What's one more storm?

I sat down to write this post several times over the last 2 weeks and never could bring myself to actually do it. Maybe it was fear of facing the truth, fear that people would judge me, or fear that I would feel, yet again, heartache. One of the many times I sat down to write, I thought about how I would begin the post. Maybe "If you think you may be tempted to judge me or talk about me behind my back, please stop here and read the next blog you are following " or "this is something I never thought I would have to write about" or "my heart was broken yet again today". But over the last 2 weeks of me not writing the Lord has opened my eyes to see that it is not other peoples words or actions that are mine to be concerned with. If I allow myself to worry about those things then I am allowing myself to be in bondage to Satan's desires. I don't want that! So, I'll begin with this...

I have come to learn that vulnerability, not only with others, but truly with myself as well is necessary if I have any desire to live my life with all glory given to God. There is no possible way that I can share with others the great grace and mercy that God has poured on me unless I am completely vulnerable about my heart. That is hard.

Thursday, February 9, 2012 was Harrison's due date. This was a date that I started dreaming about 8 months ago. A day that I would in-vision in my mind. The dreams and visions I had looked absolutely nothing like my day actually was on February 9th. I dreamed of smiles, happiness, and tears of joy. I did not dream of sadness, hurt, and tears of heartache. As I went to bed on February 8th, I wondered what my next day would hold. I woke up and immediately thanked the Lord for the day he had given me and the breath of life he breathes into me. I so badly wanted that day to be a good day. I found myself very quiet and I felt myself attempting to distance myself from feelings that I started to feel overwhelming me. So I decided to go work out. Cardio workouts have always been very emotional for me. I have no clue how to explain that other than I feel like I'm running and the music is encouraging me to go harder and faster. Through my sweat and tears I had a really good workout. I busied myself with the boys and everyday laundry and cleaning, still feeling removed. At one point in the day, someone very dear to me asked me "whats wrong with you...you seem depressed or something, whats going on?" And my heart got hurt so badly in that moment, was I the only one who remembered what this day was? Did nobody else remember Harrison? And almost immediately God's sweet arms wrapped me in his warm embrace. God allows me to remember our Harrison and even still feel the pain because he is continually using Harrison to grow and stretch me to be who HE wants me to be. Although there is a part of this Mama that never wants anyone to forget Harrison, I realize that this experience was so different for me than how it affected or did not affect others and that is up to God, not me. I am so very thankful that Harrison's first breath taken was in the presence of our Lord and that he never experienced any pain or heartache. I am so thankful that the Lord protected him from those things and that we were able to have the time with him that we did. Thank you sweet Lord for keeping my heart close to yours and continually using the heartache and loss of Harrison to constantly remind me of your love, grace, and mercy. I pray Lord that when I look back on this experience, I will see your footprints. And I pray Lord that you may always receive all Glory!

Jim and I just got home from spending a week in Vegas! I had a TRIO conference and Jim had clients to visit out there so we were gone for a week. We were both busy working during the day but enjoyed our nights touring Vegas, eating great food, and seeing some spectacular shows. Although I was excited about the conference and seeing Vegas, I had a really hard time leaving the boys and flying. The last time we flew was, for me, the beginning of losing Harrison. So stepping foot on another plane was the last thing I wanted to do. I was afraid of reliving all my previous feelings. And with us flying only 2 days after Harrison's due date I was beginning to feel overwhelmed and fearful of losing control of my emotions on the plane. I also had a very hard time leaving the boys. What if something happened to me while I was gone, what if our plane crashed, what if something happened to them and I couldn't get home, what if they miss us, what if they cry while we are gone. My heart and mind were quickly flooded with heartache, fear, doubt, and anxiety before we even stepped foot on the plane. Satan was getting pretty happy at this point thinking he was going to win this battle. Satan loves fear, doubt, worry, and anxiety. Which is a funny statement to say that he loves something since Satan does not love "love" and is not "loving". Anyway...you see where I was. One of my love languages, which I learned from reading The Five Love Languages, great book, is gifts. So I decided that if I could not be with the boys every day and physically love on them, I could leave a gift for them every day and love on them through gifts. So...they had a gift to open each day we were gone. Mama said they LOVED it! And even though I wasn't with them, I felt a little closer to them.

