Like a Dolphin

I have a feeling that I am going to jump around a lot today. Its just one of those "ball of yarn" kind of days.

A few blogs ago I mentioned Anna Grace...let me clarify...we do not yet have one specific child that we have been matched with. But Jim and I have decided that we will name our daughter Anna Grace. For us, she is real and it is a privilege to pray for her by name. Its not just praying for something abstract but praying specifically for Anna Grace, by name, acknowledges that she is a precious child of God. While talking about adoption...we've had a couple of setbacks with our agency, redoing some paperwork, but the great news in this is that the God who was with us the first time we filled out this paperwork is the exact same God that is with us while we fill it out for a second time AND that is the same God who has perfect timing!

I started writing in the midst of heartache after we lost Harrison. For me, writing has been a way I can put my heart, my feelings, my emotions in words. I guess a "healthy outlet" for me. My family became very concerned when I seemed to be internalizing everything and withdrawing from society after we lost our sweet boy. Writing for me was a way I could communicate to them that my heart was strong, my heart was standing on the solid rock, but my flesh was weak and hurting. God really truly has done amazing things in my heart, life, and relationships over the past couple of months. When God reveals something to me, teaches me something, or humbles me at his feet I am overwhelmed with  his holy presence and cannot help but share it. With all that said...I want you to know that my words on this blog are things I share that the Lord has revealed to me, that the Lord is changing in me, and that the Lord needs to change in me. It was very difficult for me to make the choice and take the step to make my words public. My greatest desire for "putting it out there" is that others may see the works of God, the things he has done, the things he has carried me through, his great plan, the way my life could not go on without him, and that he may receive all the glory for that!

We have a new to us, older vehicle, and definitely has a mind of its own. The radio works when it wants to. But today I think it woke up on the right side of the bed because it worked great :) On the way home from the gym I heard a song that I have heard many times before but today my heart cried out. I thought of specific people in my life for every verse. My heart broke for these people. Please take a minute to watch the video and listen to the song. We need to be praying for our friends, neighbors, co-workers, and for our family. I read a quote once that said "What if you woke up today and the only people left on earth with you were the ones you prayed for yesterday." WOW! Who would be with you? Your parents? Your kids? Your spouse? Your friends? Your co-workers? Your pastor? Your enemies? Your future spouse? Your future kids? Or would you be standing alone? Would I be standing alone? Sometimes we know what people are going through...depression, lonliness, anger, regret, doubt, low self esteem, looking for self worth, trying to provide for a family, wondering if they will be single forever, knowing they are on the "wrong path", addiction, pride, etc. But often times we have no clue what people are going through, what we, ourselves, are going through. I believe with all my heart that God gave us brothers and sisters in Christ for many reasons. One of those reasons is to encourage each other and pray for each other. Sometimes, though, I think we get wrapped up thinking "well I need to share this verse with them" or "I need to help convict them" or "I need to call them out" and there are times for all those things, but how often do we just step back and sincerely pray for them, put ourselves aside and let the holy spirit lead?

The song talks about people searching, crying out for a purpose, a reason...wondering if they are "worth it". I am sitting here in my stinky gym clothes telling you that for me, for my life, if it was not for God's grace, I do not know where I would be. If it were not for God's grace I would have no purpose. I held in my arms one of the most beautiful miracles of life, a baby. But that baby never took a single breath in my arms. My husband and I had to plan burial arrangements for our child. How in the world could I move past that? What was my purpose? Evidently I could not save my child. Evidently I could not protect my child from death. Was I fit to be a mother? What had I done wrong? What was my purpose now? God's sweet sweet grace opened my heart and eyes to see that my flesh did not have the strength to get out of bed, to open my eyes, much less to take the next step in life. And he simultaneously showed me that His grace gave me the strength to get out of bed, open my eyes, and take the next step in life. God opened my heart to see that I deserve nothing, I deserve no breath, no life, no spouse, no children, no job, no joy. But it is by his GREAT GREAT GREAT grace that he has chosen to give me a life. It is a gift, a blessing! So...it is in God's grace that I find my purpose...my purpose to give him all the glory, for none of these are things I could have, do, or get through alone. Praise be to God!

