Like a Dolphin

I have a feeling that I am going to jump around a lot today. Its just one of those "ball of yarn" kind of days.

A few blogs ago I mentioned Anna Grace...let me clarify...we do not yet have one specific child that we have been matched with. But Jim and I have decided that we will name our daughter Anna Grace. For us, she is real and it is a privilege to pray for her by name. Its not just praying for something abstract but praying specifically for Anna Grace, by name, acknowledges that she is a precious child of God. While talking about adoption...we've had a couple of setbacks with our agency, redoing some paperwork, but the great news in this is that the God who was with us the first time we filled out this paperwork is the exact same God that is with us while we fill it out for a second time AND that is the same God who has perfect timing!

I started writing in the midst of heartache after we lost Harrison. For me, writing has been a way I can put my heart, my feelings, my emotions in words. I guess a "healthy outlet" for me. My family became very concerned when I seemed to be internalizing everything and withdrawing from society after we lost our sweet boy. Writing for me was a way I could communicate to them that my heart was strong, my heart was standing on the solid rock, but my flesh was weak and hurting. God really truly has done amazing things in my heart, life, and relationships over the past couple of months. When God reveals something to me, teaches me something, or humbles me at his feet I am overwhelmed with  his holy presence and cannot help but share it. With all that said...I want you to know that my words on this blog are things I share that the Lord has revealed to me, that the Lord is changing in me, and that the Lord needs to change in me. It was very difficult for me to make the choice and take the step to make my words public. My greatest desire for "putting it out there" is that others may see the works of God, the things he has done, the things he has carried me through, his great plan, the way my life could not go on without him, and that he may receive all the glory for that!

We have a new to us, older vehicle, and definitely has a mind of its own. The radio works when it wants to. But today I think it woke up on the right side of the bed because it worked great :) On the way home from the gym I heard a song that I have heard many times before but today my heart cried out. I thought of specific people in my life for every verse. My heart broke for these people. Please take a minute to watch the video and listen to the song. We need to be praying for our friends, neighbors, co-workers, and for our family. I read a quote once that said "What if you woke up today and the only people left on earth with you were the ones you prayed for yesterday." WOW! Who would be with you? Your parents? Your kids? Your spouse? Your friends? Your co-workers? Your pastor? Your enemies? Your future spouse? Your future kids? Or would you be standing alone? Would I be standing alone? Sometimes we know what people are going through...depression, lonliness, anger, regret, doubt, low self esteem, looking for self worth, trying to provide for a family, wondering if they will be single forever, knowing they are on the "wrong path", addiction, pride, etc. But often times we have no clue what people are going through, what we, ourselves, are going through. I believe with all my heart that God gave us brothers and sisters in Christ for many reasons. One of those reasons is to encourage each other and pray for each other. Sometimes, though, I think we get wrapped up thinking "well I need to share this verse with them" or "I need to help convict them" or "I need to call them out" and there are times for all those things, but how often do we just step back and sincerely pray for them, put ourselves aside and let the holy spirit lead?

The song talks about people searching, crying out for a purpose, a reason...wondering if they are "worth it". I am sitting here in my stinky gym clothes telling you that for me, for my life, if it was not for God's grace, I do not know where I would be. If it were not for God's grace I would have no purpose. I held in my arms one of the most beautiful miracles of life, a baby. But that baby never took a single breath in my arms. My husband and I had to plan burial arrangements for our child. How in the world could I move past that? What was my purpose? Evidently I could not save my child. Evidently I could not protect my child from death. Was I fit to be a mother? What had I done wrong? What was my purpose now? God's sweet sweet grace opened my heart and eyes to see that my flesh did not have the strength to get out of bed, to open my eyes, much less to take the next step in life. And he simultaneously showed me that His grace gave me the strength to get out of bed, open my eyes, and take the next step in life. God opened my heart to see that I deserve nothing, I deserve no breath, no life, no spouse, no children, no job, no joy. But it is by his GREAT GREAT GREAT grace that he has chosen to give me a life. It is a gift, a blessing! So...it is in God's grace that I find my purpose...my purpose to give him all the glory, for none of these are things I could have, do, or get through alone. Praise be to God!

