A year ago today God picked me up in His arms, held me tight, and walked me through the hardest day in my life...and He never let me go. Holding a child and then having to say good-bye to that child is something that is truly mentally, physically, and spiritually, heart wrenching. The one and only explanation that I can come to is that it is all part of God's perfect plan. That is the one and only way my heart can re-vist the memories. Often times we go through things and know in the back of our minds that it is part of God's plan, but we never see the real life evidence that we would like to justify and affirm to us that it is in fact part of His plan. Do we need these affirmations? We shouldn't need them, but I believe we like them.
God has been so overwhelmingly graceful and merciful on our Powell Pod since we said good-bye to Harrison. God has given us many opportunities to see pieces of His plan over the last year, pieces that we may not have seen, had the situation been different. Over the past year...I have had the opportunity to share the gospel with family members that are difficult to talk to about God. Jim has had opportunities to share the gospel and had numerous conversations about God and faith with co-workers. Jim has had co-workers share the gospel with their family by sharing with them the things God is doing in our lives. I have had conversations about faith with multiple students. I could continue to share with you little things all along the course of the last year that most likely would not have occured otherwise. All of these things have come as a result from the journey of adopting that God is taking us on. Had things turned out differently, I do not think we would be on that journey at this time in our lives. So would I have still shared the gospel with individuals in my family? Would Jim have shared his faith with co-workers? I cannot help but think about Christ being crucified on the cross, a horrific thing for his Mommy, Mary, to watch and feel. A tragedy that God used for such a greater plan that He had, something far greater than we could imagine, a plan continually being unveiled. I believe with all my heart that losing Harrison is a tiny piece of something far greater that God has in store, something that we cannot even begin to fathom yet. About a year and a half ago Jim and I prayed that the Lord would give us an opportunity to have radical faith.....and now our cup overflows. We cannot live this life we have without faith. Without Him we sink.
One thing that ruffles my feathers is when people paint a really pretty picture and make things look easy. I'm not an idiot, we live in a fallen world, we will have pain, we will have tragedy, we will have filth, it is spoken in God's word about this world. So I try to be completely vulnerable and not sugar coat it. Today is a hard day. This has been a hard week. It has been a hard month. It has been a hard year. The tiniest thing will trigger my mind and my heart goes to Harrison. The craziest things make me cry. People have deeply hurt me through their words and actions without even knowing it. I have times that I want to be alone and not around others. I have times I do not want to talk to anyone. But friends, I am telling you that God has been more real in this last year than I have ever seen or felt. He has known what I need before I even knew I needed it or could muster the words to ask Him. He has filled my heart and mind with scripture and praise that came from only Him. This afternoon is one example...Parker walked up to me, hugged me, and said "You know Mommy I love you. And you know Logan loves you to. We both love you" and for that to come from Parker is HUGE! While washing dishes my mind began to wander and the next thing I know "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson came on Pandora. This is the chorus: "Would dare you, would you dare, to believe, that you still have a reason to sing, 'cause the pain you've been feeling, can't compare to the joy that's coming".
At times my heart feels overwhelmed, but God continually paints a beautiful picture in my heart. My God who held Harrison when he took his first breath is the same God that held me as my heart crumbled is the same God who rocks my Anna Grace to sleep at night is the same God who is my Mama's greatest physician and He is the same God that has walked this journey before me. How great are you God!!! I pray through this crazy roller coaster of a life I am living on this earth that YOU will receive all glory forever and ever. Amen!
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