So...I was excited about the gifts that the boys had to open, but still not thrilled about flying and being away from them. As our departure time approached, I sense of thankfulness overwhelmed me for our Lord. He gave me the discernment to see that the feelings of doubt, anxiety, and fear that I was having were from Satan, not Him. Our God is a God of love, peace, hope, and joy and for that I am so very very thankful! I decided right then and there that Satan was NOT going to win this battle! I decided that I would spend my time on the flight in prayer and reading Gods words. A dear friend of mine gave me a book to read The Strength of Mercy by Jan Beazely. FANTASTIC BOOK! While reading on the plane, I came to a point where a letter is written to the birthmother of the child who is being adopted. After reading the letter I began to pray for Anna Grace and her birth mother  

Sweet Jesus, I come to your feet in great thanksgiving. Thank you Lord for who you are and the price you have paid so that we may have life on this Earth. Lord we will never be able to fully repay you for the life you gave Lord, but I pray that every action, breath, and step I take may be in your willingness for my life 

Almost immediately after I started praying the plane turbulence started. I continued to pray for Anna grace and her birth mother.

and that you may receive all Glory! Lord you have given Jim and myself a great blessing of journeying to find your child, Anna Grace to bring into our home to love, care for, and raise in your likeness. I pray that you guide our every step. Lord I pray your great protection over Anna Grace and her birthmother. 

The turbulence got worse...and worse. Fear started to creep into my heart and mind as my heart raced when my body would come off the seat as the plane was jolted in every direction, even down at times. The Lord filled my heart with a song "I will praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands". So in this physical storm, I refused to give in to Satan's attempts to fear me...I continued to pray...

Lord we know not if she is living with her mother, in an orphanage, or even conceived yet, but you know exactly where they are Lord. You know their very location. I pray that you hold them in the very same arms that you hold me. I pray you send your angels to create a hedge of protection and love around them. Guard and keep them from destruction, illness, pain, and sorrow. I pray that you fill Gracie's birthmother with a peace in choosing to give her up for adoption. May that very peace fill hear heart come from you. Fill any emptiness she has in this decision with your love, hope, and joy. As we pray for Anna Grace to be safe and healthy Lord, above all else we pray for your divine will and all for your great glory! Amen.

As I was praying and turbulence hit, I very clearly heard the Lord say "Satan is not happy about this journey of obedience you and Jim are on. He wants you to doubt me, He wants you to believe I am not there. He is not happy. He now wants you to face another of your greatest fears, thats why there is turbulence. Kelly I will protect you, I will keep you safe. Keep your eyes on me." I cannot tell you how afraid and fearful I wanted to be, but when we are face to face with one of our greatest fears whether it be a plane crashing, a broken marriage, losing a child, losing a job, or being on a boat in a storm like the disciples...we have a choice. We can turn to Satan and think that falling into our sin we will be protected from our fears or we can keep our eyes on Jesus.

We are home now, and most definitely back to reality...groceries to be bought, laundry to be done, and a child with pink eye in both eyes. BUT so thankful that God delivered us through our "storm". We had the pest control guy come out today, he wanted to do a free termite inspection. Long story short...he found moisture under our house and needs to do a few things that will total a $ amount with more zeroes than we'd prefer. I almost started laughing at him when he told us. Not because its a funny matter, because it certainly is not, but because I had expected this. We are scheduled to make several payments this week to Lifeline and Congo. I'm so excited our first payment to Congo is this week :) So...I find it humorous because Satan thinks that throwing in a some pricey "moisture" damage will stop this journey. He is wrong. How do you think the pest control guy would have taken it if I looked at him and said "Sorry Satan, you're still not winning this one". Guess its a good thing I just laughed to myself  instead.

