At last I see the LIGHT

It never ceases to amaze me how God speaks to me. I often chuckle as I find myself thanking God for the many creative ways in which He chooses to speak to us. And being a person who thinks outside of the box myself, I truly appreciate its value! I mean a burning bush....hello people! No...I did not have a burning bush in my yard, but it was exciting for me. Earlier today the boys and I were breaking it down to some Pandora Children's Radio. Logan was running in circles and would stop for an occasional head-bang or robot move while Parker was break-dancing to Alvin and the Chipmunks. Then "I See the Light" from Tangled came on and the boys made the smoothest transition to some form of male ballet interpretive dancing. I have NO CLUE, absolutely no clue where they have learned these dance moves, but HYSTERICAL! I opted for the sideline on this song and as I watched them, the Lord spoke very clearly to me through the lyrics:  

And at last I see the light 

And its like the fog has lifted

And at last I see the light 

And its like the sky is new

And its warm and real and bright 

And the world has somehow shifted 

All at once everything looks different 

Now that I see you

I realize that Tangled is a secular movie and the lyricist was writing about two Disney characters. However...like I said, God is creative.  He brought me back to his word. Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourselves in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart." I believe that so often people read this verse, pull it out of context and claim "If I pray for it, I'll get it". And then are heartbroken when they do not make the cheerleading squad or get the job they wanted or get pregnant right away. Here's my teacher plug for Reading 101. As in reading any text, true comprehension only comes in reading the entire text. Here is an example:

Molly Ann came home from school and like always went to the fridge for a snack. She found a note on the fridge. "Molly - I have gone to your Grandmother's house. The cat is not doing well. She is dying. And your grandmother is very upset. Please pick up some dinner and meet us over here at 5:30. It will cheer up your Granny."

But what if Molly Ann got home, saw the note and just skimmed it....what if all she read was "I have gone to your Grandmother's house. She is dying" or perhaps "Molly-... the cat is not doing well. It will cheer up your Granny". I could continue with several examples, but I think you get my point by now. Molly would not get the whole story and true understanding unless she read the entire note....which is the reason her mother wrote the note the way she did, she wanted Molly to have a full understanding of what was going on. So why would God be any different? Why would he breathe his words into an entire bible if he just wanted us to pick apart several parts to read?

So let's go back to Psalm 37. When we read the entire chapter we will see that the Lord is speaking to us through David, telling us to not fret over the evil of the world. To not be jealous, envious, or fearful of those things that are of this world and will die in this world. He tells us to trust in the Lord, find our safety in His pasture and Delight ourselves in the Lord. What a great word....DELIGHT! Dictionary.com defines delight: a high degree of pleasure or enjoyment; joy. So David tells us to find our highest degree of pleasure in the Lord. And when we are finding our greatest pleasures in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our hearts. Let's go back to the song for a minute. When I find myself delighted in the Lord, this is how I feel:

And at last I see the light 

And its like the fog has lifted

And at last I see the light 

And its like the sky is new

And its warm and real and bright 

And the world has somehow shifted 

All at once everything looks different 

Now that I see you

When I delight in the Lord I feel like I can see the light...the light being Christ. The fog in my life is sin, doubt, fear, satan. And it is truly, beautifully, wonderful that when I delight in the Lord, the desires of my heart change....as if somehow the world has shifted. And the world looks different to me. I can remember times in my life when my greatest desires were to make it through my next final, make it through a job interview, hope that Jim would agree to the next project I wanted to start, and somehow that money would grow on trees. Today my greatest desire is that God will be glorified in my every action, word spoken, and thought that goes through my head. And that tomorrow I will wake up with the same desire. My desire is that come blessings, tragedy, happy, sad, my greatest desire would continue to be glorifying God through all those moments. Thank you, Jesus, for using a sappy Disney movie to speak to my heart! I pray that God will lift the fog from your life and show you the light. I pray that you will DELIGHT yourself in the Lord and that he will give you the desires of your heart.

