Like a Dolphin

I have a feeling that I am going to jump around a lot today. Its just one of those "ball of yarn" kind of days.

A few blogs ago I mentioned Anna Grace...let me clarify...we do not yet have one specific child that we have been matched with. But Jim and I have decided that we will name our daughter Anna Grace. For us, she is real and it is a privilege to pray for her by name. Its not just praying for something abstract but praying specifically for Anna Grace, by name, acknowledges that she is a precious child of God. While talking about adoption...we've had a couple of setbacks with our agency, redoing some paperwork, but the great news in this is that the God who was with us the first time we filled out this paperwork is the exact same God that is with us while we fill it out for a second time AND that is the same God who has perfect timing!

I started writing in the midst of heartache after we lost Harrison. For me, writing has been a way I can put my heart, my feelings, my emotions in words. I guess a "healthy outlet" for me. My family became very concerned when I seemed to be internalizing everything and withdrawing from society after we lost our sweet boy. Writing for me was a way I could communicate to them that my heart was strong, my heart was standing on the solid rock, but my flesh was weak and hurting. God really truly has done amazing things in my heart, life, and relationships over the past couple of months. When God reveals something to me, teaches me something, or humbles me at his feet I am overwhelmed with  his holy presence and cannot help but share it. With all that said...I want you to know that my words on this blog are things I share that the Lord has revealed to me, that the Lord is changing in me, and that the Lord needs to change in me. It was very difficult for me to make the choice and take the step to make my words public. My greatest desire for "putting it out there" is that others may see the works of God, the things he has done, the things he has carried me through, his great plan, the way my life could not go on without him, and that he may receive all the glory for that!

We have a new to us, older vehicle, and definitely has a mind of its own. The radio works when it wants to. But today I think it woke up on the right side of the bed because it worked great :) On the way home from the gym I heard a song that I have heard many times before but today my heart cried out. I thought of specific people in my life for every verse. My heart broke for these people. Please take a minute to watch the video and listen to the song. We need to be praying for our friends, neighbors, co-workers, and for our family. I read a quote once that said "What if you woke up today and the only people left on earth with you were the ones you prayed for yesterday." WOW! Who would be with you? Your parents? Your kids? Your spouse? Your friends? Your co-workers? Your pastor? Your enemies? Your future spouse? Your future kids? Or would you be standing alone? Would I be standing alone? Sometimes we know what people are going through...depression, lonliness, anger, regret, doubt, low self esteem, looking for self worth, trying to provide for a family, wondering if they will be single forever, knowing they are on the "wrong path", addiction, pride, etc. But often times we have no clue what people are going through, what we, ourselves, are going through. I believe with all my heart that God gave us brothers and sisters in Christ for many reasons. One of those reasons is to encourage each other and pray for each other. Sometimes, though, I think we get wrapped up thinking "well I need to share this verse with them" or "I need to help convict them" or "I need to call them out" and there are times for all those things, but how often do we just step back and sincerely pray for them, put ourselves aside and let the holy spirit lead?

The song talks about people searching, crying out for a purpose, a reason...wondering if they are "worth it". I am sitting here in my stinky gym clothes telling you that for me, for my life, if it was not for God's grace, I do not know where I would be. If it were not for God's grace I would have no purpose. I held in my arms one of the most beautiful miracles of life, a baby. But that baby never took a single breath in my arms. My husband and I had to plan burial arrangements for our child. How in the world could I move past that? What was my purpose? Evidently I could not save my child. Evidently I could not protect my child from death. Was I fit to be a mother? What had I done wrong? What was my purpose now? God's sweet sweet grace opened my heart and eyes to see that my flesh did not have the strength to get out of bed, to open my eyes, much less to take the next step in life. And he simultaneously showed me that His grace gave me the strength to get out of bed, open my eyes, and take the next step in life. God opened my heart to see that I deserve nothing, I deserve no breath, no life, no spouse, no children, no job, no joy. But it is by his GREAT GREAT GREAT grace that he has chosen to give me a life. It is a gift, a blessing! So...it is in God's grace that I find my purpose...my purpose to give him all the glory, for none of these are things I could have, do, or get through alone. Praise be to God!

A while back I saw a trailer for a movie that I knew I wanted to see, I think I even quoted part of the trailer in a previous post. Anyway, I rented it last week with the boys Dolphin Tale. GREAT movie, rent it if you haven't seen it. The overall premise is about a dolphin with a broken tail. The dolphin's journey had a very interesting parallel to how I have felt over the past few months. He got hurt and everyone thought he was going to die. He had several key people in his life that stayed with him 24/7 to make sure he was ok. They tried feeding him, talking to him, consoling him. The dolphin did not respond much. They tried fixing the problem by giving him a new tail, it hurt him, it made him mad. The dolphin just needed time to figure it out on his own. One of my favorite quotes "Just because I'm hurt doesn't mean I'm broken". I am coming to realize that I will be hurt for a long time, probably indefinitely, but my family, my friends, that doesn't mean I am broken. That doesn't mean that I cannot experience other joys in life.In the movie, there were bigger plans ahead for the Dolphin than they realized. And I believe God has bigger plans ahead in our Powell Pod!

What's one more storm?

I sat down to write this post several times over the last 2 weeks and never could bring myself to actually do it. Maybe it was fear of facing the truth, fear that people would judge me, or fear that I would feel, yet again, heartache. One of the many times I sat down to write, I thought about how I would begin the post. Maybe "If you think you may be tempted to judge me or talk about me behind my back, please stop here and read the next blog you are following " or "this is something I never thought I would have to write about" or "my heart was broken yet again today". But over the last 2 weeks of me not writing the Lord has opened my eyes to see that it is not other peoples words or actions that are mine to be concerned with. If I allow myself to worry about those things then I am allowing myself to be in bondage to Satan's desires. I don't want that! So, I'll begin with this...

I have come to learn that vulnerability, not only with others, but truly with myself as well is necessary if I have any desire to live my life with all glory given to God. There is no possible way that I can share with others the great grace and mercy that God has poured on me unless I am completely vulnerable about my heart. That is hard.

Thursday, February 9, 2012 was Harrison's due date. This was a date that I started dreaming about 8 months ago. A day that I would in-vision in my mind. The dreams and visions I had looked absolutely nothing like my day actually was on February 9th. I dreamed of smiles, happiness, and tears of joy. I did not dream of sadness, hurt, and tears of heartache. As I went to bed on February 8th, I wondered what my next day would hold. I woke up and immediately thanked the Lord for the day he had given me and the breath of life he breathes into me. I so badly wanted that day to be a good day. I found myself very quiet and I felt myself attempting to distance myself from feelings that I started to feel overwhelming me. So I decided to go work out. Cardio workouts have always been very emotional for me. I have no clue how to explain that other than I feel like I'm running and the music is encouraging me to go harder and faster. Through my sweat and tears I had a really good workout. I busied myself with the boys and everyday laundry and cleaning, still feeling removed. At one point in the day, someone very dear to me asked me "whats wrong with you...you seem depressed or something, whats going on?" And my heart got hurt so badly in that moment, was I the only one who remembered what this day was? Did nobody else remember Harrison? And almost immediately God's sweet arms wrapped me in his warm embrace. God allows me to remember our Harrison and even still feel the pain because he is continually using Harrison to grow and stretch me to be who HE wants me to be. Although there is a part of this Mama that never wants anyone to forget Harrison, I realize that this experience was so different for me than how it affected or did not affect others and that is up to God, not me. I am so very thankful that Harrison's first breath taken was in the presence of our Lord and that he never experienced any pain or heartache. I am so thankful that the Lord protected him from those things and that we were able to have the time with him that we did. Thank you sweet Lord for keeping my heart close to yours and continually using the heartache and loss of Harrison to constantly remind me of your love, grace, and mercy. I pray Lord that when I look back on this experience, I will see your footprints. And I pray Lord that you may always receive all Glory!

Jim and I just got home from spending a week in Vegas! I had a TRIO conference and Jim had clients to visit out there so we were gone for a week. We were both busy working during the day but enjoyed our nights touring Vegas, eating great food, and seeing some spectacular shows. Although I was excited about the conference and seeing Vegas, I had a really hard time leaving the boys and flying. The last time we flew was, for me, the beginning of losing Harrison. So stepping foot on another plane was the last thing I wanted to do. I was afraid of reliving all my previous feelings. And with us flying only 2 days after Harrison's due date I was beginning to feel overwhelmed and fearful of losing control of my emotions on the plane. I also had a very hard time leaving the boys. What if something happened to me while I was gone, what if our plane crashed, what if something happened to them and I couldn't get home, what if they miss us, what if they cry while we are gone. My heart and mind were quickly flooded with heartache, fear, doubt, and anxiety before we even stepped foot on the plane. Satan was getting pretty happy at this point thinking he was going to win this battle. Satan loves fear, doubt, worry, and anxiety. Which is a funny statement to say that he loves something since Satan does not love "love" and is not "loving". Anyway...you see where I was. One of my love languages, which I learned from reading The Five Love Languages, great book, is gifts. So I decided that if I could not be with the boys every day and physically love on them, I could leave a gift for them every day and love on them through gifts. So...they had a gift to open each day we were gone. Mama said they LOVED it! And even though I wasn't with them, I felt a little closer to them.