 

The Mess

Each time I gave it a stir, it seeped over the edge and bubbled. With only half the ingredients in the skillet so far...I had to continue. So I dalloped, spooned, poured, and mixed in the next 4 ingredients until I had a skillet full of yummy goodness overflowing and heaped high, needing to be stirred yet again.  I was given the blessing today of preparing a meal for several special people. I chose a recipe I have made in the past that was a big hit with my boys...Cheesey Enchilada Casserole . Because I was making the dish for more than I typically prepare, I doubled the recipe. I purchased twice the amount of ingredients, got out an extra baking dish, and seemed to be prepared, well almost prepared. As I started adding ingredients to the skillet, I noticed it was filling up quickly and would most likely not hold the remaining amount. As I added each ingredient, it got fuller and fuller until it was past its capacity, which I might add is an understatement. So, once I was at the point of no return, what to do? Evidently, I forgot to double the skillet size. I now have a skillet full of yummy spilling over and burning the excess on the stove. Transfer to a larger skillet? Divide it into two skillets? Or embrace the mess and keep on stirring? For some odd reason, which is not typical to my character AT ALL, I chose to embrace my mess...and WOW...what a mistake! I think the mess multiplied in a matter of seconds. I quickly changed my train of thought and dealt with the overflowing yummy mess.

I cannot help but think of the mess that we allow into our lives sometimes. Perhaps we can foresee the mess ahead, but still do not prepare ourselves fully for it. Maybe we somewhat prepare, but not to the extent we should. Or maybe we have mess in our lives that slowly seeps out, little by little, until it adds up to a huge mess. Or its possible that we have one big mess on our hands and we choose to embrace the mess and continue on, its already a mess so whats a little more mess already added to my mess? Following me or totally lost? Bear with me as I try to bear with my thoughts. Let me break it down and make it simple for you (and me) to understand Mess=Satan. I believe it is a fair statement to say that when there is mess in our lives, Satan is involved. (Sidenote: If you are one of the special people I prepared a meal for....the mess I made while preparing your dinner had nothing to do with Satan, it was simply an analogy. I assure you that your meal was prepared with love and kindness!) Back to the mess. What mess do you have in your life? When I think of mess, I think of things such as stress, schedules, worries, baggage, fears, betrayal, dishonesty, enemies, temptations, and addictions. These are all things that may seem innocent and easy to deal with in small amounts. Whats one day of a hectic schedule and no time for the kids, tomorrow will be a new day? A more than friendly text to an old flame...no big deal, they live 4 states away. The truth would have really hurt her, all I was doing was protecting her. It's just this one time, nobody is around, and nobody will ever know. One little bubble over, that seems it would be easy to clean up and deal with. Our God is so good, always standing by our side, ready to hand us a larger pot, switch us to a larger pot, or clean us of our mess. But what if we dont turn and ask him to? We now have two or three spills that have bubbled over. Now that little lie has snowballed into something your having trouble keeping up with. You now feel you need that daily fix to get by. If you dont do all the things on your list you will let others down and what would those people think of you then? You now look forward to hearing from that old flame each day. This is how the mess starts and grows and spills over before we even know it. So what are we to do? Prepare. A recipe is only as good as the prep. Your life is only as good as the prep. What am I doing to prepare for this life God has for me on this earth? There is a long list of things we can do to prepare: spend time in God's word, spend time in worship, surround ourselves with godly friends, etc. But the greatest and number one thing for best preparation is simply turning to God daily, hourly, minutely and asking his guidance and desire for your life. GOD IS the best preparation. God is the ONLY preparation for avoiding mess. 

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

"Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin." Psalm 51:2

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10

 

Do you really think we are that stupid?

I find it ironic that there is a statement I imagine Satan says quite often, that I have found myself saying recently. Whenever we fall into Satan's schemes or trickery, he smiles his devilish smile, laughing, and saying "Are they really that stupid?" Are we really that stupid to fall for his tricks and wicked ways? Funny thing...this very weekend I said the same exact thing back to him....."Satan, do you really think we are that stupid?"