A while back I saw a trailer for a movie that I knew I wanted to see, I think I even quoted part of the trailer in a previous post. Anyway, I rented it last week with the boys Dolphin Tale. GREAT movie, rent it if you haven't seen it. The overall premise is about a dolphin with a broken tail. The dolphin's journey had a very interesting parallel to how I have felt over the past few months. He got hurt and everyone thought he was going to die. He had several key people in his life that stayed with him 24/7 to make sure he was ok. They tried feeding him, talking to him, consoling him. The dolphin did not respond much. They tried fixing the problem by giving him a new tail, it hurt him, it made him mad. The dolphin just needed time to figure it out on his own. One of my favorite quotes "Just because I'm hurt doesn't mean I'm broken". I am coming to realize that I will be hurt for a long time, probably indefinitely, but my family, my friends, that doesn't mean I am broken. That doesn't mean that I cannot experience other joys in life.In the movie, there were bigger plans ahead for the Dolphin than they realized. And I believe God has bigger plans ahead in our Powell Pod!

What's one more storm?

I sat down to write this post several times over the last 2 weeks and never could bring myself to actually do it. Maybe it was fear of facing the truth, fear that people would judge me, or fear that I would feel, yet again, heartache. One of the many times I sat down to write, I thought about how I would begin the post. Maybe "If you think you may be tempted to judge me or talk about me behind my back, please stop here and read the next blog you are following " or "this is something I never thought I would have to write about" or "my heart was broken yet again today". But over the last 2 weeks of me not writing the Lord has opened my eyes to see that it is not other peoples words or actions that are mine to be concerned with. If I allow myself to worry about those things then I am allowing myself to be in bondage to Satan's desires. I don't want that! So, I'll begin with this...

I have come to learn that vulnerability, not only with others, but truly with myself as well is necessary if I have any desire to live my life with all glory given to God. There is no possible way that I can share with others the great grace and mercy that God has poured on me unless I am completely vulnerable about my heart. That is hard.

Thursday, February 9, 2012 was Harrison's due date. This was a date that I started dreaming about 8 months ago. A day that I would in-vision in my mind. The dreams and visions I had looked absolutely nothing like my day actually was on February 9th. I dreamed of smiles, happiness, and tears of joy. I did not dream of sadness, hurt, and tears of heartache. As I went to bed on February 8th, I wondered what my next day would hold. I woke up and immediately thanked the Lord for the day he had given me and the breath of life he breathes into me. I so badly wanted that day to be a good day. I found myself very quiet and I felt myself attempting to distance myself from feelings that I started to feel overwhelming me. So I decided to go work out. Cardio workouts have always been very emotional for me. I have no clue how to explain that other than I feel like I'm running and the music is encouraging me to go harder and faster. Through my sweat and tears I had a really good workout. I busied myself with the boys and everyday laundry and cleaning, still feeling removed. At one point in the day, someone very dear to me asked me "whats wrong with you...you seem depressed or something, whats going on?" And my heart got hurt so badly in that moment, was I the only one who remembered what this day was? Did nobody else remember Harrison? And almost immediately God's sweet arms wrapped me in his warm embrace. God allows me to remember our Harrison and even still feel the pain because he is continually using Harrison to grow and stretch me to be who HE wants me to be. Although there is a part of this Mama that never wants anyone to forget Harrison, I realize that this experience was so different for me than how it affected or did not affect others and that is up to God, not me. I am so very thankful that Harrison's first breath taken was in the presence of our Lord and that he never experienced any pain or heartache. I am so thankful that the Lord protected him from those things and that we were able to have the time with him that we did. Thank you sweet Lord for keeping my heart close to yours and continually using the heartache and loss of Harrison to constantly remind me of your love, grace, and mercy. I pray Lord that when I look back on this experience, I will see your footprints. And I pray Lord that you may always receive all Glory!

Jim and I just got home from spending a week in Vegas! I had a TRIO conference and Jim had clients to visit out there so we were gone for a week. We were both busy working during the day but enjoyed our nights touring Vegas, eating great food, and seeing some spectacular shows. Although I was excited about the conference and seeing Vegas, I had a really hard time leaving the boys and flying. The last time we flew was, for me, the beginning of losing Harrison. So stepping foot on another plane was the last thing I wanted to do. I was afraid of reliving all my previous feelings. And with us flying only 2 days after Harrison's due date I was beginning to feel overwhelmed and fearful of losing control of my emotions on the plane. I also had a very hard time leaving the boys. What if something happened to me while I was gone, what if our plane crashed, what if something happened to them and I couldn't get home, what if they miss us, what if they cry while we are gone. My heart and mind were quickly flooded with heartache, fear, doubt, and anxiety before we even stepped foot on the plane. Satan was getting pretty happy at this point thinking he was going to win this battle. Satan loves fear, doubt, worry, and anxiety. Which is a funny statement to say that he loves something since Satan does not love "love" and is not "loving". Anyway...you see where I was. One of my love languages, which I learned from reading The Five Love Languages, great book, is gifts. So I decided that if I could not be with the boys every day and physically love on them, I could leave a gift for them every day and love on them through gifts. So...they had a gift to open each day we were gone. Mama said they LOVED it! And even though I wasn't with them, I felt a little closer to them.

