Vocabulary 101

We've all heard people say "I've heard that a million times, but never thought of it that way". Well....I said that outloud, to myself, in the truck, on the way to the grocery to get banana pudding ingredients, just a short while ago. You wouldn't think my degree was education based on that last sentence, would you? Good thing is...these are my thoughts and they have a mind all of their own. 

Vocabulary Lesson

Peace: (n) In a state of nonbelligerrnce or accord; not at war; untroubled; tranquil

Pass: (v) To let go without notice, action, remark, etc.; leave unconsidered; disregard; cross

Understanding: (n) mental process of a person who comprehends; comprehension; personal interpretation

Therefore, based on the lesson above, when we hear the phrase "Peace that passes all understanding" we can also say "In an untroubled, free from war, state of mind, that crosses over without regard from any personal desire to comprehend". Do you get this? The peace that is referred to in Phillipians 4:7 is a peace from God that is so great, the peace itself overwhelms and engulfs any desire that we have to comprehend or understand a situation that our hearts and minds smoothly transition from a state of question, confusion, and doubt, to a calm, tranquil, "not at war" state. I LOVE the part of the definition that says "not at war". How often to we feel like we are in the midst of war, physically fighting with our bodies to be what we want them to be or perhaps what our world tells us it should be, mentally combating against negative thoughts towards others, our husbands, our kids, our jobs....Satan. Satan gleefully, no jovially laughs when we are at war whether it be physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. And oh my how he loves it when we are at war in more than one area. He LOVES it. And when we are at war in those areas, he thinks he is winning. But God desires peace for us. What do you desire for your family? What do you desire for your friends? Do you want their days to be filled with frustration, anger, saddness, depression, question, and doubt? Or do you want their days to be filled with "peace that passes all understanding?" What are your days filled with?

*Definitions from www.dictionary.com

Bright Orange Package

I pulled in the driveway and saw the small, bright orange package sitting on my steps and my heart filled with excitement. If you've ever received one of these bright orange packages, you know the feeling inside that I'm talking about. Shutterfly! I LOVE Shutterfly and I love getting packages. But more so than getting a package from Shutterfly, I was excited because I knew what it was. 

Over the last couple of years, I have found that a fun way to capture special times in our lives is to create a photobook. It's easy to do, lets me chime into my creative side a bit, easier to keep up with than a million 4x6 photos, and a neat way to share with family what we've been doing over the last year or so when we get together over the holidays. I have photobooks of our wedding day, the day the boys were born, events throughout the year, holidays, preschool artwork, etc. And I wanted our sweet Harrison to have a book too. I think I've mentioned earlier that our nurse took some pictures for us so I uploaded the pictures and created Harrison's photobook. It may be his one and only photobook, but it sure is a special one!

I was so excited to open the bright orange package, sit down, and see our sweet Harrison again. It was almost like I got to hold sweet boy, even though I didnt really get to physically hold him. God's creation is beautiful and amazing. I sat here, full of excitement knowing I get to hold him again one day and how I long for that day and look forward to it. As I sat here thinking of that day, very clearly God said "And I look forward, Kelly, to the day you are physically with me in Heaven and I get to hold you." Wow! I cannot imagine the excitement God must have to one day hold all his children. Meanwhile, while on Earth, I can feel his sweet embrace. If I had one request, I would ask the Lord to hold Harrison, love on Harrison, and tell him all the stories that we would have told him about our God. But the sweet thing is...I dont have to ask...Harrison went peacefully from my womb straight into God's loving arms. All he has ever known is love, what a blessing!