 

HIS Grace T-Shirts

It is by HIS grace that we are saved (Ephesians 2:8). It is by HIS son that we are adopted into HIS family (Ephesians 1:5). And it is by HIS grace that we are on the journey to Congo. All proceeds from these shirts will go towards bringing HIS daughter into our family (James 1:27).

Expect It!

Thank you! Thank you for taking a moment out of your day to stumble upon our blog and read about what is going on in our life. Taking the time to see us for who we are, the raw reality of who we are as people, and what God is doing for us. This has been a tough week. I received some news that I cannot yet share, but is weighing heavy on my heart. I find it hard to be the bearer of such news that I know will affect so many yet bound by the circumstances not able to share. I also see it as perhaps one of Satan's tactics to attempt drawing me away from God as it is a direct hit to my heart. I promise to share with you as soon as able. In the meantime, to ease your minds...nobody is sick and we are not pregnant. I am so very thankful that in the midst of heartache, sadness, or even just a little ho hum, Christ can take my earthly perspective and turn it around. He can transform my outlook into his outlook. Thank you sweet Lord for this little blessing that I do not deserve, it stirs my fire. 

Let me take a moment and update you. Our part of the home study has been completed since February. The precious social worker that we worked with for our entire study went on maternity leave unexpectedly early therefore someone else had to finish it by typing it up and finalizing it. I guess it took a while for them since they did not know us and were going based on her notes. Props to them for doing a great job and helping out when needed. So last week while we were at the beach we received an emailed copy of our home study for review. We went back and forth making a few changes, and then it was complete. They have mailed it to our original social worker for her signature then when they get it back....drum roll....it will be sent to Congo! Hopefully within the week. YAY!!! This means that we will then be on the waiting list for a referral. They average the matching process to be 6 months, give or take. So if we are not matched by October, you may hear me singing "All I want for Christmas is my baby girl". Then, once matched we will wait on the court process to be finalized, averaging 8-9 months.

Since our home study is now finished we can begin applying for grants and loans. I am blown away by the number of people who are called to give, support, and sponsor families adopting. I really enjoy hearing stories about how people were called into "prayership" and "sponsorship" (yes I think I just made a word up, but it works) just as much as I do families called to adopt. God's immaculate plan is amazing and the way he intertwines people's lives is intricately phenomenal. God spoke scriptures into the bible for all Christians, not just for the ones who wanted to read it, or the ones who cared about it, but for all Christians. One of the beautiful things about the Holy Spirit is what he speaks to each of us. I can prayerfully meditate over the exact same scripture as another person and the Lord reveals two completely different things to us. As we get our paperwork together for the grants and loans we have also spent time prayerfully considering additional ways to raise money, for lack of a better word, fundraisers. We have started with t-shirts and I have been honestly and truly amazed at the response. I have emails from friends of friends with such encouraging and supportive words. We value your prayers and stories, just as much as we value your support. The back of our shirts say HIS Grace and then have the verse "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27. It is not just our desire to raise money for our adoption, but even more so to spread the word of God. As Christians we are called to be disciples, living and breathing God's message. So why put "HIS Grace" on the shirts? Well....it is by HIS grace that we are saved ("For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith —and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God" Ephesians 2:8) It is by HIS son that we are adopted into HIS family ("God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ." Ephesians 1:5) And it is by HIS grace that we are on the journey to Congo to bring HIS daughter into our family ("Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27). I have gone through one order of shirts, and will be placing another order tomorrow. As I looked at all the names of people ordering shirts, friends of ours as well as people I have never met, I wanted to do something for them. I guess a means of thanking them for loving and supporting us in our journey. The Lord quickly reminded me that the greatest gift we can give each other is to pray for each other. So I chose to roll each t-shirt up and tie it with a wraffia bow. As I fold and roll each t-shirt I pray for the person the shirt is going to, some friends I know and others across the states that I have never met. What a joy and blessing the opportunity has been to pray for so many people! 