So...I was excited about the gifts that the boys had to open, but still not thrilled about flying and being away from them. As our departure time approached, I sense of thankfulness overwhelmed me for our Lord. He gave me the discernment to see that the feelings of doubt, anxiety, and fear that I was having were from Satan, not Him. Our God is a God of love, peace, hope, and joy and for that I am so very very thankful! I decided right then and there that Satan was NOT going to win this battle! I decided that I would spend my time on the flight in prayer and reading Gods words. A dear friend of mine gave me a book to read The Strength of Mercy by Jan Beazely. FANTASTIC BOOK! While reading on the plane, I came to a point where a letter is written to the birthmother of the child who is being adopted. After reading the letter I began to pray for Anna Grace and her birth mother  

Sweet Jesus, I come to your feet in great thanksgiving. Thank you Lord for who you are and the price you have paid so that we may have life on this Earth. Lord we will never be able to fully repay you for the life you gave Lord, but I pray that every action, breath, and step I take may be in your willingness for my life 

Almost immediately after I started praying the plane turbulence started. I continued to pray for Anna grace and her birth mother.

and that you may receive all Glory! Lord you have given Jim and myself a great blessing of journeying to find your child, Anna Grace to bring into our home to love, care for, and raise in your likeness. I pray that you guide our every step. Lord I pray your great protection over Anna Grace and her birthmother. 

The turbulence got worse...and worse. Fear started to creep into my heart and mind as my heart raced when my body would come off the seat as the plane was jolted in every direction, even down at times. The Lord filled my heart with a song "I will praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands". So in this physical storm, I refused to give in to Satan's attempts to fear me...I continued to pray...

Lord we know not if she is living with her mother, in an orphanage, or even conceived yet, but you know exactly where they are Lord. You know their very location. I pray that you hold them in the very same arms that you hold me. I pray you send your angels to create a hedge of protection and love around them. Guard and keep them from destruction, illness, pain, and sorrow. I pray that you fill Gracie's birthmother with a peace in choosing to give her up for adoption. May that very peace fill hear heart come from you. Fill any emptiness she has in this decision with your love, hope, and joy. As we pray for Anna Grace to be safe and healthy Lord, above all else we pray for your divine will and all for your great glory! Amen.

As I was praying and turbulence hit, I very clearly heard the Lord say "Satan is not happy about this journey of obedience you and Jim are on. He wants you to doubt me, He wants you to believe I am not there. He is not happy. He now wants you to face another of your greatest fears, thats why there is turbulence. Kelly I will protect you, I will keep you safe. Keep your eyes on me." I cannot tell you how afraid and fearful I wanted to be, but when we are face to face with one of our greatest fears whether it be a plane crashing, a broken marriage, losing a child, losing a job, or being on a boat in a storm like the disciples...we have a choice. We can turn to Satan and think that falling into our sin we will be protected from our fears or we can keep our eyes on Jesus.

We are home now, and most definitely back to reality...groceries to be bought, laundry to be done, and a child with pink eye in both eyes. BUT so thankful that God delivered us through our "storm". We had the pest control guy come out today, he wanted to do a free termite inspection. Long story short...he found moisture under our house and needs to do a few things that will total a $ amount with more zeroes than we'd prefer. I almost started laughing at him when he told us. Not because its a funny matter, because it certainly is not, but because I had expected this. We are scheduled to make several payments this week to Lifeline and Congo. I'm so excited our first payment to Congo is this week :) So...I find it humorous because Satan thinks that throwing in a some pricey "moisture" damage will stop this journey. He is wrong. How do you think the pest control guy would have taken it if I looked at him and said "Sorry Satan, you're still not winning this one". Guess its a good thing I just laughed to myself  instead.

 