The Author of my Life

If we know who God is, we believe the Bible is God-breathed, we believe all God's promises to be true, we believe God is who he says he is, we believe what God says he can do, we believe that God's love is eternal and everlasting, and we believe that God has a divine plan and will for our life, why do we stray? Why do we long for something more? Why do we question? Why do we fail? Why do we wonder? Why do we hurt? What is it about God that isn't enough for us? If we truly believe all of these things, would we not always be at His feet overwhelmed with humble tears giving him praise and thanksgiving? We live in a fallen, sinful world, yes. We live in a world where Satan lurks, preys, and brutally attacks, yes. But if we believe all of these things above to be true about our God and we believe that God has selected us to be in his kingdom, then a+b means that we belong to God. Therefore, we do not belong to Satan, so he can lurk, prey, and attack, but little does he know....he can never have us. So.....my question again....why are we not always at His feet overwhelmed with humble tears giving him praise and thanksgiving? Why am I not always at His feet overwhelmed with humble tears giving him praise and thanksgiving? What is it that keeps us from drawing nearer to God? Pride? Time? Kids? Job? Family? Embarrassment? Priorities?

In April, our lives got a little busier than we were accustomed to. Jim started traveling more, April's Fury tornadoes came through and left us without power for a week, meanwhile the stomach bug hit our house for 14 days straight, it was crunch time at work with our seniors as graduation was quickly approaching, amongst other things that I will not go into. It was at a time in my life where I felt I might quite possibly pull all of my hair out. Everything was out of my control. One night, while laying on the bathroom floor covered in towels, waiting for Parker's next "round" to hit, I knew I had hit my limit and I could not handle this life on my own anymore.  I prayed that the Lord would fill my heart with His strength to conquer the coming hours and days as I knew this "bug" was not near over. I knew that I was not, in my life, where God would desire me to be. We were busy going here and there and things had just gotten 'hectic', for lack of a better word. That night, on the cold, germy,  bathroom floor I asked God to transform my life. I prayed, "Lord draw me nearer and nearer to you. Transform my life into whatever you have desired for it to be. Change me, mold me, shape me. Lord, at whatever cost, please Lord, live in me and use me as your light. Change me to be whoever you want me to be." Sure enough, within 36 hours I was laying on the cold, germy, bathroom floor again, all by myself this time. Odds were pretty good that considering the bug scenario I was sure to get it. However, I like to look back and think that I didnt have the bug everyone else had, but rather God was expelling all the nasties in my life so He could begin His good!

Almost exactly to the date 4 months after the tornadoes came through and we were sick, we lost Harrison. If you have read my previous posts, you know this time has been a synonymous mixture of heartache and hope for me. The Lord has been very real in my life, in our lives and we are forever grateful for that! God has answered many prayers and continues to fill us with his promise of hope for a better 'tomorrow'. With all that being said, to answer my previous question: What is it that keeps us from drawing nearer to God? Here goes my vulnerability...my answer is fear. My fear is that God might use another tragedy in my life to draw me nearer to Him. Selfishly, I do not want to encounter tragedy, heartache, and/or loss again. Why can I not just be where God wants me to be and not have to suffer in that way. WOW....how selfish is that thinking? I'm pretty sure that our Lord would much rather have saved his Son than have to crucify him to show us His love...YES SIR....that will put you back in your place. One of the many many good things here, is that I do not have to decide. God has written the perfect life for me even before I was in my mother's womb. He knows every detail, and I need not worry about tomorrow; for the master creator is in control.

Thank you Sweet Jesus for writing my life story. I pray God that I will wake each day with a desire to be fully used for your kingdom however you wish. Thank you Lord for knowing what I need and when I need it, even when I have no words to know what I need.  I pray Father that you will receive all the glory day in and day out. Amen.

Prayer

My prayer today is for some friends from high school who will bury their 2 month old at 11:00 am today. Please keep them in your prayers.

Father God,

You are a mighty God. We praise you and thank you for who you are Lord. For the sacrifice you made giving up your son so that we may have life. Such a sacrifice in our human minds is heart-wrenching and unfathomable, yet you did it so we would know your love. Perhaps the reason you allow some to experience loss is to get a better glimpse of the depth of your love through your sacrifice. I am at your feet today Lord, pleading you be with Katy and Joe today. Father wrap your loving arms around them and give them a peace that passes all understanding. Lord I pray that you cleanse their home of any demons who may try to pry into their lives during this time. God I pray that your blood and scripture will be written on their walls surrounding them at all times. Be their stronghold. Hug them when the times are tough. Give them strength when they have to stand. And give them peace when there are questions. I pray Lord that above all my requests for Katy and Joe, that your loving will be done and that you receive all the glory. May you give Katy and Joe a peace and hope in your kingdom! Thank you Lord for being God of all creation, of the mighty heavens and earth. May we rest tonight knowing you are God and you REIGN! Amen.

