No Mistakes

It's interesting to look back over the past 2+ months and reflect on the various ways that I can now see I was trying to "get through the day". I so badly didn't want to hurt or cry anymore, but at the same time I did not want to forget. I immersed myself in new recipes, projects, playing with the boys more, changing my work schedule etc. etc. And at some point I even quit blogging. For whatever reason, I felt these changes might change other circumstances. I thought that if I could change things from how they were to something new it would be different. Somehow I thought they may change what happened. I think I subconsciously had that thought in the back of my mind because it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it doesn't work that way. 

Everybody has moved on. Friends and family aren't tip-toeing around me anymore. The doctor isn't calling me every week to check in. I don't have any more doctor appointments coming up. So it's at this point that I wonder, "Why Lord not me? Why can't I go a single day without thinking about my angel? Why is it still vivid? Why does my heart still break at times? Have I not learned what you wanted to show me? Is the lesson not over?" But that's where I am wrong. Our God is not a past tense God, he is a present tense God. Continually and consistently living, loving, and teaching. So perhaps loosing Harrison is something God will continually and consistently use to teach me and grow me, in that I hope.

I have searched and searched for a specific reason why God allowed this to happen in our lives. I was convinced that I would check the mail and have a handwritten letter from God, postmarked Heaven where He laid out the details for me. I had even decided I would settle for a verse or a song, maybe a burning bush, or squirrel that talked to me. I've searched scripture, I've listened to songs, I've been on my knees, time and time again. I have yet to find the answer I was seeking, but I have learned time and time again that God deserves all glory all the time. It has been so real to me realizing that each of us who were sent into this world have a life story written by our Savior. There is no room for editing. It is what it is....and it is God's great plan, it needs no editing. I have one choice, and that choice is to man-up and live this life, custom written for me, giving God glory in all aspects, stages, situations, and moments. It is by God's great grace and mercy that He even gave me the privilege of being of being one of his disciples in this world...what an honor. How can I not give him the glory?

This Mama still wishes God could have worked his plan a different way, but I know my God makes no mistakes. To God be ALL glory!

Holy Spirit

My mind has been flooded today with a discussion Jim and I had the other day. It involved something we wanted to do to as a memento for Harrison. I decided I could work on it once the boys went to bed, but the closer bed time got, the more upset I got, trying to talk myself out of it. Before long, Parker was out, arms and legs sprawled all over the place, snoring, and drooling. Evidently it was time to move him to bed. I got him up and somehow managed to help him shuffle to the bed, while still asleep. His eyes never opened and he was dead weight. As soon as he hit the bed, he was still immediately, as if he had never moved. I long for rest like this! I tucked him in, leaned over and kissed him, and said "I love you Parker". His eyes opened, he looked at me and said "Mommy, Harrison is in heaven with Jesus", closed his eyes again and was down for the night. It would make sense for me to explain that comment to you by telling you we had talked about Harrison yesterday or that we talked about him every night before bed, but that's not true. We had not talked about him at all yesterday. The best way I can explain it is that the presence of the Lord was in this place. The Holy Spirit spoke so sweetly to me through my Parker.