I will not be moved

While on the long journey of adoption, there are so many things that can come up and cause a bump in the road or even opportunities to veer off the path and close the book. Jim and I have been very open with our family and friends about the whole thing. We have encouraged the questions. It does not hurt our feelings for you to ask questions, doubt, wonder, or even talk about us behind our back. Last night while on the phone with a very very precious person in my life I said "I want you to know that you can be completely vulnerable with us. You can ask those questions that you even shudder to think ran through your head. You can ask those questions you are embarrassed to ask or fearful of our response. Ask!" It was 6 years ago that Jim and I had our very first conversation about adoption. And here we are 6 years later beginning the journey. I would be completely insane to expect our family and friends to be 100% on board with us 1 month into hearing about it. I will give you a 6 year minimum to get where we are...thats the least I can do. So dont be afraid to ask, dont be afraid to wonder, dont be afraid to question us. The one thing that hurts so very deeply is not when you question or doubt or even talk about me, its when you doubt God. Often times you hear people say that faith is blind or faith is believing what you cannot see. I believe that faith is believing God while you can see. I believe that faith is delivering and holding your stillborn son and knowing that God is by your side and carrying you through. I believe that looking into the yuck of our world and still believing God has a greater plan and that he will receive glory is faith. So then, how can I not have faith that God will be with us every step of the way. Yes I will stumble, I will make mistakes, and I will surely face heartache. BUT I will not be moved from God's ever-present embrace. I told this very precious person last night that I would never wish upon anyone to lose a child, but I would hope and pray for everyone to come to a place where they cant help but run to God's arms and trust him wholeheartedly. That is what I pray for my family and my friends. That is what I pray for the Congolese Community. That is what I pray for you!

So where are we in this process...let me take a minute to catch you up

1-1-12    Application and Doctrinal Documents Sent and Application payment made

1-3-12    Doctrinal Documents re-sent

1-4-12    Congo chosen

1-5-12    Received the Congo manual and heard from our case worker, Maegan

1-6-12    Policies signed and turned in and 1^st Agency payment made

1-11-12  Orientation conference call

1-11-12  Copies of items for home study

1-13-12  1^st Home Study Visit, fingerprints taken, application, dhr forms and fingerprints sent to SBCN (Security Biometrics Clearing Network)

1-20-12  Fingerprints received by SBCN, First discussion on selling the car

1-21-12  Registered for Hague Intercountry Adoption Online training, registered for International Adoption Clinic seminar, and bought The Connected Child

1-23-12  Individual Home Study Interviews in Huntsville

1-25-12  Fingerprints waiting adjudication

1-27-12  Registered for UAB’s online International Adoption Seminar, Kelly completed Hague Training

1-31-12  Heard from our Lifeline worker that will be working with us through Congo

The next step is our final home study visit which is scheduled for mid-February.  

Right now we are completing our education and training. There are 2 online trainings that we have to complete and a book to read. They are very informational. They share the good, the bad, and the ugly. Lots of facts, statistics, and information. One of my favorite parts is watching videos of actual forever families and hearing them discuss their journey because it's real to them and it will be our reality.

Jim asked me last night if the conversation I had last night was good. My answer is yes! Did this precious person respond with 100% jubilation about our journey, no. But I was about to share my heart, share what God's done in my life, and give God all credit for what he has done...so for that reason...YES it was a great conversation!

I refuse.....

I refuse to claim ignorance any longer...let me back up for a minute and explain to you where I'm coming from. On August 25th, 2011 we unexpectedly delivered our third son, Harrison...stillborn. If you do not know the whole story and would like to read about that journey in our life, you can click HERE to read from the beginning. It was most definitely the hardest challenge we have faced in our life thus far. It was also most definitely a time in my life that I could never get through without Gods grace and love. And I joyfully tell you that it was most definitely a time in my life when I felt the closest to God and Jim than I ever have. And for those things, I can tell you now that I am thankful! So now back to ignorance. I would truly be ignorant to reflect back on my life and not be in shambles before God's feet offering him everything, my life, my family, my all. God is the one and only way we survived losing our son. So why would we not give him our all? Are we truly that ignorant as a body of believers? As believers are we living ignorantly? I do not want to live that way anymore. I do not want to live anymore not acknowledging all that God has done and given up for us. He gave up his Son so that we may have life. He gave up his Son so that our sins would be forgiven. If you can read those words and it doesnt change your life then I think there are bigger concerns in your life. Where is your faith? What is it based on? What is "your" Christianity made of? Are you a Christian? When you truly get to a point of grasping what it means that God sent his ONE AND ONLY Son to lay down his life for us...you will be changed. You cannot help but be changed, unless that is you are ignorant. God tells us that we are not to be OF this world but IN IT "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2. We are to be IN the world because he sent us here for his purpose and plan. "Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us." 1 Peter 2:12 We are to live our lives so that others can see God through our lives. We play no role in this thing called life. It is not about us, period, end of story. It is all about God. And if we are living lives that are about us then we are living self-righteously, therefore not in the will of God. So...if we drive cars, wear clothes, buy houses, plan parties, gossip continuously, take charge, lead groups, or do anything so people will look at us and think "oh they are so talented", "I wish I was like her/him", "they are lucky", "how fortunate they are", or so that we will fit in, then we are living in sin and we are living for the wrong reasons and we are living OF and this world. That is NOT what God has called Christians to do. I will be the first person to tell you that I am guilty. I am guilty of living like this in the past, I have wanted people to think those things in their heads or even tell me those things. I pray that God will have grace on me and forgive me of those times. I pray that as my weak grows flesh at any point in the future that His grace will still flow over me and forgive me again and again. But I'm tired of that. I dont want to be just like everyone else in this world. I want people to know why I am where I am today. I want people to know that it is truly by Gods loving grace and mercy that I am where I am. As a human I am incapapable of being where I am. As a human I have failed all my friends and family and I will again.
^"15 Then He said to them, “Beware, and be on your guard against every form of greed; for not even when one has an abundance does his life consist of his possessions.” ¹⁶ And He told them a parable, saying, “The land of a rich man was very productive. ¹⁷ And he began reasoning to himself, saying, ‘What shall I do, since I have no place to store my crops?’ ¹⁸ Then he said, ‘This is what I will do: I will tear down my barns and build larger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. ¹⁹ And I will say to my soul, “Soul, you have many goods laid up for many years to come; take your ease, eat, drink and be merry.”’ ²⁰ But God said to him, ‘You fool! This very night ^[a]your soul is required of you; and now who will own what you have prepared?’ ²¹ So is the man who stores up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God.”
 ²² And He said to His disciples, “For this reason I say to you, ^[b]do not worry about your ^[c]life, as to what you will eat; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. ²³ For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. ²⁴ Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds! ²⁵ And which of you by worrying can add a single ^[d]hour to his ^[e]life’s span? ²⁶ If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters? ²⁷ Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. ²⁸ But if God so clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you? You men of little faith! ²⁹ And do not seek what you will eat and what you will drink, and do not keep worrying. ³⁰ For ^[f]all these things the nations of the world eagerly seek; but your Father knows that you need these things. ³¹ But seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to you. ³² Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom." Luke 12:15-32