So...I was excited about the gifts that the boys had to open, but still not thrilled about flying and being away from them. As our departure time approached, I sense of thankfulness overwhelmed me for our Lord. He gave me the discernment to see that the feelings of doubt, anxiety, and fear that I was having were from Satan, not Him. Our God is a God of love, peace, hope, and joy and for that I am so very very thankful! I decided right then and there that Satan was NOT going to win this battle! I decided that I would spend my time on the flight in prayer and reading Gods words. A dear friend of mine gave me a book to read The Strength of Mercy by Jan Beazely. FANTASTIC BOOK! While reading on the plane, I came to a point where a letter is written to the birthmother of the child who is being adopted. After reading the letter I began to pray for Anna Grace and her birth mother  

Sweet Jesus, I come to your feet in great thanksgiving. Thank you Lord for who you are and the price you have paid so that we may have life on this Earth. Lord we will never be able to fully repay you for the life you gave Lord, but I pray that every action, breath, and step I take may be in your willingness for my life 

Almost immediately after I started praying the plane turbulence started. I continued to pray for Anna grace and her birth mother.

and that you may receive all Glory! Lord you have given Jim and myself a great blessing of journeying to find your child, Anna Grace to bring into our home to love, care for, and raise in your likeness. I pray that you guide our every step. Lord I pray your great protection over Anna Grace and her birthmother. 

The turbulence got worse...and worse. Fear started to creep into my heart and mind as my heart raced when my body would come off the seat as the plane was jolted in every direction, even down at times. The Lord filled my heart with a song "I will praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands". So in this physical storm, I refused to give in to Satan's attempts to fear me...I continued to pray...

Lord we know not if she is living with her mother, in an orphanage, or even conceived yet, but you know exactly where they are Lord. You know their very location. I pray that you hold them in the very same arms that you hold me. I pray you send your angels to create a hedge of protection and love around them. Guard and keep them from destruction, illness, pain, and sorrow. I pray that you fill Gracie's birthmother with a peace in choosing to give her up for adoption. May that very peace fill hear heart come from you. Fill any emptiness she has in this decision with your love, hope, and joy. As we pray for Anna Grace to be safe and healthy Lord, above all else we pray for your divine will and all for your great glory! Amen.

As I was praying and turbulence hit, I very clearly heard the Lord say "Satan is not happy about this journey of obedience you and Jim are on. He wants you to doubt me, He wants you to believe I am not there. He is not happy. He now wants you to face another of your greatest fears, thats why there is turbulence. Kelly I will protect you, I will keep you safe. Keep your eyes on me." I cannot tell you how afraid and fearful I wanted to be, but when we are face to face with one of our greatest fears whether it be a plane crashing, a broken marriage, losing a child, losing a job, or being on a boat in a storm like the disciples...we have a choice. We can turn to Satan and think that falling into our sin we will be protected from our fears or we can keep our eyes on Jesus.

We are home now, and most definitely back to reality...groceries to be bought, laundry to be done, and a child with pink eye in both eyes. BUT so thankful that God delivered us through our "storm". We had the pest control guy come out today, he wanted to do a free termite inspection. Long story short...he found moisture under our house and needs to do a few things that will total a $ amount with more zeroes than we'd prefer. I almost started laughing at him when he told us. Not because its a funny matter, because it certainly is not, but because I had expected this. We are scheduled to make several payments this week to Lifeline and Congo. I'm so excited our first payment to Congo is this week :) So...I find it humorous because Satan thinks that throwing in a some pricey "moisture" damage will stop this journey. He is wrong. How do you think the pest control guy would have taken it if I looked at him and said "Sorry Satan, you're still not winning this one". Guess its a good thing I just laughed to myself  instead.

 

I will not be moved

While on the long journey of adoption, there are so many things that can come up and cause a bump in the road or even opportunities to veer off the path and close the book. Jim and I have been very open with our family and friends about the whole thing. We have encouraged the questions. It does not hurt our feelings for you to ask questions, doubt, wonder, or even talk about us behind our back. Last night while on the phone with a very very precious person in my life I said "I want you to know that you can be completely vulnerable with us. You can ask those questions that you even shudder to think ran through your head. You can ask those questions you are embarrassed to ask or fearful of our response. Ask!" It was 6 years ago that Jim and I had our very first conversation about adoption. And here we are 6 years later beginning the journey. I would be completely insane to expect our family and friends to be 100% on board with us 1 month into hearing about it. I will give you a 6 year minimum to get where we are...thats the least I can do. So dont be afraid to ask, dont be afraid to wonder, dont be afraid to question us. The one thing that hurts so very deeply is not when you question or doubt or even talk about me, its when you doubt God. Often times you hear people say that faith is blind or faith is believing what you cannot see. I believe that faith is believing God while you can see. I believe that faith is delivering and holding your stillborn son and knowing that God is by your side and carrying you through. I believe that looking into the yuck of our world and still believing God has a greater plan and that he will receive glory is faith. So then, how can I not have faith that God will be with us every step of the way. Yes I will stumble, I will make mistakes, and I will surely face heartache. BUT I will not be moved from God's ever-present embrace. I told this very precious person last night that I would never wish upon anyone to lose a child, but I would hope and pray for everyone to come to a place where they cant help but run to God's arms and trust him wholeheartedly. That is what I pray for my family and my friends. That is what I pray for the Congolese Community. That is what I pray for you!

So where are we in this process...let me take a minute to catch you up

1-1-12    Application and Doctrinal Documents Sent and Application payment made

1-3-12    Doctrinal Documents re-sent

1-4-12    Congo chosen

1-5-12    Received the Congo manual and heard from our case worker, Maegan

1-6-12    Policies signed and turned in and 1^st Agency payment made

1-11-12  Orientation conference call

1-11-12  Copies of items for home study

1-13-12  1^st Home Study Visit, fingerprints taken, application, dhr forms and fingerprints sent to SBCN (Security Biometrics Clearing Network)

1-20-12  Fingerprints received by SBCN, First discussion on selling the car

1-21-12  Registered for Hague Intercountry Adoption Online training, registered for International Adoption Clinic seminar, and bought The Connected Child

1-23-12  Individual Home Study Interviews in Huntsville

1-25-12  Fingerprints waiting adjudication

1-27-12  Registered for UAB’s online International Adoption Seminar, Kelly completed Hague Training

1-31-12  Heard from our Lifeline worker that will be working with us through Congo

The next step is our final home study visit which is scheduled for mid-February.  

Right now we are completing our education and training. There are 2 online trainings that we have to complete and a book to read. They are very informational. They share the good, the bad, and the ugly. Lots of facts, statistics, and information. One of my favorite parts is watching videos of actual forever families and hearing them discuss their journey because it's real to them and it will be our reality.

Jim asked me last night if the conversation I had last night was good. My answer is yes! Did this precious person respond with 100% jubilation about our journey, no. But I was about to share my heart, share what God's done in my life, and give God all credit for what he has done...so for that reason...YES it was a great conversation!

I refuse.....

I refuse to claim ignorance any longer...let me back up for a minute and explain to you where I'm coming from. On August 25th, 2011 we unexpectedly delivered our third son, Harrison...stillborn. If you do not know the whole story and would like to read about that journey in our life, you can click HERE to read from the beginning. It was most definitely the hardest challenge we have faced in our life thus far. It was also most definitely a time in my life that I could never get through without Gods grace and love. And I joyfully tell you that it was most definitely a time in my life when I felt the closest to God and Jim than I ever have. And for those things, I can tell you now that I am thankful! So now back to ignorance. I would truly be ignorant to reflect back on my life and not be in shambles before God's feet offering him everything, my life, my family, my all. God is the one and only way we survived losing our son. So why would we not give him our all? Are we truly that ignorant as a body of believers? As believers are we living ignorantly? I do not want to live that way anymore. I do not want to live anymore not acknowledging all that God has done and given up for us. He gave up his Son so that we may have life. He gave up his Son so that our sins would be forgiven. If you can read those words and it doesnt change your life then I think there are bigger concerns in your life. Where is your faith? What is it based on? What is "your" Christianity made of? Are you a Christian? When you truly get to a point of grasping what it means that God sent his ONE AND ONLY Son to lay down his life for us...you will be changed. You cannot help but be changed, unless that is you are ignorant. God tells us that we are not to be OF this world but IN IT "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2. We are to be IN the world because he sent us here for his purpose and plan. "Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us." 1 Peter 2:12 We are to live our lives so that others can see God through our lives. We play no role in this thing called life. It is not about us, period, end of story. It is all about God. And if we are living lives that are about us then we are living self-righteously, therefore not in the will of God. So...if we drive cars, wear clothes, buy houses, plan parties, gossip continuously, take charge, lead groups, or do anything so people will look at us and think "oh they are so talented", "I wish I was like her/him", "they are lucky", "how fortunate they are", or so that we will fit in, then we are living in sin and we are living for the wrong reasons and we are living OF and this world. That is NOT what God has called Christians to do. I will be the first person to tell you that I am guilty. I am guilty of living like this in the past, I have wanted people to think those things in their heads or even tell me those things. I pray that God will have grace on me and forgive me of those times. I pray that as my weak grows flesh at any point in the future that His grace will still flow over me and forgive me again and again. But I'm tired of that. I dont want to be just like everyone else in this world. I want people to know why I am where I am today. I want people to know that it is truly by Gods loving grace and mercy that I am where I am. As a human I am incapapable of being where I am. As a human I have failed all my friends and family and I will again.
^"15 Then He said to them, “Beware, and be on your guard against every form of greed; for not even when one has an abundance does his life consist of his possessions.” ¹⁶ And He told them a parable, saying, “The land of a rich man was very productive. ¹⁷ And he began reasoning to himself, saying, ‘What shall I do, since I have no place to store my crops?’ ¹⁸ Then he said, ‘This is what I will do: I will tear down my barns and build larger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. ¹⁹ And I will say to my soul, “Soul, you have many goods laid up for many years to come; take your ease, eat, drink and be merry.”’ ²⁰ But God said to him, ‘You fool! This very night ^[a]your soul is required of you; and now who will own what you have prepared?’ ²¹ So is the man who stores up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God.”
 ²² And He said to His disciples, “For this reason I say to you, ^[b]do not worry about your ^[c]life, as to what you will eat; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. ²³ For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. ²⁴ Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds! ²⁵ And which of you by worrying can add a single ^[d]hour to his ^[e]life’s span? ²⁶ If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters? ²⁷ Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. ²⁸ But if God so clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you? You men of little faith! ²⁹ And do not seek what you will eat and what you will drink, and do not keep worrying. ³⁰ For ^[f]all these things the nations of the world eagerly seek; but your Father knows that you need these things. ³¹ But seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to you. ³² Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom." Luke 12:15-32