A while back I saw a trailer for a movie that I knew I wanted to see, I think I even quoted part of the trailer in a previous post. Anyway, I rented it last week with the boys Dolphin Tale. GREAT movie, rent it if you haven't seen it. The overall premise is about a dolphin with a broken tail. The dolphin's journey had a very interesting parallel to how I have felt over the past few months. He got hurt and everyone thought he was going to die. He had several key people in his life that stayed with him 24/7 to make sure he was ok. They tried feeding him, talking to him, consoling him. The dolphin did not respond much. They tried fixing the problem by giving him a new tail, it hurt him, it made him mad. The dolphin just needed time to figure it out on his own. One of my favorite quotes "Just because I'm hurt doesn't mean I'm broken". I am coming to realize that I will be hurt for a long time, probably indefinitely, but my family, my friends, that doesn't mean I am broken. That doesn't mean that I cannot experience other joys in life.In the movie, there were bigger plans ahead for the Dolphin than they realized. And I believe God has bigger plans ahead in our Powell Pod!

Change of plans

Today we had planned to have a Gender Reveal party for our family. We figured by the 3rd child we needed to do something extra fun to get everyone pumped up about having another little one running around, making a mess, and tearing into everything. Everyone marked their calendars and my sweet sister even took some time off work so she could be here in plenty of time since she was traveling from out of town.  I had my food, decoration, and reveal ideas all organized and fine-tuned. The only thing that needed to happen was have the ultrasound. We didn't get to have our Gender Reveal party today, but we did have a mini party the other day.

Over the last two weeks I have submerged myself in recipe hunting. I have cooked new recipes each night with a wide variety of meals, some hearty and some healthy. I guess cooking is the only thing I feel like I can be in control of right now while my heart and emotions are so out of control. Which is also the reason, I think, that Jim has declined so many meals from our loving friends. Cooking each night has been the one thing I've looked forward to each day. One night, I decided to make the Chocolate Coke Cake. While I was preparing the batter, Parker walked up and said "Mommy...what are you making? A cake?" And before I could even respond, Parker lit up with glee and continued, "OH a BIRTHDAY cake!" I paused for a minute and then answered back, "Yes Parker, do you want to help Mommy make a birthday cake for Harrison?" He quickly answered, "YES YES YES!" The conversation continued and Parker assured me that Harrison wanted a Spiderman cake, but that he couldn't have a monster cake because that was Parker's favorite. We all watched the cake bake in the oven and patiently (some more than others) waited for the cake to cool. I let the boys pick out the birthday candles and decide how many candles we needed for the cake. Without hesitation, Parker said, "3, we need 3 candles". I like to think that Parker chose 3 candles, one for each of them, Parker, Logan, and Harrison. Or perhaps it's because Parker is 3 and he didn't understand it wasn't for him. For whatever the reason he chose 3, in that moment, in that very moment I was reminded of the trinity, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. So thank you Lord for my Parker choosing 3 and reminding me of your love, sacrifice, and grace! And then we sang. We sang Happy Birthday to Harrison. 

Plans change. Whether it be a party being cancelled, baking a cake, or loosing a child...plans can change. Dear Lord, I pray today that in all my planning I seek you first and that your will would be my plan for each and every day. Thank you sweet sweet Jesus for your grace and mercy. I pray God that my heart will bleed for you and that this life you have blessed me with will live to glorify you.

More than Conquerors

Sitting in worship this morning, there was no denying that the Holy Spirit was present. One of the opening songs was Healing in Your Hands. A beautiful song that brought new meaning to my heart. The chorus: 

How high, how wide

No matter where I am, healing is in Your hands
How deep, How strong

And now by Your grace I stand, healing is in Your hands

Sitting in room 612, holding sweet Harrison in my hands, tears fell from my eyes onto his tiny, little, perfect body as my heart broke over and over because I could not do anything to help him, to save him, to bring him back. It took hours to sink in that we could do nothing (and I still have daily thoughts and wonders race through my mind if something could have been done). All we could do was raise our hands up and through our quiet prayers offer our Harrison to the Lord, to place him in the Lord's healing hands. It's in the same healing hands that I find myself each day as I wake, pleading with the Lord to hold me, to carry me, to stay by my side one day more.

Verse:

In all things, we know that.
We are more than conquerors.
You keep us by your love.
You keep us by your love. 

More than conquerors......a conqueror? Conqueror is not one of the words I would use to describe myself right now. This song is based on pretty much all of Romans 8, but particularly verses 37-39 where Paul paints a beautiful picture of his belief that absolutely NOTHING can separate us from God's love. WOW! When you back up and start reading in verse 18, Paul very blatantly talks about the relationship between our current sufferings and future glory, and says there is no comparison at all. Creation, from the beginning was "subject to frustration" from the creator's will. But in the future, He will free us from the frustration and bring us into freedom...and that is where, as Christians, our HOPE is born. So when we read down to verses 31-39 Paul speaks from his heart in sharing with us all that if God loves us so much that He would sacrifice His son, then there is no way He would let anything come between His love and ourselves. Sweet love! A sweet love that holds us close, that creates in us conquerors so ... "... in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us." Romans 8:37. No, I am not a conqueror. But, yes, the Lord can create in me a conqueror through His sweet, sweet love!