Holy Spirit

My mind has been flooded today with a discussion Jim and I had the other day. It involved something we wanted to do to as a memento for Harrison. I decided I could work on it once the boys went to bed, but the closer bed time got, the more upset I got, trying to talk myself out of it. Before long, Parker was out, arms and legs sprawled all over the place, snoring, and drooling. Evidently it was time to move him to bed. I got him up and somehow managed to help him shuffle to the bed, while still asleep. His eyes never opened and he was dead weight. As soon as he hit the bed, he was still immediately, as if he had never moved. I long for rest like this! I tucked him in, leaned over and kissed him, and said "I love you Parker". His eyes opened, he looked at me and said "Mommy, Harrison is in heaven with Jesus", closed his eyes again and was down for the night. It would make sense for me to explain that comment to you by telling you we had talked about Harrison yesterday or that we talked about him every night before bed, but that's not true. We had not talked about him at all yesterday. The best way I can explain it is that the presence of the Lord was in this place. The Holy Spirit spoke so sweetly to me through my Parker.

Deja Vu

I have not blogged in the last couple of days and as I sit here I'm trying to figure out how to put into words my reason why. I am going to throw myself out there and jump to the conclusion that if you are reading this you are someone who cares about our family and out of respect for you, I feel I owe it to you to be honest. As I've written before, when you go through a loss, people from everywhere, books, movies, pamphlets, doctor discharge notes, nurses, EVERYONE tells you to expect to transition through several different phases. You'll feel like you are zoned out, you'll feel sad, you'll feel mad, you'll feel confused, you'll feel guilty, you'll feel regret, you'll feel confused, etc. I hate to label this time in my life as a "process". I have a very hard time believing that I will go through steps 1-8 and then be through the "process". I have told Jim over and over that my hope is that through this time I would grow to become the woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and sister in Christ that God desires for my life. And if that means for my heart to be broken over and over every day, so be it. I want to be where God wants me to be. I am not happy anywhere else. So back to all these feelings people and books have told me I would have...yes I've had some, some more than others. But the one that I never thought I would have and the one I'm having the hardest time with is anger. If you have known me for the first 28 years of my life, I would be surprised if you would label me as an angry person. And if you do, I hope that you'll come talk to me because that is not a personal quality I would ever like to possess and I want to make things right with you. I apologize if I have ever come across that way to you. So, over the last week as I have felt overcome with the uncomfortable feelings of anger, I have yet again, been at a loss for words. I am not angry at God, I am not angry at Jim, I am not angry at Parker and Logan, I am not angry at my family, I am not angry at my friends. The only place I know this anger has come from is Satan and I hate it. We started a new study in Sunday School yesterday, Focused Faith, or Faith Focus, something along those lines. Jim taught the lesson and he started off with the question "Have you ever been robbed of something" and proceeds through the lesson and gets to the question "What has Satan ever robbed you of". I cannot tell you how many things flew through my mind that I wanted to say. Typically I speak up in Sunday School, but as I sat in my chair yesterday and felt a flood of answers run through my head, I got a knot in my throat and knew what would happen if I even tried to open my mouth. So as I sit here with a knot in my throat and tears filling my eyes, I will tell you what Satan wants to rob me of right now. He wants to take my peace, passion, happiness, and interests, but most of all he wants to take away my faith and joy. Once again, I am going to be vulnerably honest with you...Satan is strong. He is very strong. He has been fighting all day, every day for these things in me for 26 days now. Some days I feel like I have nothing in me to fight back, and it is in those days that I am so thankful for a Holy Spirit that fights for me and fills my heart and mind with scripture and songs that I have learned through the years. This right here is an example of why it is important to learn scripture and listen to Christian music. Not just simply read the words on the page, but learn them and impress them on your heart. Because there WILL be times in life when you have no energy or strength to pick the Bible up, and the Holy Spirit will fill your heart and mind in those times with the scriptures and praises that you have on your heart. Satan has fought so hard and continues to fight to rob me of these things. But the fight is not over and he has not won.