So to answer the question...why adopt? I have only one way to answer. When I look at my life and what God has done for us, what God has gotten us through, and how God has blessed us, how can I not choose to give my whole life back to Him? How can I not choose to give him glory in every aspect, every step we take. And if God says...take this journey of adoption, go to Congo then my answer is "Yes. Yes Lord we will follow you and God may you receive the glory every step of the way, here is our life Lord it is yours".  I challenge you friend, wherever you are in life, surrender to our Lord. Your life will look different when you surrender. Your marriage will look different when you surrender. Your friendships will look different.  Your priorities will look different. One of the greatest blessings God has given me is a husband who loves the Lord. While Jim and I were dating in Auburn, Jim worked for Foy Student Union. Sometimes he worked the call desk overnight and would send me long emails at odd hours of the night. In one of these emails he said "my desire is for you to love the Lord more than you ever love me" and at that point I knew I wanted to marry him. Jim has challenged me in my faith and walk with Christ. He challenges me to not only read God's word but LIVE God's word. I am so thankful for a spouse like this. I can only pray that I challenge him in the same way. Maybe you have a spouse like this already, but maybe you dont. If you do, I pray that you continually challenge each other and thank the Lord for blessing you so. If you dont, I pray that you will challenge yourself and pray for your spouse and thank the Lord for giving you a spouse to pray for. And if youre not married, I pray that you will be praying for your future spouse wherever they are and thank the Lord that he is giving you this opportunity to pray for them before you even meet them. Prayer is so powerful friends and I hope you know what a privilege and honor it is that we have to even be able to pray!

No Mistakes

It's interesting to look back over the past 2+ months and reflect on the various ways that I can now see I was trying to "get through the day". I so badly didn't want to hurt or cry anymore, but at the same time I did not want to forget. I immersed myself in new recipes, projects, playing with the boys more, changing my work schedule etc. etc. And at some point I even quit blogging. For whatever reason, I felt these changes might change other circumstances. I thought that if I could change things from how they were to something new it would be different. Somehow I thought they may change what happened. I think I subconsciously had that thought in the back of my mind because it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it doesn't work that way. 

Everybody has moved on. Friends and family aren't tip-toeing around me anymore. The doctor isn't calling me every week to check in. I don't have any more doctor appointments coming up. So it's at this point that I wonder, "Why Lord not me? Why can't I go a single day without thinking about my angel? Why is it still vivid? Why does my heart still break at times? Have I not learned what you wanted to show me? Is the lesson not over?" But that's where I am wrong. Our God is not a past tense God, he is a present tense God. Continually and consistently living, loving, and teaching. So perhaps loosing Harrison is something God will continually and consistently use to teach me and grow me, in that I hope.

I have searched and searched for a specific reason why God allowed this to happen in our lives. I was convinced that I would check the mail and have a handwritten letter from God, postmarked Heaven where He laid out the details for me. I had even decided I would settle for a verse or a song, maybe a burning bush, or squirrel that talked to me. I've searched scripture, I've listened to songs, I've been on my knees, time and time again. I have yet to find the answer I was seeking, but I have learned time and time again that God deserves all glory all the time. It has been so real to me realizing that each of us who were sent into this world have a life story written by our Savior. There is no room for editing. It is what it is....and it is God's great plan, it needs no editing. I have one choice, and that choice is to man-up and live this life, custom written for me, giving God glory in all aspects, stages, situations, and moments. It is by God's great grace and mercy that He even gave me the privilege of being of being one of his disciples in this world...what an honor. How can I not give him the glory?

This Mama still wishes God could have worked his plan a different way, but I know my God makes no mistakes. To God be ALL glory!

Bright Orange Package

I pulled in the driveway and saw the small, bright orange package sitting on my steps and my heart filled with excitement. If you've ever received one of these bright orange packages, you know the feeling inside that I'm talking about. Shutterfly! I LOVE Shutterfly and I love getting packages. But more so than getting a package from Shutterfly, I was excited because I knew what it was. 

Over the last couple of years, I have found that a fun way to capture special times in our lives is to create a photobook. It's easy to do, lets me chime into my creative side a bit, easier to keep up with than a million 4x6 photos, and a neat way to share with family what we've been doing over the last year or so when we get together over the holidays. I have photobooks of our wedding day, the day the boys were born, events throughout the year, holidays, preschool artwork, etc. And I wanted our sweet Harrison to have a book too. I think I've mentioned earlier that our nurse took some pictures for us so I uploaded the pictures and created Harrison's photobook. It may be his one and only photobook, but it sure is a special one!

I was so excited to open the bright orange package, sit down, and see our sweet Harrison again. It was almost like I got to hold sweet boy, even though I didnt really get to physically hold him. God's creation is beautiful and amazing. I sat here, full of excitement knowing I get to hold him again one day and how I long for that day and look forward to it. As I sat here thinking of that day, very clearly God said "And I look forward, Kelly, to the day you are physically with me in Heaven and I get to hold you." Wow! I cannot imagine the excitement God must have to one day hold all his children. Meanwhile, while on Earth, I can feel his sweet embrace. If I had one request, I would ask the Lord to hold Harrison, love on Harrison, and tell him all the stories that we would have told him about our God. But the sweet thing is...I dont have to ask...Harrison went peacefully from my womb straight into God's loving arms. All he has ever known is love, what a blessing!

The Author of my Life

If we know who God is, we believe the Bible is God-breathed, we believe all God's promises to be true, we believe God is who he says he is, we believe what God says he can do, we believe that God's love is eternal and everlasting, and we believe that God has a divine plan and will for our life, why do we stray? Why do we long for something more? Why do we question? Why do we fail? Why do we wonder? Why do we hurt? What is it about God that isn't enough for us? If we truly believe all of these things, would we not always be at His feet overwhelmed with humble tears giving him praise and thanksgiving? We live in a fallen, sinful world, yes. We live in a world where Satan lurks, preys, and brutally attacks, yes. But if we believe all of these things above to be true about our God and we believe that God has selected us to be in his kingdom, then a+b means that we belong to God. Therefore, we do not belong to Satan, so he can lurk, prey, and attack, but little does he know....he can never have us. So.....my question again....why are we not always at His feet overwhelmed with humble tears giving him praise and thanksgiving? Why am I not always at His feet overwhelmed with humble tears giving him praise and thanksgiving? What is it that keeps us from drawing nearer to God? Pride? Time? Kids? Job? Family? Embarrassment? Priorities?

In April, our lives got a little busier than we were accustomed to. Jim started traveling more, April's Fury tornadoes came through and left us without power for a week, meanwhile the stomach bug hit our house for 14 days straight, it was crunch time at work with our seniors as graduation was quickly approaching, amongst other things that I will not go into. It was at a time in my life where I felt I might quite possibly pull all of my hair out. Everything was out of my control. One night, while laying on the bathroom floor covered in towels, waiting for Parker's next "round" to hit, I knew I had hit my limit and I could not handle this life on my own anymore.  I prayed that the Lord would fill my heart with His strength to conquer the coming hours and days as I knew this "bug" was not near over. I knew that I was not, in my life, where God would desire me to be. We were busy going here and there and things had just gotten 'hectic', for lack of a better word. That night, on the cold, germy,  bathroom floor I asked God to transform my life. I prayed, "Lord draw me nearer and nearer to you. Transform my life into whatever you have desired for it to be. Change me, mold me, shape me. Lord, at whatever cost, please Lord, live in me and use me as your light. Change me to be whoever you want me to be." Sure enough, within 36 hours I was laying on the cold, germy, bathroom floor again, all by myself this time. Odds were pretty good that considering the bug scenario I was sure to get it. However, I like to look back and think that I didnt have the bug everyone else had, but rather God was expelling all the nasties in my life so He could begin His good!

Almost exactly to the date 4 months after the tornadoes came through and we were sick, we lost Harrison. If you have read my previous posts, you know this time has been a synonymous mixture of heartache and hope for me. The Lord has been very real in my life, in our lives and we are forever grateful for that! God has answered many prayers and continues to fill us with his promise of hope for a better 'tomorrow'. With all that being said, to answer my previous question: What is it that keeps us from drawing nearer to God? Here goes my vulnerability...my answer is fear. My fear is that God might use another tragedy in my life to draw me nearer to Him. Selfishly, I do not want to encounter tragedy, heartache, and/or loss again. Why can I not just be where God wants me to be and not have to suffer in that way. WOW....how selfish is that thinking? I'm pretty sure that our Lord would much rather have saved his Son than have to crucify him to show us His love...YES SIR....that will put you back in your place. One of the many many good things here, is that I do not have to decide. God has written the perfect life for me even before I was in my mother's womb. He knows every detail, and I need not worry about tomorrow; for the master creator is in control.