There is a particular person in my life, of great importance to me, that we have not yet shared about the adoption. Not because I'm not ready to or because I am fearful, but the timing has not been right. Taking into account conversations with this person in the past about various topics, well, guess I'll be honest....conversations about anything...responses from this person tend to show a pattern on the negative side. Therefore, my family has shown great concern for this upcoming conversation I will have with this person. It is truly out of love and I am beyond blessed to have a family that so badly wants to protect me from any harmful words this person may say. I believe that part of being a Christian is persecution. Not to just experience it, but to expect it. 1 Peter 4:12, "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you." He goes there again in Philippians 1:29. In 2 Timothy 3:12 he cannot say it any clearer "In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted". So I have to wonder...if we as "Christians" are living our life and have not experienced persecution then what is our faith based on? What are we living for? Are we just luke warm? I know my feelings will most likely be hurt by this person as they have been in the past, but I cannot help imagine the persecution and pain that Jesus went through for me. How can I read the Bible and specifically the gospels about Jesus' persecution and crucifixion, acknowledge he suffered that for ME, then turn around to him and say "Sorry Jesus, I'm not feeling up to taking that persecution for you today"? He has given me comfort in my darkest days and I believe He will again as I encounter them. So I guess my perspective going into this conversation is not anticipating how bad it may hurt, but rather how closely God will hold and comfort me.

My list for Tuesday included several bullet points of things I wanted to blog about. It's been a while since I've had time and I wanted to catch up. But I cannot begin to even gather my thoughts much less words about what I would write. My heart is aching for the Crowe family right now. I met Jessica in 2007 when she and I co-hosted a shower for a mutual friend of ours. She and I had just both found out we were pregnant. She was pregnant with Noah, and I with Parker. Long story short, her precious son Noah has battled brain cancer for the last several years. Jessica and her husband are now praying for Noah to find peace and rest. My heart hurts for them, my heart hurts with them. They have constantly asked prayer that God would receive all glory through Noah's life and that he will continue to. Jessica and David are Christians who have faith that many people would say is rare, strong, and constant. But when anyone faces death with their child, they grow weary and tired. Jessica's latest post describes the flood of emotions she is having and feelings of being weak and weary. I believe God has strength to conquer this. I believe God could write the outcome however he so desires. But its not up to me to choose what the outcome is. It is up to me to constantly give God thanks and glory through every step and outcome. So today, tomorrow, and the next day I ask that you please keep the Crowe family, Jessica, David, and sweet Noah in your prayers. I cannot tell you what they need or how to pray, but God knows. www.prayfornoah.com


 

Like a Dolphin

I have a feeling that I am going to jump around a lot today. Its just one of those "ball of yarn" kind of days.

A few blogs ago I mentioned Anna Grace...let me clarify...we do not yet have one specific child that we have been matched with. But Jim and I have decided that we will name our daughter Anna Grace. For us, she is real and it is a privilege to pray for her by name. Its not just praying for something abstract but praying specifically for Anna Grace, by name, acknowledges that she is a precious child of God. While talking about adoption...we've had a couple of setbacks with our agency, redoing some paperwork, but the great news in this is that the God who was with us the first time we filled out this paperwork is the exact same God that is with us while we fill it out for a second time AND that is the same God who has perfect timing!

I started writing in the midst of heartache after we lost Harrison. For me, writing has been a way I can put my heart, my feelings, my emotions in words. I guess a "healthy outlet" for me. My family became very concerned when I seemed to be internalizing everything and withdrawing from society after we lost our sweet boy. Writing for me was a way I could communicate to them that my heart was strong, my heart was standing on the solid rock, but my flesh was weak and hurting. God really truly has done amazing things in my heart, life, and relationships over the past couple of months. When God reveals something to me, teaches me something, or humbles me at his feet I am overwhelmed with  his holy presence and cannot help but share it. With all that said...I want you to know that my words on this blog are things I share that the Lord has revealed to me, that the Lord is changing in me, and that the Lord needs to change in me. It was very difficult for me to make the choice and take the step to make my words public. My greatest desire for "putting it out there" is that others may see the works of God, the things he has done, the things he has carried me through, his great plan, the way my life could not go on without him, and that he may receive all the glory for that!