I cannot say enough how blessed Jim and I are to be surrounded with such loving and caring family and friends. We know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are loved. And I hate that anyone has been hurt or taken personally me not going out, returning calls, texts, emails, etc. Please know it is not YOU. I know everyone is ready for me to move on. I have longed for answers why I cant just flip a switch and move on. I cannot keep longing for those answers. Our God is full of mystery and wonder. If we could figure him out then he wouldnt be God. So since I have no answer, I have no answer to give you. I can tell you though, that I feel like I am in constant deja vu. I close my eyes to sleep and I feel as if I am laying in the hospital bed at 4 a.m. with contractions. Any pain or twinge I have in my body, my head says "oh no...is the baby ok". Every time I close my eyes, my mind replays over and over August 25...the physical pain, the tears from phyiscal pain, the cries for help, the delivery, the 30 seconds I was alone with Harrison, the panic, the nurse call, holding Harrison, falling into shock, a day of holding the body of our baby that God has already called home, the funeral and burial decisions, our first and last prayer with our precious Harrison, watching the nurse walk out the door with Harrison in her arms, and the sound of the hosptial door shutting . Deja vu over and over.

^"25 I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness— ²⁶ the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the Lord’s people. ²⁷ To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. " Colossians 1:25-27

Thank you Lord for the hope of glory!

Behind every joke there's some TRUTH

Jim and I have joked about the fact that since Jim started teaching our ss class, we inevitably had something happen in our lives that would be applicable to the lesson he was teaching the coming Sunday and of course would be the perfect example to use in class. Through this teaching season, we have grown to be very transparent with our class. It has been a blessing and we would not trade our class for the world. We have all grown very close and consider our ss class to not just be a class, but our group of close friends. It's not your typical "howdy-doo, bring a dish to potluck, we are praying for you" kind of ss group. We value our friendships, we enjoy being with them, and we look forward to growing and learning from them and with them. So why should I be surprised that a while back, it was decided that our class would study Faith next? May be a little more truth in that joke than we'd like to admit.

I have found myself seeking, searching, and reading all I can about hope. Hope that God will carry me through this darkness. Hope that God will heal my heart. Hope that God will use this all to His glory and the Kingdom. Hope that I will wake up each day with joy in my heart. Hope that I will continue to choose God's light to walk through this darkness. The more I search, the more I see that hope is never without faith.

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1

^"Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." Romans 4:18-21 

When hope was dead in Abraham, he kept on hoping in faith, believing that he would become "the father of many nations". He relied on the word of God which definitely referred to "thy seed". With his faith, he considered the circumstances, his own impotence and Sarah's barrenness. However, he REFUSED to allow anything waver him from God. He drew his strength from his faith and continued giving God glory, hoping through his faith that Gods promise was true.

"This means tremendous joy to you, even though at present you may be temporarily harassed by all kinds of trials. This is no accident--it happens to prove your faith, which is infinitely more valuable than gold" 1 Peter 1:6-7

So Lord, I beg you once again, please Lord use our loss for your glory and for the greater good of your Kingdom. You are a constant sovereign God and to be able to love you and live for you is a blessing in and of itself that I do not deserve. My heart aches for the Mommies and Daddies in our world who have lost a child. Father please wrap them in your mighty, loving arms and reveal to them the hope through faith they can find in you. Love them the way you love Jim and myself, warmly, wholly, and eternally. Amen.

  

Wiggle Worm

I've heard stories through the years about how I was the "wiggle worm" of the family. Always squirming and never in one spot for very long. God must have a sense of humor because from what I hear, there is a lot of me in our lively Logan and if you know him, you know he is everything but still. Even as an adult, I tend to be a "wiggle worm" in some sorts. Always jumping from one project to the next, proposing a million ideas at one time, volunteering for this and that, and multi-tasking at its finest. So it's easy to conclude that I'm all but still. Why be still and calm when I can get so much more checked off my list if I'm going and doing? If I'm still then nothing get accomplished, right? Over the last couple of weeks, my desires have changed. My drive to get things checked of my list has gone to the way-side and I have found myself more still and calm than I ever have been in my entire life. It has also been in this still time that God has revealed some of the beauty of his great mystery to me. Not on my checklist of things to do or learn, but of far greater value than anything on my list. So maybe there is something to this being "still" thing after all. 