Thank you Sweet Jesus for writing my life story. I pray God that I will wake each day with a desire to be fully used for your kingdom however you wish. Thank you Lord for knowing what I need and when I need it, even when I have no words to know what I need.  I pray Father that you will receive all the glory day in and day out. Amen.

Prayer

My prayer today is for some friends from high school who will bury their 2 month old at 11:00 am today. Please keep them in your prayers.

Father God,

You are a mighty God. We praise you and thank you for who you are Lord. For the sacrifice you made giving up your son so that we may have life. Such a sacrifice in our human minds is heart-wrenching and unfathomable, yet you did it so we would know your love. Perhaps the reason you allow some to experience loss is to get a better glimpse of the depth of your love through your sacrifice. I am at your feet today Lord, pleading you be with Katy and Joe today. Father wrap your loving arms around them and give them a peace that passes all understanding. Lord I pray that you cleanse their home of any demons who may try to pry into their lives during this time. God I pray that your blood and scripture will be written on their walls surrounding them at all times. Be their stronghold. Hug them when the times are tough. Give them strength when they have to stand. And give them peace when there are questions. I pray Lord that above all my requests for Katy and Joe, that your loving will be done and that you receive all the glory. May you give Katy and Joe a peace and hope in your kingdom! Thank you Lord for being God of all creation, of the mighty heavens and earth. May we rest tonight knowing you are God and you REIGN! Amen.

Holy Spirit

My mind has been flooded today with a discussion Jim and I had the other day. It involved something we wanted to do to as a memento for Harrison. I decided I could work on it once the boys went to bed, but the closer bed time got, the more upset I got, trying to talk myself out of it. Before long, Parker was out, arms and legs sprawled all over the place, snoring, and drooling. Evidently it was time to move him to bed. I got him up and somehow managed to help him shuffle to the bed, while still asleep. His eyes never opened and he was dead weight. As soon as he hit the bed, he was still immediately, as if he had never moved. I long for rest like this! I tucked him in, leaned over and kissed him, and said "I love you Parker". His eyes opened, he looked at me and said "Mommy, Harrison is in heaven with Jesus", closed his eyes again and was down for the night. It would make sense for me to explain that comment to you by telling you we had talked about Harrison yesterday or that we talked about him every night before bed, but that's not true. We had not talked about him at all yesterday. The best way I can explain it is that the presence of the Lord was in this place. The Holy Spirit spoke so sweetly to me through my Parker.

Deja Vu

I have not blogged in the last couple of days and as I sit here I'm trying to figure out how to put into words my reason why. I am going to throw myself out there and jump to the conclusion that if you are reading this you are someone who cares about our family and out of respect for you, I feel I owe it to you to be honest. As I've written before, when you go through a loss, people from everywhere, books, movies, pamphlets, doctor discharge notes, nurses, EVERYONE tells you to expect to transition through several different phases. You'll feel like you are zoned out, you'll feel sad, you'll feel mad, you'll feel confused, you'll feel guilty, you'll feel regret, you'll feel confused, etc. I hate to label this time in my life as a "process". I have a very hard time believing that I will go through steps 1-8 and then be through the "process". I have told Jim over and over that my hope is that through this time I would grow to become the woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and sister in Christ that God desires for my life. And if that means for my heart to be broken over and over every day, so be it. I want to be where God wants me to be. I am not happy anywhere else. So back to all these feelings people and books have told me I would have...yes I've had some, some more than others. But the one that I never thought I would have and the one I'm having the hardest time with is anger. If you have known me for the first 28 years of my life, I would be surprised if you would label me as an angry person. And if you do, I hope that you'll come talk to me because that is not a personal quality I would ever like to possess and I want to make things right with you. I apologize if I have ever come across that way to you. So, over the last week as I have felt overcome with the uncomfortable feelings of anger, I have yet again, been at a loss for words. I am not angry at God, I am not angry at Jim, I am not angry at Parker and Logan, I am not angry at my family, I am not angry at my friends. The only place I know this anger has come from is Satan and I hate it. We started a new study in Sunday School yesterday, Focused Faith, or Faith Focus, something along those lines. Jim taught the lesson and he started off with the question "Have you ever been robbed of something" and proceeds through the lesson and gets to the question "What has Satan ever robbed you of". I cannot tell you how many things flew through my mind that I wanted to say. Typically I speak up in Sunday School, but as I sat in my chair yesterday and felt a flood of answers run through my head, I got a knot in my throat and knew what would happen if I even tried to open my mouth. So as I sit here with a knot in my throat and tears filling my eyes, I will tell you what Satan wants to rob me of right now. He wants to take my peace, passion, happiness, and interests, but most of all he wants to take away my faith and joy. Once again, I am going to be vulnerably honest with you...Satan is strong. He is very strong. He has been fighting all day, every day for these things in me for 26 days now. Some days I feel like I have nothing in me to fight back, and it is in those days that I am so thankful for a Holy Spirit that fights for me and fills my heart and mind with scripture and songs that I have learned through the years. This right here is an example of why it is important to learn scripture and listen to Christian music. Not just simply read the words on the page, but learn them and impress them on your heart. Because there WILL be times in life when you have no energy or strength to pick the Bible up, and the Holy Spirit will fill your heart and mind in those times with the scriptures and praises that you have on your heart. Satan has fought so hard and continues to fight to rob me of these things. But the fight is not over and he has not won.

I cannot say enough how blessed Jim and I are to be surrounded with such loving and caring family and friends. We know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are loved. And I hate that anyone has been hurt or taken personally me not going out, returning calls, texts, emails, etc. Please know it is not YOU. I know everyone is ready for me to move on. I have longed for answers why I cant just flip a switch and move on. I cannot keep longing for those answers. Our God is full of mystery and wonder. If we could figure him out then he wouldnt be God. So since I have no answer, I have no answer to give you. I can tell you though, that I feel like I am in constant deja vu. I close my eyes to sleep and I feel as if I am laying in the hospital bed at 4 a.m. with contractions. Any pain or twinge I have in my body, my head says "oh no...is the baby ok". Every time I close my eyes, my mind replays over and over August 25...the physical pain, the tears from phyiscal pain, the cries for help, the delivery, the 30 seconds I was alone with Harrison, the panic, the nurse call, holding Harrison, falling into shock, a day of holding the body of our baby that God has already called home, the funeral and burial decisions, our first and last prayer with our precious Harrison, watching the nurse walk out the door with Harrison in her arms, and the sound of the hosptial door shutting . Deja vu over and over.

^"25 I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness— ²⁶ the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the Lord’s people. ²⁷ To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. " Colossians 1:25-27

Thank you Lord for the hope of glory!

Behind every joke there's some TRUTH

Jim and I have joked about the fact that since Jim started teaching our ss class, we inevitably had something happen in our lives that would be applicable to the lesson he was teaching the coming Sunday and of course would be the perfect example to use in class. Through this teaching season, we have grown to be very transparent with our class. It has been a blessing and we would not trade our class for the world. We have all grown very close and consider our ss class to not just be a class, but our group of close friends. It's not your typical "howdy-doo, bring a dish to potluck, we are praying for you" kind of ss group. We value our friendships, we enjoy being with them, and we look forward to growing and learning from them and with them. So why should I be surprised that a while back, it was decided that our class would study Faith next? May be a little more truth in that joke than we'd like to admit.

I have found myself seeking, searching, and reading all I can about hope. Hope that God will carry me through this darkness. Hope that God will heal my heart. Hope that God will use this all to His glory and the Kingdom. Hope that I will wake up each day with joy in my heart. Hope that I will continue to choose God's light to walk through this darkness. The more I search, the more I see that hope is never without faith.

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1

^"Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." Romans 4:18-21 

When hope was dead in Abraham, he kept on hoping in faith, believing that he would become "the father of many nations". He relied on the word of God which definitely referred to "thy seed". With his faith, he considered the circumstances, his own impotence and Sarah's barrenness. However, he REFUSED to allow anything waver him from God. He drew his strength from his faith and continued giving God glory, hoping through his faith that Gods promise was true.

"This means tremendous joy to you, even though at present you may be temporarily harassed by all kinds of trials. This is no accident--it happens to prove your faith, which is infinitely more valuable than gold" 1 Peter 1:6-7

So Lord, I beg you once again, please Lord use our loss for your glory and for the greater good of your Kingdom. You are a constant sovereign God and to be able to love you and live for you is a blessing in and of itself that I do not deserve. My heart aches for the Mommies and Daddies in our world who have lost a child. Father please wrap them in your mighty, loving arms and reveal to them the hope through faith they can find in you. Love them the way you love Jim and myself, warmly, wholly, and eternally. Amen.