So to answer the question...why adopt? I have only one way to answer. When I look at my life and what God has done for us, what God has gotten us through, and how God has blessed us, how can I not choose to give my whole life back to Him? How can I not choose to give him glory in every aspect, every step we take. And if God says...take this journey of adoption, go to Congo then my answer is "Yes. Yes Lord we will follow you and God may you receive the glory every step of the way, here is our life Lord it is yours".  I challenge you friend, wherever you are in life, surrender to our Lord. Your life will look different when you surrender. Your marriage will look different when you surrender. Your friendships will look different.  Your priorities will look different. One of the greatest blessings God has given me is a husband who loves the Lord. While Jim and I were dating in Auburn, Jim worked for Foy Student Union. Sometimes he worked the call desk overnight and would send me long emails at odd hours of the night. In one of these emails he said "my desire is for you to love the Lord more than you ever love me" and at that point I knew I wanted to marry him. Jim has challenged me in my faith and walk with Christ. He challenges me to not only read God's word but LIVE God's word. I am so thankful for a spouse like this. I can only pray that I challenge him in the same way. Maybe you have a spouse like this already, but maybe you dont. If you do, I pray that you continually challenge each other and thank the Lord for blessing you so. If you dont, I pray that you will challenge yourself and pray for your spouse and thank the Lord for giving you a spouse to pray for. And if youre not married, I pray that you will be praying for your future spouse wherever they are and thank the Lord that he is giving you this opportunity to pray for them before you even meet them. Prayer is so powerful friends and I hope you know what a privilege and honor it is that we have to even be able to pray!

On this Journey of Radical Faith

Monday, January 2, 2012

Radical Faith

We have been doing a faith study in our Sunday school class for several months now. Throughout the study, Jim and I have talked about what real faith looks like. We share a mutual desire to live radically on faith alone. But how does that happen? Are we suppose to quit our jobs, sell all our assets and walk the streets telling people about Jesus? I don’t know why we are ever surprised when we pray for God to open our eyes and he actually does. As the topic of adoption came up more and more in our conversation, the questions and doubt started to lure. How much is this going to cost? What if the boys don’t transition well? What if we have to wait 4 years? Are we capable of taking on a special needs child? What if the child we adopt passes away? What if the birth mother wants her child back? We prayed that God would give us an opportunity to live radically by faith alone…and he delivered. We submitted our application, doctrinal statement, and first payment last night at 4:52 pm to Lifeline. As we started researching where to start and what the first steps were, Lifeline was the only agency that continued popping into our minds. Perhaps it was because a friend of ours worked for them some time ago, or perhaps God is asking us to radically trust His plan. Since then, I messaged a dear friend to ask if I could use her as a reference, mentioning nothing about adoption. She inquired if it was about adoption because she had some friends she could reference me to. Long story short…her friends had just switched agencies…to Lifeline. As I’ve spent time looking at pictures on their website I have found that a close friend of Jim’s once dated a girl who works there now, and a lifelong friend of mine’s father is affiliated with their organization.  While Jim and I were in college, we attended the same church and the guy who led the praise band and his wife have been in the process of adopting, but I did not know with who….its Lifeline. Thank you Lord for giving us faith and giving us assurance over and over of your great plan! We don’t know what 2012 holds. We don’t know how the whole process works. But we do know we want to have radical faith and that our hope comes from Christ alone. To God be ALL glory!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