"Be still, and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10

In a land far, far away

For whatever reason, my mind's energy has been extremely eventful lately while I sleep. My night is either full of nightmares or dreams occurring in places far away. I choose not to rehash my nightmares through this blog as they all refer to the events of the last month and are extremely painful each time I think of them. On the flip-side, some nights I have dreams that I am in places far away completely surrounded with people I do not know. It is as if I am living another life. In my dreams, I know nothing other than the life I have in this far away land. Each dream is one in itself and not related to the others. Some dreams have carried me to the highest point of snow topped mountains and others have taken me to an uninhabited tropical oasis. I think it is nothing shy of genius that we have so many examples of polar opposites in our world, God knew his plan. Night/day, male/female, love/hate, good/evil, nightmare/dream etc. I believe that if we were not exposed to the extreme opposite of what we treasure, the value of that which we treasure would possibly fade or diminish. If we had sunny days all day, every day, then would we possibly become numb to the warmth and beauty of the sun? Now, think about the first day our temperatures hit the 70's after the winter....where do you find everyone? Outside. What is everyone talking about? How beautiful the weather is and how good it feels. After the season of a cold, wet, winter, the sun feels perfectly wonderful and we cannot soak it in enough. Therefore, in this situation, the opposites of weather have reminded us of the joy that sun and warmth brings giving us more of a thankful and appreciative mindset. So is it possible that as life ticks by, we take advantage of the ease in everyday life. Everything seems to be going pretty well. I'm blessed with a great marriage, two precious boys, a wonderful job that I get to do because I want to, not because I have to, an adorable dog, fantastic friends, and a loving family. Life is good. Is it possible that we forget the value in these things? Is it possible we forget the value of the creator of all these things? Is it possible that we forget the value of life? Is it possible that we forget the value of true love? Is it possible that we forget the value of sacrifice? Is it possible that we forget the original plan for life on this earth? So, what if God, in his perfect plan, uses the opposite of the good life to bring back the value? That opposite being heartache. 

Change of plans

Today we had planned to have a Gender Reveal party for our family. We figured by the 3rd child we needed to do something extra fun to get everyone pumped up about having another little one running around, making a mess, and tearing into everything. Everyone marked their calendars and my sweet sister even took some time off work so she could be here in plenty of time since she was traveling from out of town.  I had my food, decoration, and reveal ideas all organized and fine-tuned. The only thing that needed to happen was have the ultrasound. We didn't get to have our Gender Reveal party today, but we did have a mini party the other day.

Over the last two weeks I have submerged myself in recipe hunting. I have cooked new recipes each night with a wide variety of meals, some hearty and some healthy. I guess cooking is the only thing I feel like I can be in control of right now while my heart and emotions are so out of control. Which is also the reason, I think, that Jim has declined so many meals from our loving friends. Cooking each night has been the one thing I've looked forward to each day. One night, I decided to make the Chocolate Coke Cake. While I was preparing the batter, Parker walked up and said "Mommy...what are you making? A cake?" And before I could even respond, Parker lit up with glee and continued, "OH a BIRTHDAY cake!" I paused for a minute and then answered back, "Yes Parker, do you want to help Mommy make a birthday cake for Harrison?" He quickly answered, "YES YES YES!" The conversation continued and Parker assured me that Harrison wanted a Spiderman cake, but that he couldn't have a monster cake because that was Parker's favorite. We all watched the cake bake in the oven and patiently (some more than others) waited for the cake to cool. I let the boys pick out the birthday candles and decide how many candles we needed for the cake. Without hesitation, Parker said, "3, we need 3 candles". I like to think that Parker chose 3 candles, one for each of them, Parker, Logan, and Harrison. Or perhaps it's because Parker is 3 and he didn't understand it wasn't for him. For whatever the reason he chose 3, in that moment, in that very moment I was reminded of the trinity, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. So thank you Lord for my Parker choosing 3 and reminding me of your love, sacrifice, and grace! And then we sang. We sang Happy Birthday to Harrison. 