  

In a land far, far away

For whatever reason, my mind's energy has been extremely eventful lately while I sleep. My night is either full of nightmares or dreams occurring in places far away. I choose not to rehash my nightmares through this blog as they all refer to the events of the last month and are extremely painful each time I think of them. On the flip-side, some nights I have dreams that I am in places far away completely surrounded with people I do not know. It is as if I am living another life. In my dreams, I know nothing other than the life I have in this far away land. Each dream is one in itself and not related to the others. Some dreams have carried me to the highest point of snow topped mountains and others have taken me to an uninhabited tropical oasis. I think it is nothing shy of genius that we have so many examples of polar opposites in our world, God knew his plan. Night/day, male/female, love/hate, good/evil, nightmare/dream etc. I believe that if we were not exposed to the extreme opposite of what we treasure, the value of that which we treasure would possibly fade or diminish. If we had sunny days all day, every day, then would we possibly become numb to the warmth and beauty of the sun? Now, think about the first day our temperatures hit the 70's after the winter....where do you find everyone? Outside. What is everyone talking about? How beautiful the weather is and how good it feels. After the season of a cold, wet, winter, the sun feels perfectly wonderful and we cannot soak it in enough. Therefore, in this situation, the opposites of weather have reminded us of the joy that sun and warmth brings giving us more of a thankful and appreciative mindset. So is it possible that as life ticks by, we take advantage of the ease in everyday life. Everything seems to be going pretty well. I'm blessed with a great marriage, two precious boys, a wonderful job that I get to do because I want to, not because I have to, an adorable dog, fantastic friends, and a loving family. Life is good. Is it possible that we forget the value in these things? Is it possible we forget the value of the creator of all these things? Is it possible that we forget the value of life? Is it possible that we forget the value of true love? Is it possible that we forget the value of sacrifice? Is it possible that we forget the original plan for life on this earth? So, what if God, in his perfect plan, uses the opposite of the good life to bring back the value? That opposite being heartache. 

Change of plans

Today we had planned to have a Gender Reveal party for our family. We figured by the 3rd child we needed to do something extra fun to get everyone pumped up about having another little one running around, making a mess, and tearing into everything. Everyone marked their calendars and my sweet sister even took some time off work so she could be here in plenty of time since she was traveling from out of town.  I had my food, decoration, and reveal ideas all organized and fine-tuned. The only thing that needed to happen was have the ultrasound. We didn't get to have our Gender Reveal party today, but we did have a mini party the other day.

Over the last two weeks I have submerged myself in recipe hunting. I have cooked new recipes each night with a wide variety of meals, some hearty and some healthy. I guess cooking is the only thing I feel like I can be in control of right now while my heart and emotions are so out of control. Which is also the reason, I think, that Jim has declined so many meals from our loving friends. Cooking each night has been the one thing I've looked forward to each day. One night, I decided to make the Chocolate Coke Cake. While I was preparing the batter, Parker walked up and said "Mommy...what are you making? A cake?" And before I could even respond, Parker lit up with glee and continued, "OH a BIRTHDAY cake!" I paused for a minute and then answered back, "Yes Parker, do you want to help Mommy make a birthday cake for Harrison?" He quickly answered, "YES YES YES!" The conversation continued and Parker assured me that Harrison wanted a Spiderman cake, but that he couldn't have a monster cake because that was Parker's favorite. We all watched the cake bake in the oven and patiently (some more than others) waited for the cake to cool. I let the boys pick out the birthday candles and decide how many candles we needed for the cake. Without hesitation, Parker said, "3, we need 3 candles". I like to think that Parker chose 3 candles, one for each of them, Parker, Logan, and Harrison. Or perhaps it's because Parker is 3 and he didn't understand it wasn't for him. For whatever the reason he chose 3, in that moment, in that very moment I was reminded of the trinity, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. So thank you Lord for my Parker choosing 3 and reminding me of your love, sacrifice, and grace! And then we sang. We sang Happy Birthday to Harrison. 

Plans change. Whether it be a party being cancelled, baking a cake, or loosing a child...plans can change. Dear Lord, I pray today that in all my planning I seek you first and that your will would be my plan for each and every day. Thank you sweet sweet Jesus for your grace and mercy. I pray God that my heart will bleed for you and that this life you have blessed me with will live to glorify you.

At this very moment

At this very moment, Jim and I had planned to be at St. Vincents anxiously awaiting one of the most exciting moments all expecting parents wait for.....the gender ultrasound. Little did we know that Harrison was actually 3 weeks older than we thought, which would have made us 21 weeks today. The blessing in this is that when we had Harrison 2 weeks ago, it was very clear that he was a precious little boy, leaving no wonder for our minds to follow. I see pictures of the boys around the house and it saddens my heart to think they have a brother not with them. I find myself gazing at the boys running around the backyard, playing on the play set, chasing the dog, stomping through mud, and imagining their little brother was with them getting dirty and into lots of mischief. I think it's inevitable that my mind has been flooded with the many things that our sweet Harrison James will not get to experience: mud, building forts, catching frogs, making messes, tball, soccer, trying to sleep on Christmas eve, tearing into his first birthday cake, bringing home his first A, going mudding, getting his first car, graduating, college football, falling in love, picking out the perfect ring, and walking down the aisle, and holding his first child for the very first time. But as my heart and mind are swamped with these things, God overwhelms me with thoughts of one of the most beautiful promises. Our little Harrison may not get to experience any of the things above, but our little Harrison will know nothing but love. He will not experience the pain of colic, the hurt of a skinned knee, the betrayal of a friend, or the heartbreak of lost love. All a Mommy wants to do is love and protect her children. In this time, when I cannot hold and protect Harrison, our sweet sweet Savior is giving him the greatest love and protection of all.

Greatest place to be

On My Knees

There are days
when I feel
The best of me
is ready to begin (the end)
Then there's (the) days
when I feel
I'm letting go
and soaring on the wind
'Cause I've learned in laughter or in pain
How to survive!

I get on my knees! (2x)
There I am before the Love
That changes me
See I don't know how
But there's power
When I'm on my knees

I can be
in a crowd
Or by myself
and almost anywhere
When I feel
there's a need
To talk with God
He is Emmanuel
When I close my eyes,
no darkness there
There's only light!

I get on my knees (x2)
There I am before the Love that changes me
See I don't know how, but there's power
In the blue skies, in the midnight
When I'm on my knees
I get on my knees (x2)
There I am before the Love
That changes me
See I don't know how, but there's power
When I'm on my, oh, when I'm on my
When I'm on my knees

More than Conquerors

Sitting in worship this morning, there was no denying that the Holy Spirit was present. One of the opening songs was Healing in Your Hands. A beautiful song that brought new meaning to my heart. The chorus: 

How high, how wide

No matter where I am, healing is in Your hands
How deep, How strong

And now by Your grace I stand, healing is in Your hands

Sitting in room 612, holding sweet Harrison in my hands, tears fell from my eyes onto his tiny, little, perfect body as my heart broke over and over because I could not do anything to help him, to save him, to bring him back. It took hours to sink in that we could do nothing (and I still have daily thoughts and wonders race through my mind if something could have been done). All we could do was raise our hands up and through our quiet prayers offer our Harrison to the Lord, to place him in the Lord's healing hands. It's in the same healing hands that I find myself each day as I wake, pleading with the Lord to hold me, to carry me, to stay by my side one day more.

Verse:

In all things, we know that.
We are more than conquerors.
You keep us by your love.
You keep us by your love. 

More than conquerors......a conqueror? Conqueror is not one of the words I would use to describe myself right now. This song is based on pretty much all of Romans 8, but particularly verses 37-39 where Paul paints a beautiful picture of his belief that absolutely NOTHING can separate us from God's love. WOW! When you back up and start reading in verse 18, Paul very blatantly talks about the relationship between our current sufferings and future glory, and says there is no comparison at all. Creation, from the beginning was "subject to frustration" from the creator's will. But in the future, He will free us from the frustration and bring us into freedom...and that is where, as Christians, our HOPE is born. So when we read down to verses 31-39 Paul speaks from his heart in sharing with us all that if God loves us so much that He would sacrifice His son, then there is no way He would let anything come between His love and ourselves. Sweet love! A sweet love that holds us close, that creates in us conquerors so ... "... in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us." Romans 8:37. No, I am not a conqueror. But, yes, the Lord can create in me a conqueror through His sweet, sweet love!

Ready...Set.........

 

As we sat in the den and watched our first Auburn game of the season, fans yelling, shakers shaking, vibrant colors covering the stadium, and a sense of great happiness and anxiousness jump from the stadium through the screen. In that very moment, reality hit me that the world hasn't stopped and life is still going. The hustle and bustle has not stopped a bit. And in that same very moment, I found myself feeling abandoned and alone because I feel as though my world has stopped. I would never wish the feelings in my heart on any other. The thought of the many Mommies and Daddies who have already been in our shoes or who so innocently have no clue that they too will one day walk in the same shoes truly breaks my heart. If I could do something to prevent it from happening to them...if only. I find myself getting overwhelmed with feelings some days that since I'm a Christian I need to be progressing through this grief quicker and finding myself with more laughs and smiles. I know that God allows things to happen for reasons, reasons I may never know (Proverbs 3:5-6). I know that God works all things for the glory of his Kingdom (Romans 8:28). I know that God knows the plans of my life (Jeremiah 29:11) I know that God is greater than any trial he allows in my life. I know that God uses trials to grow me stronger and more mature (James 1:2-4). I know that we already have two precious blessings and that it is possible for me to have  more babies. I know that God can use this for his glory and to touch the lives of others. I know all of these things. But these things do not fill my empty arms and my aching heart. They don't bring Harrison back. And I wish there was some way these others lives could be touched, some way than through this loss. I wonder if God felt this way as he sacrificed His son? What a sacrifice, what a price. Oh how very thankful and humbled it brings me to His feet. Thank you sweet Lord! I thank the Lord that He chose me and holds me tight each day. I am overwhelmed with His love and strength right now. If He didn't hold me tight, I would have withered away with my sorrow and pain. Sweet Jesus, rock my baby and hold him very tight. Everyone may continue with life, not a thing changed or sorrowed, but I'm coming to the realization that my life will never be the same, but my life will continue. So...dear Lord, my Father, sweet Jesus, ready...set...lets walk this journey together.