We have a new to us, older vehicle, and definitely has a mind of its own. The radio works when it wants to. But today I think it woke up on the right side of the bed because it worked great :) On the way home from the gym I heard a song that I have heard many times before but today my heart cried out. I thought of specific people in my life for every verse. My heart broke for these people. Please take a minute to watch the video and listen to the song. We need to be praying for our friends, neighbors, co-workers, and for our family. I read a quote once that said "What if you woke up today and the only people left on earth with you were the ones you prayed for yesterday." WOW! Who would be with you? Your parents? Your kids? Your spouse? Your friends? Your co-workers? Your pastor? Your enemies? Your future spouse? Your future kids? Or would you be standing alone? Would I be standing alone? Sometimes we know what people are going through...depression, lonliness, anger, regret, doubt, low self esteem, looking for self worth, trying to provide for a family, wondering if they will be single forever, knowing they are on the "wrong path", addiction, pride, etc. But often times we have no clue what people are going through, what we, ourselves, are going through. I believe with all my heart that God gave us brothers and sisters in Christ for many reasons. One of those reasons is to encourage each other and pray for each other. Sometimes, though, I think we get wrapped up thinking "well I need to share this verse with them" or "I need to help convict them" or "I need to call them out" and there are times for all those things, but how often do we just step back and sincerely pray for them, put ourselves aside and let the holy spirit lead?

The song talks about people searching, crying out for a purpose, a reason...wondering if they are "worth it". I am sitting here in my stinky gym clothes telling you that for me, for my life, if it was not for God's grace, I do not know where I would be. If it were not for God's grace I would have no purpose. I held in my arms one of the most beautiful miracles of life, a baby. But that baby never took a single breath in my arms. My husband and I had to plan burial arrangements for our child. How in the world could I move past that? What was my purpose? Evidently I could not save my child. Evidently I could not protect my child from death. Was I fit to be a mother? What had I done wrong? What was my purpose now? God's sweet sweet grace opened my heart and eyes to see that my flesh did not have the strength to get out of bed, to open my eyes, much less to take the next step in life. And he simultaneously showed me that His grace gave me the strength to get out of bed, open my eyes, and take the next step in life. God opened my heart to see that I deserve nothing, I deserve no breath, no life, no spouse, no children, no job, no joy. But it is by his GREAT GREAT GREAT grace that he has chosen to give me a life. It is a gift, a blessing! So...it is in God's grace that I find my purpose...my purpose to give him all the glory, for none of these are things I could have, do, or get through alone. Praise be to God!

A while back I saw a trailer for a movie that I knew I wanted to see, I think I even quoted part of the trailer in a previous post. Anyway, I rented it last week with the boys Dolphin Tale. GREAT movie, rent it if you haven't seen it. The overall premise is about a dolphin with a broken tail. The dolphin's journey had a very interesting parallel to how I have felt over the past few months. He got hurt and everyone thought he was going to die. He had several key people in his life that stayed with him 24/7 to make sure he was ok. They tried feeding him, talking to him, consoling him. The dolphin did not respond much. They tried fixing the problem by giving him a new tail, it hurt him, it made him mad. The dolphin just needed time to figure it out on his own. One of my favorite quotes "Just because I'm hurt doesn't mean I'm broken". I am coming to realize that I will be hurt for a long time, probably indefinitely, but my family, my friends, that doesn't mean I am broken. That doesn't mean that I cannot experience other joys in life.In the movie, there were bigger plans ahead for the Dolphin than they realized. And I believe God has bigger plans ahead in our Powell Pod!