To my great surprise, we have already heard back from Lifeline. I had an email this morning from a delightful lady. Her words were so kind and encouraging. Unfortuantley, Satan is already schemeing. I’ve got news for him, not gonna work. The documents we submitted yesterday were not all able to be opened so she suggested I either scan and email them in or fax them. When I attempted to open the documents I had saved, some information was missing. Just a minor hiccup, nothing major or intimidating.

After applying, we had to designate whether we chose to pursue Domestic or International adoption. Jim and I have truly felt called to care for the kids who are uncared for…leaving us open to whoever needed the most help. After talking with one of Lifelines workers she explained to me that there are great needs in both areas..but there are parents waiting to adopt in the US where there are children waiting to be adopted in other countries. So, we chose International. The next step was choosing a country. Lifeline works with 13 countries that we had to choose from. How to choose…wow…what a task. You’re basically asking us to look at 13 countries, thousands among thousands of orphans, just a little overwhelmed. All my life I’ve wanted a little black baby, something I’ve told my parents for years. While pursuing my Elementary Education degree at Auburn I had the chance to study abroad in Port Elizabeth, Africa. I wanted to go, to make a long story short and spare feelings, I was unable to go. However, my desire and passion for Africa did not dwindle. I used Africa as one of my senior projects and incorporated African history into my lessons. Graduation was drawing near and everyone was scurrying around applying for jobs. During my Junior year I had the privilege of traveling to Brazil for a mission trip. While there, we worked with a NICS school (Network of International Christian Schools). These schools teach children of the embassy and can be found world-wide. So…my senior year, I applied to teach with NICS in Africa. I waited and waited and never heard back. In the meantime I had other interviews and even job offers. My heart continued to burn for Africa and I prayed that God’s divine will would be done and that he would give me discernment in knowing whether to turn down the job offers on the table and continue to wait or accept them. I waited until the last day of the offer and accepted a position in Auburn City Schools. The VERY NEXT DAY I received a call from NICS with a job offer. I was overwhelmed with greatfulness for the Lords promise and deliverance of timing. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was not time for me to teach in Africa. However, by being given the offer God said “Don’t close your heart to Africa….but its just not time now”. Desiring to be a Woman of my word I continued with the contract I had signed with Auburn, still feeling as if a little part of my heart was in Africa. We narrowed it down to three countries, wrote it on a sheet of paper and put it in front of the boys. We asked them where their brother or sister was and they both pointed to the Congo. So tomorrow we pursue international adoption with Congo.

Sweet Jesus, we thank you for your provision, guidance, and discernment. Thank you Lord for giving us direction and peace. We pray now Lord for our baby’s mother. Lord, keep her safe and protected. Guide her in her daily steps and guard her from harm and destruction. Sweet Jesus, I pray that you hold her in your warm embrace Lord and draw her near to you, Father I pray that through her pregnancy she feels a closeness to you like never before. If she does not know you personally, Father I pray that you tug on her heart and bring her to your kingdom. Bring her to know a freedom greater than any other. Thank you Lord for this gift, for this blessing. May all glory be to you Lord. Amen.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Who is your chosen one?

How do you make choices? How do you come to a conclusion? Decisions to be made. Some flip a coin, some use a “flip a coin” app. Some use a spinner. Some draw out of a hat. Some make a pro/con list. What do you do? How do you decide? Does it just happen? Do you just always know the answer instinctively? Do you consult your best friend? Your mom? How about your spouse? What if we lived in a world where everyone let their best friend make all the decisions for their life? Where would you be today? Where would I be today? Perhaps a better place…perhaps not as well off. Perhaps married to someone else. Who would you say knows the absolute most about you? God. He knows your ins and outs. He knows your talents, skills, and gifts. He knows your secrets, fears, and sins. He knows how many hairs are on your head and wrinkles in your skin. He knit you together in your mother’s womb. He knows you by name. So then, let me ask you…why would we take advice from anyone but Him? Why would we let others change our minds, change our path, or alter our direction?