Recipe for Healing

I find myself quite content in my home, with my boys, in my safe place. I don't have to answer the door, I don't have to answer the phone, I don't have to answer texts, I don't have to answer emails. And I don't have to look anyone in the face and tell them our story. What am I doing? Somewhere in the depths of my mind, I think I'm trying to convince myself that if I don't answer the door, phone, texts, emails, or see my friends and family face to face that somehow, someway, Harrison will come back and be home with us in my arms, in my empty arms, or even possibly still growing in my belly with not a single thing wrong. It's quite possible that I've led myself to believe such is true because right now I have no desire to step out of my safe place, it terrifies me to think I might have to face reality again.

If you know Jim and myself very well, it doesn't take long to realize that we both possess quite strong personality traits that are none the less opposite each other. We like to think that God has blessed us through these differences and grown us together through these differences. If Jim didn't possess some of the qualities he has, then by now we would have 8 dogs, a pool, 3 vehicles, a party at our house every weekend which would be in the county, visited Jamaica and several other tropical islands several times, adopted a few children, be open for foster care, make gift baskets for every person that we know has had a bad day, and the list goes on. So needless to say, I am thankful for our differences. As we sat in our hospital room trying to grasp what had just happened, God revealed and continues to reveal to me daily an empathetic and all passionate side of my husband that I never knew existed. This is once again one of those times that I hold sacred between Jim and myself and choose to keep private. But it so deeply humbles me thinking of God's great omnipotent planning. There are many times in our relationship that I would sulk wishing Jim would be more understanding, at the moment it was imperative that he understand and feel with me why my friend so badly hurt me or that we couldn't leave the house yet because I had not found the right thing to wear. But to think that our God didn't have the perfect time to reveal his true love, empathy, and care through my husband was preposterous on my behalf. I am, yet again, astonished at God's impeccable timing in knowing what I needed and when I needed it.

Part of my fear in facing reality in the real world is what people might perhaps say. I understand that people do not know what to say, much less how to say what they do not know they want to say. So people fumble, ramble, and often times end up in an awkward position. It is nobody's fault, and I understand that. But I'm not going to lie, I would like to prevent or avoid it. My sweet husband has been so insightful over the last couple of years in helping me realize that people have no way of knowing what I want, don't want, need, and don't need. That type of telepathic technology has just not been developed. No worries, I'm writing up my proposal for Jim to start working on it. But in the meantime, Jim assures me I can have no expectations, but trust that God will carry me through those times, conversations, and responses.

When we have people in our lives that are hurting, we inevitably want to fix it. We want to make it all better. I love living in the South and would never trade it for life in the North (based on my one visit to NY). I love being a Southern Belle and all traditions that come with being a SB just feel right. As Southerners we are born and raised with the recipe for healing others in our hearts:

Recipe for Healing

1 - Card sent in the mail (flowers may be substituted)

1 - Email or text sent weekly

1 - Home-cooked meal provided and delivered

 -Mix all ingredients together with a smile

-Sprinkled with lots of "I love you's"

-Top with "You'll understand one day why it happened"

(In no way do I hope to upset or offend anyone. We have truly been humbled by the outstretched arms of love that our friends and family have sent our way. We know your heart, we know your intentions, and we know you love us and for that we are thankful and oh so blessed)

As good as the recipe may sound, until you have walked in the shoes of heartache, you will never realize that the recipe above is not what you hunger for. I think as Southerners we have honestly done each other an injustice. I have searched and searched for the best recipe and the truth be told, there is no recipe for healing, there is one great Healer, and his name is Jesus. I may never know why He allowed what He did, I may never see a reason, I may never understand why He chose to involve the ones He did, but I do know that He promises me Hope and right now that is all I have.

  "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

I heard a quote on t.v. yesterday from a new movie coming out "Just because I'm hurt, doesn't mean I'm broken" - Dolphin Tale. Don't kid yourself, I am hurting. I'm hurting very bad. BUT my God is the same God as he was yesterday and the day before. My God is the God who sacrificed His son. As I grieve, he grieves, He understands better than anyone. He also promises me Hope, and that is where I rest.