Plans change. Whether it be a party being cancelled, baking a cake, or loosing a child...plans can change. Dear Lord, I pray today that in all my planning I seek you first and that your will would be my plan for each and every day. Thank you sweet sweet Jesus for your grace and mercy. I pray God that my heart will bleed for you and that this life you have blessed me with will live to glorify you.

At this very moment

At this very moment, Jim and I had planned to be at St. Vincents anxiously awaiting one of the most exciting moments all expecting parents wait for.....the gender ultrasound. Little did we know that Harrison was actually 3 weeks older than we thought, which would have made us 21 weeks today. The blessing in this is that when we had Harrison 2 weeks ago, it was very clear that he was a precious little boy, leaving no wonder for our minds to follow. I see pictures of the boys around the house and it saddens my heart to think they have a brother not with them. I find myself gazing at the boys running around the backyard, playing on the play set, chasing the dog, stomping through mud, and imagining their little brother was with them getting dirty and into lots of mischief. I think it's inevitable that my mind has been flooded with the many things that our sweet Harrison James will not get to experience: mud, building forts, catching frogs, making messes, tball, soccer, trying to sleep on Christmas eve, tearing into his first birthday cake, bringing home his first A, going mudding, getting his first car, graduating, college football, falling in love, picking out the perfect ring, and walking down the aisle, and holding his first child for the very first time. But as my heart and mind are swamped with these things, God overwhelms me with thoughts of one of the most beautiful promises. Our little Harrison may not get to experience any of the things above, but our little Harrison will know nothing but love. He will not experience the pain of colic, the hurt of a skinned knee, the betrayal of a friend, or the heartbreak of lost love. All a Mommy wants to do is love and protect her children. In this time, when I cannot hold and protect Harrison, our sweet sweet Savior is giving him the greatest love and protection of all.

Greatest place to be

On My Knees

There are days
when I feel
The best of me
is ready to begin (the end)
Then there's (the) days
when I feel
I'm letting go
and soaring on the wind
'Cause I've learned in laughter or in pain
How to survive!

I get on my knees! (2x)
There I am before the Love
That changes me
See I don't know how
But there's power
When I'm on my knees

I can be
in a crowd
Or by myself
and almost anywhere
When I feel
there's a need
To talk with God
He is Emmanuel
When I close my eyes,
no darkness there
There's only light!

I get on my knees (x2)
There I am before the Love that changes me
See I don't know how, but there's power
In the blue skies, in the midnight
When I'm on my knees
I get on my knees (x2)
There I am before the Love
That changes me
See I don't know how, but there's power
When I'm on my, oh, when I'm on my
When I'm on my knees

More than Conquerors

Sitting in worship this morning, there was no denying that the Holy Spirit was present. One of the opening songs was Healing in Your Hands. A beautiful song that brought new meaning to my heart. The chorus: 

How high, how wide

No matter where I am, healing is in Your hands
How deep, How strong

And now by Your grace I stand, healing is in Your hands

Sitting in room 612, holding sweet Harrison in my hands, tears fell from my eyes onto his tiny, little, perfect body as my heart broke over and over because I could not do anything to help him, to save him, to bring him back. It took hours to sink in that we could do nothing (and I still have daily thoughts and wonders race through my mind if something could have been done). All we could do was raise our hands up and through our quiet prayers offer our Harrison to the Lord, to place him in the Lord's healing hands. It's in the same healing hands that I find myself each day as I wake, pleading with the Lord to hold me, to carry me, to stay by my side one day more.

Verse:

In all things, we know that.
We are more than conquerors.
You keep us by your love.
You keep us by your love. 