Recipe for Healing

I find myself quite content in my home, with my boys, in my safe place. I don't have to answer the door, I don't have to answer the phone, I don't have to answer texts, I don't have to answer emails. And I don't have to look anyone in the face and tell them our story. What am I doing? Somewhere in the depths of my mind, I think I'm trying to convince myself that if I don't answer the door, phone, texts, emails, or see my friends and family face to face that somehow, someway, Harrison will come back and be home with us in my arms, in my empty arms, or even possibly still growing in my belly with not a single thing wrong. It's quite possible that I've led myself to believe such is true because right now I have no desire to step out of my safe place, it terrifies me to think I might have to face reality again.

If you know Jim and myself very well, it doesn't take long to realize that we both possess quite strong personality traits that are none the less opposite each other. We like to think that God has blessed us through these differences and grown us together through these differences. If Jim didn't possess some of the qualities he has, then by now we would have 8 dogs, a pool, 3 vehicles, a party at our house every weekend which would be in the county, visited Jamaica and several other tropical islands several times, adopted a few children, be open for foster care, make gift baskets for every person that we know has had a bad day, and the list goes on. So needless to say, I am thankful for our differences. As we sat in our hospital room trying to grasp what had just happened, God revealed and continues to reveal to me daily an empathetic and all passionate side of my husband that I never knew existed. This is once again one of those times that I hold sacred between Jim and myself and choose to keep private. But it so deeply humbles me thinking of God's great omnipotent planning. There are many times in our relationship that I would sulk wishing Jim would be more understanding, at the moment it was imperative that he understand and feel with me why my friend so badly hurt me or that we couldn't leave the house yet because I had not found the right thing to wear. But to think that our God didn't have the perfect time to reveal his true love, empathy, and care through my husband was preposterous on my behalf. I am, yet again, astonished at God's impeccable timing in knowing what I needed and when I needed it.

Part of my fear in facing reality in the real world is what people might perhaps say. I understand that people do not know what to say, much less how to say what they do not know they want to say. So people fumble, ramble, and often times end up in an awkward position. It is nobody's fault, and I understand that. But I'm not going to lie, I would like to prevent or avoid it. My sweet husband has been so insightful over the last couple of years in helping me realize that people have no way of knowing what I want, don't want, need, and don't need. That type of telepathic technology has just not been developed. No worries, I'm writing up my proposal for Jim to start working on it. But in the meantime, Jim assures me I can have no expectations, but trust that God will carry me through those times, conversations, and responses.

When we have people in our lives that are hurting, we inevitably want to fix it. We want to make it all better. I love living in the South and would never trade it for life in the North (based on my one visit to NY). I love being a Southern Belle and all traditions that come with being a SB just feel right. As Southerners we are born and raised with the recipe for healing others in our hearts:

Recipe for Healing

1 - Card sent in the mail (flowers may be substituted)

1 - Email or text sent weekly

1 - Home-cooked meal provided and delivered

 -Mix all ingredients together with a smile

-Sprinkled with lots of "I love you's"

-Top with "You'll understand one day why it happened"

(In no way do I hope to upset or offend anyone. We have truly been humbled by the outstretched arms of love that our friends and family have sent our way. We know your heart, we know your intentions, and we know you love us and for that we are thankful and oh so blessed)

As good as the recipe may sound, until you have walked in the shoes of heartache, you will never realize that the recipe above is not what you hunger for. I think as Southerners we have honestly done each other an injustice. I have searched and searched for the best recipe and the truth be told, there is no recipe for healing, there is one great Healer, and his name is Jesus. I may never know why He allowed what He did, I may never see a reason, I may never understand why He chose to involve the ones He did, but I do know that He promises me Hope and right now that is all I have.

  "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

I heard a quote on t.v. yesterday from a new movie coming out "Just because I'm hurt, doesn't mean I'm broken" - Dolphin Tale. Don't kid yourself, I am hurting. I'm hurting very bad. BUT my God is the same God as he was yesterday and the day before. My God is the God who sacrificed His son. As I grieve, he grieves, He understands better than anyone. He also promises me Hope, and that is where I rest.

The beginning of the rest of my life

Tuesday, August 16

Jim knew I was unusually anxious about flying this time based on few comments that I had made in the previous couple of days and my overall body language and demeanor. Let me stop here to say that I have been blessed beyond words with a devoted husband who continually and lovingly assures this worrisome wife of his that everything will be ok. I have no doubt in my mind that if we were being chased by 5 huge black bears and a pack of wolves, he would still assure me that it was going to be ok, and no doubt he would find a way out of the situation, even if he was clueless at the moment. He took my hand in his and held it tight. From the moment our plane took off the ground, a pit in my stomach told me that something horrible would happen and my eyes flooded with tears. I immediately thought it was hormones because everyone tends to blame things on hormones when you’re pregnant so why not shift the blame myself? It was different. Something wasn’t right. Nightmares flew through my head of my precious husband and baby boys. Would our plane crash leaving our dear boys parentless at the ages of 3 ½ and 2? Would something happen to Jim leaving me pregnant and widowed with 2 children and one on the way? Would something happen to our boys while we were gone and we wouldn’t have the chance to save them, much less say good-bye? I asked God to fill my heart and mind with Him. Immediately, the chorus of Josh groban’s song You Raise Me Up flooded my mind: “You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up... To more than I can be” At the moment, God filled my heart and soul with beautiful images of Him holding me in his mighty hand high above the mountains, seas, and fears that lay beneath us. Never did the nightmare cross my mind that so much of my heart belonged to someone I had yet to meet.

Wednesday, August 17

We woke early so we’d be sure to have enough time to eat breakfast and find our way to the Naval Base with time to spare before the Change of command. It was a great honor and privilege to be able to attend the ceremony as well as meet many individuals and families who live and breathe to serve our country. One really neat opportunity we had was to tour the Naval Aircraft CVN-65 US Enterprise. We began the tour and the further I went, the stranger I felt. Something wasn’t right. I stopped for a moment and thought to myself that it would hardly be possible to have contractions at 14 weeks and that once again, it must be those hormones. I proceeded with the tour and what I was questioning as contractions continued. At almost the exact moment it happened, another family member decided to stop and take a break, at none the less the perfect time for me to stop as well. After spending a relaxing couple of hours by the pool with my mother in law, it was once again time to get ready and head to a party. I knew we’d be out late so in an attempt to prepare for the night, we rested some in our room and ate a southern dinner of chicken, corn, mashed potatoes, and salad before leaving. During the party, I felt a  headache beginning to form, but in trying to stay positive, I assured myself, it was because I was out way past my usual bedtime and once again, perhaps those hormones.

Thursday, August 18

I woke with bittersweet thoughts Thursday morning. I longed to be home, holding my boys, and back in a routine, sleeping in my own bed. However, I dreaded the plane ride with a mind already filled with horrible “what-ifs”. The excitement, anticipation, and giddiness I use to have when preparing to fly had morphed into dread, fear, and anxiety…once again…perhaps the hormones. But Jim, none the less, being supportive. As we boarded the plane and prepared for take-off I found myself, once again, drowning in tears. Knowing that the God we serve is a loving, comforting, and sovereign God, I began to pray “Lord protect and guide this plane and may your angels carry us home safely to our boys. But above all these things I ask Lord, may your will be done, may you receive Glory, and may it be well in my soul.” The tears still came, but imagining angels guiding our plane through the air gave this Mama the peace I needed to make it home. My headache continued to grow through the plane-ride, but with changing cabin pressure and being tired it was hard to gauge…and once again…there are those hormones.

After landing, we were merely a 1 hr marta ride and 2+ more hour car ride away from our boys, but finally we were on the ground safely. My hopes were that once I had all my boys in the same vehicle I would settle down and begin feeling better. We got the boys, made it home, and the headache continued.

Friday, August 19

On my to-do list for the day I had planned grocery shopping, playing with Logan outside (Parker would be at preschool), strolling in the park with a precious friend, unpacking, laundry, preparing for the week ahead, and perhaps swimming. There was no room left on my list for a migrane. But to my dismay, when I awoke, I swore Jim had clubbed me in the head with a caveman’s bat, after taking my eyeballs out and throwing them against the wall like bouncy balls a couple of times. Surely drinking several glasses of water, Gatorade, and 2 tylenol will help…nothing touched it. So my sweet Logan laid with me on the sofa and watched Toy Story 1, 2, and 3, Scooby Doo Movie, and every episode of Veggie Tales on Netflix available. If you know Logan, you know it was truly an answer to prayer that he laid still long enough to let Mommy be still for so long.

Saturday, August 20

Having a history of becoming dehydrated and losing my appetite during pregnancy, it was the easiest for everyone, including myself, to assume that my headaches were derived from one of the aforementioned. Bless my sweet family and dear friend’s hearts, they just wanted me to feel better and flooded our inboxes with suggestions of what I should try to feel better. Jim gave me a run-down of the list and we tried everything imaginable to ease the pain. I longed for one minute of painless rest. Still half-way thinking my body was just worn-out from the trip, I stayed home with Logan and sent Jim to a birthday party for one of Parker’s friends. With the lights out, laying perfectly still, and cold compresses on my eyes, precious Logan walks over to me, gently pats me on the shoulder and said “Mommy its ok, I love you”, kissed me on the cheek, and snuggled as close to me as he could. “Through the words of children and infants, you have established a stronghold against your enemies to silence the foe and the avenger” Psalm 8:2. Thank you Lord!