^“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

        

Choosing a Gift

Although I still possess many OCD tendencies, I have found myself forced into MOB Survival Mode many times. If its not leaking, overflowing, bleeding, or at risk of death we will fix, mend, clean, or deal with it later. For those of you who don't know what MOB Survival Mode is...let me take a minute to try and explain. It's Mother of Boys Survival Mode. And the key here is the (s) in Boys...multiple boys. When my mother in law found out Logan was a boy she said "It wont be long before you are amazed how quickly two boys can tear down a deck, make plans, and build a fort out of the wood all in the time you take the laundry out of the dryer". Of course I laughed...and I'm still laughing. We haven't had any forts built yet, but we have had 7 sticks of butter exfoliate our carpet and an extra large custom black sharpie mural. I am very thankful for the OCD moments God still allows me to have, but there are things that just don't get done when your in MOB mode. One thing that did not get done for us this year is Christmas cards. If you know me personally you know how big of a deal Christmas cards are to me. I cherish the ones I receive in the mail. I keep them year to year in a flip book so we can enjoy them over the years. I plan months ahead what we will do for our Christmas card pictures, where they will be, when they will be, what we will wear, what the card will say, etc. But alas, they did not get done this year. However, we did have a joyful Christmas. We thoroughly enjoyed all the time Jim was home with us and all the family we got to see. We have thanked our sweet Lord over and over and will continue to thank him for sparing us from the stomach bug this season. The last 4 Christmases we have had the bug so to be able to love on each other celebrating our Lords birth germ-free was a true delight and blessing for our family.

I read on a blog....and I really wish I could remember where so I could give credit so if you know what I'm referencing please leave a comment so I can give appropriate credit. Anyway, I read on a blog where a family was preparing for their Happy Birthday Jesus party when the child looked at her mother and said "Mommy, since it's Jesus' birthday, what are we giving him?" WOW! Once again....the blessing that children are to adults, to have minds like a child. So long story short, the parents got catalogs for various organizations and foundations such as Compassion International. At Christmas time they put out catalogs full of items you can purchase for missionaries, missions, etc. So, now this family sits together and shops through catalogs to see what they are giving Jesus for his birthday....100 mosquito nets, a pallet of food, eye glasses, clean running water. How wonderful! Reading that blog stirred my heart and I think its a great idea. Jim and I plan to incorporate the same "catalog shopping" into our celebration next year. But what about now? What can I give Jesus every day?

A while back, our Sunday School class studied The Five Love Languages which is a fabulous book by the way! (We plan to study it again in our class soon since we have so many new people since we last studied it) Jim and I learned a lot from this book, but one thing that sticks out the most to me still relates to when you give gifts. Gary Chapman suggests that you give people gifts through their love language, what they would desire rather than what you want to give them or what you think they need. This has always been a funny topic in our marriage. Jim is a very practical individual and me, not so much. Jim gives very practical gifts. I like to give sentimental or fun gifts. So......the year I opened 13 bottles of my favorite lotion and 60 of my razor blades for Christmas, I knew it was time for us to read the book! So...if we give based on Gary's suggestion...what would we give Jesus? Are we currently giving him what we think he needs? What we think he wants us to do? What we think he wants us to say? Or are we giving him what he wants? Are we saying what he wants us to say? Are we acting and responding as he desires us to do? Are we on the journey we desire for ourselves or the journey God has created for us?

Sweet Lord as we enter this new year...may my heart, soul, and all my being live to honor you and give you all glory. May your desires for my life become the desires of my heart. Lord I long to take this journey with you, where you lead me I will follow. Amen.

No Mistakes

It's interesting to look back over the past 2+ months and reflect on the various ways that I can now see I was trying to "get through the day". I so badly didn't want to hurt or cry anymore, but at the same time I did not want to forget. I immersed myself in new recipes, projects, playing with the boys more, changing my work schedule etc. etc. And at some point I even quit blogging. For whatever reason, I felt these changes might change other circumstances. I thought that if I could change things from how they were to something new it would be different. Somehow I thought they may change what happened. I think I subconsciously had that thought in the back of my mind because it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it doesn't work that way. 

Everybody has moved on. Friends and family aren't tip-toeing around me anymore. The doctor isn't calling me every week to check in. I don't have any more doctor appointments coming up. So it's at this point that I wonder, "Why Lord not me? Why can't I go a single day without thinking about my angel? Why is it still vivid? Why does my heart still break at times? Have I not learned what you wanted to show me? Is the lesson not over?" But that's where I am wrong. Our God is not a past tense God, he is a present tense God. Continually and consistently living, loving, and teaching. So perhaps loosing Harrison is something God will continually and consistently use to teach me and grow me, in that I hope.