More than conquerors......a conqueror? Conqueror is not one of the words I would use to describe myself right now. This song is based on pretty much all of Romans 8, but particularly verses 37-39 where Paul paints a beautiful picture of his belief that absolutely NOTHING can separate us from God's love. WOW! When you back up and start reading in verse 18, Paul very blatantly talks about the relationship between our current sufferings and future glory, and says there is no comparison at all. Creation, from the beginning was "subject to frustration" from the creator's will. But in the future, He will free us from the frustration and bring us into freedom...and that is where, as Christians, our HOPE is born. So when we read down to verses 31-39 Paul speaks from his heart in sharing with us all that if God loves us so much that He would sacrifice His son, then there is no way He would let anything come between His love and ourselves. Sweet love! A sweet love that holds us close, that creates in us conquerors so ... "... in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us." Romans 8:37. No, I am not a conqueror. But, yes, the Lord can create in me a conqueror through His sweet, sweet love!

Ready...Set.........

 

As we sat in the den and watched our first Auburn game of the season, fans yelling, shakers shaking, vibrant colors covering the stadium, and a sense of great happiness and anxiousness jump from the stadium through the screen. In that very moment, reality hit me that the world hasn't stopped and life is still going. The hustle and bustle has not stopped a bit. And in that same very moment, I found myself feeling abandoned and alone because I feel as though my world has stopped. I would never wish the feelings in my heart on any other. The thought of the many Mommies and Daddies who have already been in our shoes or who so innocently have no clue that they too will one day walk in the same shoes truly breaks my heart. If I could do something to prevent it from happening to them...if only. I find myself getting overwhelmed with feelings some days that since I'm a Christian I need to be progressing through this grief quicker and finding myself with more laughs and smiles. I know that God allows things to happen for reasons, reasons I may never know (Proverbs 3:5-6). I know that God works all things for the glory of his Kingdom (Romans 8:28). I know that God knows the plans of my life (Jeremiah 29:11) I know that God is greater than any trial he allows in my life. I know that God uses trials to grow me stronger and more mature (James 1:2-4). I know that we already have two precious blessings and that it is possible for me to have  more babies. I know that God can use this for his glory and to touch the lives of others. I know all of these things. But these things do not fill my empty arms and my aching heart. They don't bring Harrison back. And I wish there was some way these others lives could be touched, some way than through this loss. I wonder if God felt this way as he sacrificed His son? What a sacrifice, what a price. Oh how very thankful and humbled it brings me to His feet. Thank you sweet Lord! I thank the Lord that He chose me and holds me tight each day. I am overwhelmed with His love and strength right now. If He didn't hold me tight, I would have withered away with my sorrow and pain. Sweet Jesus, rock my baby and hold him very tight. Everyone may continue with life, not a thing changed or sorrowed, but I'm coming to the realization that my life will never be the same, but my life will continue. So...dear Lord, my Father, sweet Jesus, ready...set...lets walk this journey together.

Seasons

As Jim and I drove home from the hospital last week, we noticed the first leaves changing and falling. Time for the change of seasons. The end of Summer and beginning of Fall...at the very exact time God was allowing a season change in our life. The end of one season and the beginning of another. Coincidence or divine plan? As I think of Summer coming to an end, there are sad thoughts and sighs with thoughts of pool days, beach trips, shorts, yard work, popsicles, sunglasses, ponytails, and flip flops all coming to an end for a while. And so a new season begins...no pool days and shorts, but with every season comes new joys. The aroma of pumpkin and harvest spice filling every corner, nook, and cranny as you enter the warmth of a home adorned with pumpkins, mums, gourds, and corn. A season for football, tailgates, games, friends, and food. How romantic a walk in the brisk fall chill, as we snuggle close, hoping the moment never to end. And a season full of thanks, giving, and blessings. I find it absolutely no coincidence at all that as God allows us to end a season in our life, a season of heartache and sorrow, He follows up with a season for Thanksgiving. I pray, dear Lord, that as our seasons change you fill our hearts and minds with thanksgiving and praise, day in, day out, and all day long. May this new season in our life be a season of great Harvest Lord, a season that we have fruit to bear and share. Amen.