Through the evening and night Saturday, my body rested none. The caveman pains deepened behind my eyes and throbbing continued over the front of my head. In addition, through the night, back and leg pains developed. I was hit with deep, dull ache that left me nowhere but curled up in pain. At times the pain seemed to worsen, but never left. I still feel I owe Jim an apology for my ramblings, cries, and attempts during the night to ease the pain. Something in my body was not right, something was wrong. I began to feel a sense of lonliness come over me as if nobody believed me, but rather thought perhaps I was being a hypochondriac or maybe once again I just needed to toughen up and of course there are those hormones. By 2:15 am knowing at this point I would get no rest, I found a spot on the sofa in the den and sat in the quiet, lamp-lit den. Having had several miscarriages myself and experiencing what it feels like “on the other side” not just physically but also emotionally, I find myself consciously concerned with the thoughts and feelings of those around me. Whether I know the person in line next to me at Target or not, you never know what they are experiencing or have just experienced. My heart bleeds for women who long for a child or have lost for a child. And because of this, I have tried to be aware of those around me that I don’t even know are around, as not to rub in their face that I’m expecting, its hard enough as it is and they don’t need me flaunting a “baby on board” tee or rubbing my belly in their face to remind them of their heartache. So for the first time, alone in my den at 2:15 am, I laid my hand on my belly, and Baby Powell and I sat and cried and prayed together. We prayed for my friends whose hearts are aching right now, hearts who are crying out to be rescued and held protected from the agonies and tragedies of this world. We prayed for our family, and we prayed that God would draw Mommy nearer and nearer to the Lord and that in some way, somehow God would receive glory through this pain Mommy cant get to go away. 2:15 in the morning will never be a more cherished time in my heart.

Sunday, August 21

By this point, weary in pain and exhausted was an understatement. My greatest desire at this point was that someone believe me and truly understand how bad I was hurting. I wanted someone, anyone, to understand that something was wrong. Jim continued with our normal schedule to church and Sunday school with the boys, once again still thinking maybe rest and fluids would help me feel better. We debated calling the doctor at this point because if you call over the weekend and its not an emergency they charge you a fee. I understand completely the need for this as to deter calls about minor or non-emergency questions that can wait until business hours. However, when the nurse answered and harshly asked me “are you sure this is an emergency”, I once again started to question myself. At this point I truly began to ask myself if I was crazy. If I truly felt so bad and nobody was believing me, maybe I had gone mad. The doctor called in Immitrex and told me to only take the 2^nd Immitrex if the first was not working and to call back if the 2^nd pill did not help. After speaking with her, who shall remain nameless, I would not be calling back. We had a Sunday school pool party planned for the afternoon and Jim had mentioned he would go and take the boys, thinking the medicine would make me sleepy anyway. The last thing I wanted to do was inconvienence anyone or bother anyone, but the thought of Jim leaving and me being home alone began to terrify me. I was beginning to feel scared of what the future held. As Jim prepared the swim bag, I looked at him with tear-filled eyes and asked him to please not leave my side. In that moment I told him something was wrong and I didn’t know what it was. I was scared to be alone. The pain continued. Immitrex did nothing.

Monday, August 22

First thing Monday morning I called and easily got an appointment to see my doctor after explaining what had happened over the last couple of days and that I was pregnant. Jim and I were to be in Birmingham at 10:30 for my appointment. About 15 minutes into the trip to Birmingham, my leg and back pains seemed to intensify and remained very strong for 10 minutes. The pain would slightly subside, and within 10 minutes were back again full force. It was at this moment, for the first time that I wondered if they were contractions. Surely not, but thankful I would soon see my doctor. It wasn’t 10 minutes after our arrival that I was called back to the Nurse’s Station for basic check-in info: weight, urine, blood, basic questions, etc. The nurse very kindly asked me if the Immitrex worked the night before and when I told her “no” she followed up with “well why didn’t you call back”. At this point, my tears began and I started to explain to her that the nurse I spoke with made me feel as if my call had not been an emergency and I didn’t want to bother her again. Never did I imagine that SHE would be the very nurse standing in front of me!!! She proceeded telling me I should always call back, blah blah, if I didn’t feel better, blah blah, and she never meant to upset me, blah blah. At this point her apologies were not helping and I just wanted to see my doctor. Jim came back with me and after talking with the doctor, he felt sure the leg and back pains were not related to the headaches. Probably simply pregnancy pains. Baby Powell measured great and had a wonderful heartbeat of 164. He recommended eating a banana a day, drinking lots of water, tonic water and OJ at night, and taking a calcium supplement and perhaps a magnesium supplement. As for the headaches, he was concerned they had progressed so long and not gone away so he referred me to a neurologist for further testing and would see me again in 3 weeks for our ultrasound as previously scheduled. Concerned now that I had something more serious wrong, I called the neurologist as we got to the parking deck and by the divine grace of God, he was able to see me that day! We had about an hour before the appointment so we decided to go to Mama and Daddy’s house so Jim could get some work in. We purchased all the suggested items by my doctor and I took them, ate them, drank them on the way to Mama’s house with hopes of feeling better asap. Upon arrival at Mama’s, I was in great pain once again and could not sit, stand, or lay down. I found myself walking laps in her house wailing trying to get them to understand something was not right. I remember praying and pleading that God would please find someone who could understand and believe me and someone who could help me. As the appointment time approached, the back and leg pains subsided enough to get in the car and make it to the appointment. However, the headache was now throbbing on top of my head as well. After a brief examination, the neurologist concluded that he wanted to follow up with an MRV (similar to an MRI but safer for pregnant women) and an EEG but that he would not be able to get me in until NEXT FRIDAY! In the meantime, he gave me Demerol to take for pain, but mentioned that being pregnant I should only take one every 24 hours if absolute need be. By the time we got home, something had seemed to give me some relief and having not slept in several days, my body was exhausted and I fell asleep, not waking until the morning.

Tuesday, August 23

This being day #7 of something unclear that was going on, I fully hoped to wake feeling refreshed and anew. When I woke with “caveman head” and upper back, lower back, and leg pains, my fear grew. How would I explain to Jim that, yet again, I wasn’t feeling well? I asked God to fill me with his word and he reminded me of Isaiah 41 and his promise to Israel that he will not leave us and that we should fear not. I took my first dose of Demerol which seemed to be great for the first 3 hours. Jim tells me that he walked out, saw me on the couch and said “are you ok, how is the medicine” and I said to him “I good, I’m flying”. Evidently it was helping because either A-Jim is lying through his teeth or B-the medicine really REALLY did work for a short time. About 3 hours into the medicine, it completely wore off and all symptoms came rushing back. I was terrified to take another pill. At this point, my concern for the baby grew, I didn’t want to keep taking any medicine that might harm the baby. When you are pregnant medicines are categorized by letters, A, B, C, D, and X. Each medicine is labeled. A medicines are typically taken no problem during pregnancy (i.e. Tylenol) and X medicines can be lethal. So now that you understand the lettering system, each medicine they had given me, although approved by the doctor, was labeled C. Generally fine to take during pregnancy, but bothered me. One of my doctors sweet nurses is a dear friend of the family for years. She and Mama had been talking on the phone back and forth all day as they were both beginning to get very concerned. Our sweet nurse called my doctor at home, updated him, and he said I should take another Demerol right away and if it didn’t help to come to the Emergency Room. Many tears later when I came to terms with the fact that once again, the medicine was not working, I somewhere found it in me to tell Jim we needed to go to the emergency room. Still filled with doubt, fear, and wonderings if I’m crazy, we made arrangements for the boys and headed to the emergency room at 7:30 pm. The 45 minute drive to St. Vincents was silent until 8:10 pm. Without turning my head and barely speaking above a whisper I said “If anything happens, please tell them I want to hold the baby”. After what felt like an eternity of silence, my precious and selfless husband said, “I promise”.

We were greeted in the ER lobby by a llifelong friend Jim has known from church. Call it coincidence, call it typical, but I call him an angel. We walked in and were in a room within 5 minutes waiting to see the doctor. After several hours of paperwork, blood tests, urine tests, and medicine attempts, I had a fever of 102 and the medicines were not helping with the pain. My neurologist told them he wanted to do a CT scan as soon as possible, and follow up with an MRV, which would be in the morning. Because they didn’t know where my temperature was coming from, they could not release me. I was then admitted to the hospital.

Wednesday, August 24

I remember bits and pieces of Wednesday. Most of the day they were trying different medicines to see if they could get the pain to subside. Most pain meds would begin to work and wear off quickly so they would try another and then another. It’s always frightening when the neurologist looks at you and says “I’m not sure what is going on”. I sent Jim home to shower, get the boys, and bring them to Birmingham so my parents could watch them the next day as it appeared I wasn’t going home soon. We had no answers, the doctors didn’t know what was going on and I felt as though I was trapping Jim and keeping him from working and other things that would be more enjoyable at the time. He needed to get out of the room, he needed to breathe, and he needed to sit in the presence of God, alone. I remember sitting in my room, looking over at my Mama, and just crying out to her saying “something is just not right mama, something is wrong”. My fear for Baby Powell began to grow and I requested they bring a baby Doppler up to let me hear the heartbeat. The least of my worries at this point was that the AC in my room was not working and at points had reached 90 degrees. Needless to say, they moved me to another room that happened to be a suite, which would give Jim more room. Fairly quickly after being moved, an OB nurse came and checked Baby Powell’s heartbeat. It was 168 and sounded great. The last thing I remember from Wednesday night was that they were going to try a new medicine, it was something they give patients who are psychotic, 45 seconds later I was out.