I have searched and searched for a specific reason why God allowed this to happen in our lives. I was convinced that I would check the mail and have a handwritten letter from God, postmarked Heaven where He laid out the details for me. I had even decided I would settle for a verse or a song, maybe a burning bush, or squirrel that talked to me. I've searched scripture, I've listened to songs, I've been on my knees, time and time again. I have yet to find the answer I was seeking, but I have learned time and time again that God deserves all glory all the time. It has been so real to me realizing that each of us who were sent into this world have a life story written by our Savior. There is no room for editing. It is what it is....and it is God's great plan, it needs no editing. I have one choice, and that choice is to man-up and live this life, custom written for me, giving God glory in all aspects, stages, situations, and moments. It is by God's great grace and mercy that He even gave me the privilege of being of being one of his disciples in this world...what an honor. How can I not give him the glory?

This Mama still wishes God could have worked his plan a different way, but I know my God makes no mistakes. To God be ALL glory!

The Author of my Life

If we know who God is, we believe the Bible is God-breathed, we believe all God's promises to be true, we believe God is who he says he is, we believe what God says he can do, we believe that God's love is eternal and everlasting, and we believe that God has a divine plan and will for our life, why do we stray? Why do we long for something more? Why do we question? Why do we fail? Why do we wonder? Why do we hurt? What is it about God that isn't enough for us? If we truly believe all of these things, would we not always be at His feet overwhelmed with humble tears giving him praise and thanksgiving? We live in a fallen, sinful world, yes. We live in a world where Satan lurks, preys, and brutally attacks, yes. But if we believe all of these things above to be true about our God and we believe that God has selected us to be in his kingdom, then a+b means that we belong to God. Therefore, we do not belong to Satan, so he can lurk, prey, and attack, but little does he know....he can never have us. So.....my question again....why are we not always at His feet overwhelmed with humble tears giving him praise and thanksgiving? Why am I not always at His feet overwhelmed with humble tears giving him praise and thanksgiving? What is it that keeps us from drawing nearer to God? Pride? Time? Kids? Job? Family? Embarrassment? Priorities?

In April, our lives got a little busier than we were accustomed to. Jim started traveling more, April's Fury tornadoes came through and left us without power for a week, meanwhile the stomach bug hit our house for 14 days straight, it was crunch time at work with our seniors as graduation was quickly approaching, amongst other things that I will not go into. It was at a time in my life where I felt I might quite possibly pull all of my hair out. Everything was out of my control. One night, while laying on the bathroom floor covered in towels, waiting for Parker's next "round" to hit, I knew I had hit my limit and I could not handle this life on my own anymore.  I prayed that the Lord would fill my heart with His strength to conquer the coming hours and days as I knew this "bug" was not near over. I knew that I was not, in my life, where God would desire me to be. We were busy going here and there and things had just gotten 'hectic', for lack of a better word. That night, on the cold, germy,  bathroom floor I asked God to transform my life. I prayed, "Lord draw me nearer and nearer to you. Transform my life into whatever you have desired for it to be. Change me, mold me, shape me. Lord, at whatever cost, please Lord, live in me and use me as your light. Change me to be whoever you want me to be." Sure enough, within 36 hours I was laying on the cold, germy, bathroom floor again, all by myself this time. Odds were pretty good that considering the bug scenario I was sure to get it. However, I like to look back and think that I didnt have the bug everyone else had, but rather God was expelling all the nasties in my life so He could begin His good!

Almost exactly to the date 4 months after the tornadoes came through and we were sick, we lost Harrison. If you have read my previous posts, you know this time has been a synonymous mixture of heartache and hope for me. The Lord has been very real in my life, in our lives and we are forever grateful for that! God has answered many prayers and continues to fill us with his promise of hope for a better 'tomorrow'. With all that being said, to answer my previous question: What is it that keeps us from drawing nearer to God? Here goes my vulnerability...my answer is fear. My fear is that God might use another tragedy in my life to draw me nearer to Him. Selfishly, I do not want to encounter tragedy, heartache, and/or loss again. Why can I not just be where God wants me to be and not have to suffer in that way. WOW....how selfish is that thinking? I'm pretty sure that our Lord would much rather have saved his Son than have to crucify him to show us His love...YES SIR....that will put you back in your place. One of the many many good things here, is that I do not have to decide. God has written the perfect life for me even before I was in my mother's womb. He knows every detail, and I need not worry about tomorrow; for the master creator is in control.

Thank you Sweet Jesus for writing my life story. I pray God that I will wake each day with a desire to be fully used for your kingdom however you wish. Thank you Lord for knowing what I need and when I need it, even when I have no words to know what I need.  I pray Father that you will receive all the glory day in and day out. Amen.