Friday night, Jim and I were invited to celebrate a great accomplishment of a friend of ours. While talking with a few friends that night, I told them that it had been a really good week. I found it the first time I could honestly say that and mean it. That was an answered prayer in and of itself. The next morning, Jim was going to have the boys up while I made the grocery list, then they would swing back by and pick me up on the way to the store. While making my list, I diverged for a moment and decided to update my facebook status since I had not done so in quite some time. I updated it  to say "God is so good, yesterday, today, and always!" Within 5 minutes of clicking "post" I received a phone call from Jim, "Hey...I need you to grab an extra change of clothes for Parker and meet me in the emergency room" WHAT ? ? ? ? Long story short and a few details cut out: Parker fell, passed out, woke up disoriented, began appearing to be fine, then started throwing up. Several dollar signs and a CT scan later, they confirmed Pman had a concussion. How blessed we are that he is ok and his injury was not worse! We can handle a couple weeks of "no rough play" easily!

As we sat in the room waiting to hear the results I told Jim that I was really angry. I feel very attacked by Satan right now. And even more so, I am angry that he is using my babies to try and attack Jim and myself. How dare he mess with my boys....its really really starting to get on my nerves. Who does he think he is to assume that I am going to fall for his "tricks". I don't think so! Does he not know that the God I serve is greater than he? That the God I serve is the God of all creation? The God of all Heaven and Earth. Does he not know that the God I serve is Omnipotent and Eternal? Does he not know that I am a child of God? 

Sweet sweet Lord, Your grace and mercy is so great Father. Its a perfectly beautiful gift you have given us that we do not deserve. Thank you for the gift of life and choosing me to be one of your children. Thank you Lord for going before us and setting our path. I pray that your desires would become the desires of my heart. I fall at your feet Lord in thanks for protecting our Parker. Thank you for keeping him safe from greater harm. I pray Lord that you will guard and protect our family from Satan, his demons, and his schemes. Lord I ask that you build a hedge of protection around our house. Father guard our hearts, minds, and emotions from him and his tricks. Lord may we see life through your eyes Father and respond as you would. Guide us each day in our every step. And above all these things I request Lord, I pray that your will be done along with peace in our hearts. Amen.

Vocabulary 101

We've all heard people say "I've heard that a million times, but never thought of it that way". Well....I said that outloud, to myself, in the truck, on the way to the grocery to get banana pudding ingredients, just a short while ago. You wouldn't think my degree was education based on that last sentence, would you? Good thing is...these are my thoughts and they have a mind all of their own. 

Vocabulary Lesson

Peace: (n) In a state of nonbelligerrnce or accord; not at war; untroubled; tranquil

Pass: (v) To let go without notice, action, remark, etc.; leave unconsidered; disregard; cross

Understanding: (n) mental process of a person who comprehends; comprehension; personal interpretation

Therefore, based on the lesson above, when we hear the phrase "Peace that passes all understanding" we can also say "In an untroubled, free from war, state of mind, that crosses over without regard from any personal desire to comprehend". Do you get this? The peace that is referred to in Phillipians 4:7 is a peace from God that is so great, the peace itself overwhelms and engulfs any desire that we have to comprehend or understand a situation that our hearts and minds smoothly transition from a state of question, confusion, and doubt, to a calm, tranquil, "not at war" state. I LOVE the part of the definition that says "not at war". How often to we feel like we are in the midst of war, physically fighting with our bodies to be what we want them to be or perhaps what our world tells us it should be, mentally combating against negative thoughts towards others, our husbands, our kids, our jobs....Satan. Satan gleefully, no jovially laughs when we are at war whether it be physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. And oh my how he loves it when we are at war in more than one area. He LOVES it. And when we are at war in those areas, he thinks he is winning. But God desires peace for us. What do you desire for your family? What do you desire for your friends? Do you want their days to be filled with frustration, anger, saddness, depression, question, and doubt? Or do you want their days to be filled with "peace that passes all understanding?" What are your days filled with?

*Definitions from www.dictionary.com