Thursday, August 25

4:00 am on the dot I woke in great pain. My lower abdomen and back were hurting like never before. It did not take me long, I KNEW I was having contractions. I could see Jim had made it back and was sleeping soundly in his bed in the suite area, I didn’t want to bother him, so after having contractions every 3-4 minutes, I called my nurse at 5:00 am. She came in, gave me some more pain medicine to see if that would help and told me to let her know if it didn’t. By 5:30 they were not any better but rather worse, every 3 minutes, lasting 30 seconds each and I called her again. She left my room to call the doctor on call. She said the doctor would be in my room within the hour to check on me, she was already on her way to visit patients in the hospital. At 6:25 she walked in my room. She asked me a few questions and told me she was going to check my cervix and then send me up for an ultrasound just to check on everything. She requested I empty my bladder before my exam. From that moment on, I felt as though I was standing outside my body watching somebody else’s story. I had started bleeding.

The doctor checked me and said everything was where it should be and in good condition but she wanted to speed up the ultrasound and that I’d have that done within the hour. She left to see her other patients and said my doctor would be back after the ultrasound.

At 7:15, Jim and I, alone in my room experienced a delivery no man or woman ever imagines and 7:15 am on thursday, August 25^th would mark the date and time our lives were changed forever.

As if I was in another body, standing back, watching it all happen, I remember hearing myself cry out to Jim “the baby, the baby is here, get help”. In the next 10 seconds I had alone with our baby, I learned how much you can love someone you’ve never met and a feeling of wanting to literally give all of myself to save this innocent child. There is much of this day that Jim and I choose to keep sacred between us. But I promise there is no parent that imagines delivering, holding, naming, planning a funeral, and saying goodbye to their child all in the same day. Absolutely, no question about it at all, the most trying day of our entire lives.

Friday, August 26

I don’t remember much about Thursday evening and night, but holding Jim and never wanting to let go. God gave me one of the greatest gifts when he blessed me with a husband who prays with and over our family. A husband whose desire is for my strength, hope, and joy to be found in the Lord rather than in him, all the while being exactly what I have needed him to be today. I have told Jim several times that I don’t want to my days to be filled with sadness and doubt. I so badly want to be happy and full of joy. I want my desires, passions, and interests in life to come flooding back. I want what is good, noble, and just, but right now I find eyes filling with tears each time I turn around or try to speak a word from my mouth. I miss my baby boy Harrison and long to hold him one more time.

Saturday, August 27

My greatest desire for today is that the Lord will fill our hearts, souls, and minds with His word and His promises, not only during the day but also as we rest. I have been struggling with nightmares the last couple of nights, waking in tears. God’s loving arms are so good and He knows just what we need. Growing up in a traditional Methodist church, we sang a lot of hymns growing up, some that still come to mind Standing on the Promises of God: Standing on the promises that cannot fail, When the howling storms of doubt and fear assail, By the living Word of God I shall prevail, Standing on the promises of God.

Sunday, August 28

Jim and I have been overwhelmed by the kind words, texts, emails, messages, cards, and gestures of our loving friends and family. We are blessed beyond words with Christian brothers and sisters who are surrounding us right now. So many of you have expressed your desire to do something, bring something, say something, say anything that will help ease the pain and make it better. Trust me, we all wish a hug, card, or pot roast could fix it all. Please hear us when we say that the greatest thing any friend can do for another is commit to sincerely pray for them. As Jim and I have encountered various struggles individually as well as in our marriage over the past 5 years, God has showed us that the best thing we can do for each other is praying for each other. Not just merely saying it but earnestly lifting each other in prayer. I don’t know why you are reading this story today, whether you are a dear friend of mine or its something you have stumbled upon, but my greatest desire in this day is that you see and grasp the importance of prayer. Pray for your spouse, your future spouse (if not married), your family, your friends, your co-workers, etc.

Monday, August 29

The one place I was not looking forward to seeing again was St. Vincents. I was fearful of emotions and memories flooding my heart and mind…as if they had already left…not sure what I was thinking. Being that my doctor requested to see me so soon, I assumed everyone was informed what had happened and figured once they called me out of the waiting room I could rest in what I would think of as a “safe place”. My thoughts of a safe place were shattered when the nurse walked in and said “ok lets check that little heartbeat”. I’m pretty sure my heartbeat stopped as I mustered up enough strength to say to the new, young, nurse I had never seen before, who didn’t belong to my doctor anyway, “um…you may want to check my file”. She rambled and I finally just requested to see my doctor. Hoping and trying so hard to hold it together, they moved me to another room and I could see the look of sincere apology and mortification as my doctor walked in. He gave me a hug, better than a Santa Claus hug and almost as good as a Daddy hug and said “honey I’m so so sorry”. We proceeded to talk about the typical post-delivery visit; my physical, mental, and emotional state. We also talked about what happened. My doctor assured me over and over again that there is nothing that we did, could have done, or not done to prevent what happened. It was one of those one-in-a-million things that just happens. They are running lots of pathology tests, but all-in-all, to me, nothing will change the fact that it happened.

Tuesday, August 30

While sitting at lunch today, I told Jim that I have this feeling in my heart that I never want to lose. I got about halfway through that first statement and quit talking. When Jim asked me why I told him I just didn’t want to cry anymore and every time I begin to talk, I feel the tears come and I begin to get choked up so I stop myself. He encouraged me to keep on, so through my tears I shared my heart with him. I guess it’s a good thing you cant hear my tears and chokes as I attempt to share with you. Each time I think of Harrison or anything related to the last 2 weeks of my life, I feel my heart swell with great sadness and grief all the while simultaneous hope. It seems there is a harmonious song that is played between heartbreak and hope that comes from none other than our God. For some reason, unknown to me, God has allowed this tragedy and heartbreak into our lives. A reason we don’t know right now, we may not know for a long time, and a reason we may never know at all. But the very same God has drawn us nearer to Him in this time for comfort, peace, and strength than he ever has before. I so badly long to be in a position where I can say “yes, I would go through this again in a heartbeat to be this close to my Lord and Savior” and I KNOW I will be there one day, I’m not yet, but I will be and that is where I want to be!

I have shared with several friends and family members over the last year, the lyrics for Blessings by Laura Story. But it is today, that I bask in the promises and hopes her lyrics offer:

Blessings: Laura Story

We pray for blessings We pray for peace Comfort for family, protection while we sleep We pray for healing, for prosperity We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering All the while, You hear each spoken need Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops What if Your healing comes through tears What if a thousand sleepless nights Are what it takes to know You’re near What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise We pray for wisdom Your voice to hear And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love As if every promise from Your Word is not enough All the while, You hear each desperate plea And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops What if Your healing comes through tears What if a thousand sleepless nights Are what it takes to know You’re near And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise When friends betray us When darkness seems to win We know the pain reminds this heart That this is not, this is not our home It's not our home Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops What if Your healing comes through tears And what if a thousand sleepless nights Are what it takes to know You’re near What if my greatest disappointments Or the aching(s) of this life Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy And what if trials of this life The rain, the storms, the hardest nights Are Your mercies in disguise

Wednesday, August 31

I wish that all days were good days or better yet even great days, but I’m learning it’s the hard days that sometimes we need the most. I’m not going to lie and I’m not going to beat around the bush…today has been a very hard day. I never knew my body held so many tears. Sometimes I wish that I could cry out of every pore in my body and just get it all out at once. As Jim sat and held me earlier today, he kissed me on my head and asked me what it was that made me cry. If you know Jim, you know he has an innate ability to make the simplest questions be questions that make you “think”. Sometimes I welcome his questions with arms wide open and pop back with an answer, sometimes I respond and tell him that I don’t want my head to start hurting so I’m not going to answer right now, and sometimes it just makes me think and leaves me in silence. There are a million reasons that I find myself overwhelmed with tears, but these are just a few:

1.      I miss Harrison

2.      I want to hold Harrison in my arms again

3.      I want to smell sweet Harrison’s baby smells

4.      I don’t understand why we didn’t get to spend longer with Harrison

5.      I don’t understand why we didn’t get to see Harrison laugh and coo

6.      I don’t understand why Parker and Logan didn’t get to meet their brother

7.      I don’t understand why the doctors didn’t know something was wrong

8.      I don’t understand why the doctors couldn’t do anything to save him

9.      I don’t understand why it takes something this hard for me to turn my face back to the Lord

10.  I don’t understand why I have had to be flat on my face to realize nothing matters but God

11.  I don’t understand why God would choose to love me

12.  I am amazed at what God choose to give up to save the sinners of this world

13.  I am amazed at the love God has bestowed on us

14.  God promises He works all things for His glory, and I believe him

15.  God continues to fill me with the hope I ask for to get through each day

In working with high school students, drama inevitably enters our conversations on a weekly, if not daily basis. You can probably ask any of our students at any given time and they can tell you I’ve told them the “storm story” before. Now is a time that I am telling myself the “storm story”. With storms generally comes great rain, thunder, lightening, hail, wind, and possibly tragic occurrences during the storm (i.e. Katrina, April’s Fury, etc). Storms may last a matter of minutes, hours, or sometimes even days, but our HOPE has to rest in the promise and faith of knowing that after every storm the sun will shine, may take weeks, but it will shine. In explaining this to teenagers, we talk about the drama in life that causes it to seem as if, which at the time truly feels, the world is ending, whether it be a gossip rumor, breakup, or bad hair day, the reason doesn’t matter….it is that person’s storm. While in the storm we have a choice, we have a choice to sulk or we can keep our eyes focused on the hope of seeing the sunlight break through. Right now, in my storm, in my rain, I choose to sing. I choose to sing to our King because my heart is hurting, but my HOPE is in the Lord and the sun will shine!