All in the same time

I feel it would be ludicrous for me to say or even think that God's abilities are limited, or that something is impossible. Who am I to put God or his ability in a box? So, why then do we think that it could be wrong or impossible or even strange to have joy alongside heartache? Why do we doubt that possibility? In Deuteronomy 7:8 and 4:37 we see that Gods mighty power drove the Israelites out of Egypt. Why...because he loved them - its in black and white. The tower of Babel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego...Gods mighty power protected them. Let's think about the cross for a minute. Lets go back to the core of life. The example we are called to live by. The one story in the bible that many Christians and non-Christians know. The story where life begins..lets go to the cross. Jesus was crucified on a cross in front of family, friends, enemies, all of the town. How do you think those who loved Jesus felt? Do you think they cried? Do you think they hurt? Do you think their hearts ached? If you have ever lost anyone, then you easily know the answer to that question is yes. If you dont and need it in black and white then look to the scriptures. In Luke 2:35 Simeon rejoices with Mary and Joseph over their child but also tells Mary that along with her joy, her heart will also be pierced with a sword - causing anguish - heartache. We also see in Luke 1:46 that Mary sings a song to Elizabeth of great joy in what the Lord has done.  How do we look at the cross, at the crucifixion, and not see the heartache? How do we look at the cross, at the crucifixion, and not see joy? Mary, mother of Jesus experienced great heartache and great joy all at the same time. So why then would we think it so odd of others to experience heartache and joy simultaneously?

Commitment

For whatever reason, I've been reluctant to say these things in fear that I would hurt someone's feelings. All the while struggling with the same conviction that marriages these days are corrupt and nobody is doing anything about it. If we really want to see marriages transformed, it's not all that hard. I honestly believe it all stems from commitment and priorities.

So here goes nothing...my generation is one of the prettiest, most talented generations I know. We are all on time to get our hair cut, colored, and styled. Make it to our pedi appointment before we can wear open toed shoes. We attend home parties to purchase clothes, home accessories, and also use it as an excuse for another great girls night out with no husbands and kids. We are the first in line to sign our kids up for t-ball, karate, or get into the finest of preschools. We spend months planning birthday parties, hours searching pinterest for the cutest ideas that nobody has ever done that will WOW all the other moms. We go to the gym, sometimes to truly get into shape and be healthy, sometimes to socialize, and sometimes in an attempt to transform to the "shape" our society tells us is attractive. We shop designer catalogs and stores because we know people like our "labels" on our purses more than us, because thats what really matters, right? We buy organic food so people will see the organic items in our buggy as we check out and think we are "healthy" because that's the new fad now. We buy solid color t-shirts at gap rather than wal-mart because only poor people buy clothes at wal-mart and you never know who may see us as we're shopping, even though its the same quality as others. We cut out the size tags in our clothes, because you never know who may want to borrow a shirt and goodness they don't need to know what size I really am. We spend hundreds to thousands of dollars at hobby lobby and boutiques but cannot afford to pay for a marriage conference. We will bend over backwards to make it to bunco for another girls night out because its a kid-free and husband-free night. But we cannot make it to a marriage night at the church with our husbands, and free childcare, just cant make it to that. Then we turn around and are turning in prayer requests for our failing marriage. HELLO....are you a martian or a human? It does not take a rocket scientist to see the truth. Can you not see where the problem is? We spend more time spending, buying, designing, decorating, and trying to live up to the Jonses than we do investing in our marriage. Its obvious...our priorities are way out of wack. And I've got news for you...if I, as an outsider, can see all these things, how do you think our husbands feel? I think many of them look at our lives and see themselves on this priority list:

1. Kids

2. Friends

3. Things

4. Decorating

5. Personal Looks

6. Kids Activities

7. Husband

If our husbands continue to see themselves that low on the priority list, I'm telling you right now, the marriage will not work.