Recipe for Healing

I find myself quite content in my home, with my boys, in my safe place. I don't have to answer the door, I don't have to answer the phone, I don't have to answer texts, I don't have to answer emails. And I don't have to look anyone in the face and tell them our story. What am I doing? Somewhere in the depths of my mind, I think I'm trying to convince myself that if I don't answer the door, phone, texts, emails, or see my friends and family face to face that somehow, someway, Harrison will come back and be home with us in my arms, in my empty arms, or even possibly still growing in my belly with not a single thing wrong. It's quite possible that I've led myself to believe such is true because right now I have no desire to step out of my safe place, it terrifies me to think I might have to face reality again.

If you know Jim and myself very well, it doesn't take long to realize that we both possess quite strong personality traits that are none the less opposite each other. We like to think that God has blessed us through these differences and grown us together through these differences. If Jim didn't possess some of the qualities he has, then by now we would have 8 dogs, a pool, 3 vehicles, a party at our house every weekend which would be in the county, visited Jamaica and several other tropical islands several times, adopted a few children, be open for foster care, make gift baskets for every person that we know has had a bad day, and the list goes on. So needless to say, I am thankful for our differences. As we sat in our hospital room trying to grasp what had just happened, God revealed and continues to reveal to me daily an empathetic and all passionate side of my husband that I never knew existed. This is once again one of those times that I hold sacred between Jim and myself and choose to keep private. But it so deeply humbles me thinking of God's great omnipotent planning. There are many times in our relationship that I would sulk wishing Jim would be more understanding, at the moment it was imperative that he understand and feel with me why my friend so badly hurt me or that we couldn't leave the house yet because I had not found the right thing to wear. But to think that our God didn't have the perfect time to reveal his true love, empathy, and care through my husband was preposterous on my behalf. I am, yet again, astonished at God's impeccable timing in knowing what I needed and when I needed it.

Part of my fear in facing reality in the real world is what people might perhaps say. I understand that people do not know what to say, much less how to say what they do not know they want to say. So people fumble, ramble, and often times end up in an awkward position. It is nobody's fault, and I understand that. But I'm not going to lie, I would like to prevent or avoid it. My sweet husband has been so insightful over the last couple of years in helping me realize that people have no way of knowing what I want, don't want, need, and don't need. That type of telepathic technology has just not been developed. No worries, I'm writing up my proposal for Jim to start working on it. But in the meantime, Jim assures me I can have no expectations, but trust that God will carry me through those times, conversations, and responses.

When we have people in our lives that are hurting, we inevitably want to fix it. We want to make it all better. I love living in the South and would never trade it for life in the North (based on my one visit to NY). I love being a Southern Belle and all traditions that come with being a SB just feel right. As Southerners we are born and raised with the recipe for healing others in our hearts:

Recipe for Healing

1 - Card sent in the mail (flowers may be substituted)

1 - Email or text sent weekly

1 - Home-cooked meal provided and delivered

 -Mix all ingredients together with a smile

-Sprinkled with lots of "I love you's"

-Top with "You'll understand one day why it happened"

(In no way do I hope to upset or offend anyone. We have truly been humbled by the outstretched arms of love that our friends and family have sent our way. We know your heart, we know your intentions, and we know you love us and for that we are thankful and oh so blessed)

As good as the recipe may sound, until you have walked in the shoes of heartache, you will never realize that the recipe above is not what you hunger for. I think as Southerners we have honestly done each other an injustice. I have searched and searched for the best recipe and the truth be told, there is no recipe for healing, there is one great Healer, and his name is Jesus. I may never know why He allowed what He did, I may never see a reason, I may never understand why He chose to involve the ones He did, but I do know that He promises me Hope and right now that is all I have.

  "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

I heard a quote on t.v. yesterday from a new movie coming out "Just because I'm hurt, doesn't mean I'm broken" - Dolphin Tale. Don't kid yourself, I am hurting. I'm hurting very bad. BUT my God is the same God as he was yesterday and the day before. My God is the God who sacrificed His son. As I grieve, he grieves, He understands better than anyone. He also promises me Hope, and that is where I rest.