Like a Dolphin

I have a feeling that I am going to jump around a lot today. Its just one of those "ball of yarn" kind of days.

A few blogs ago I mentioned Anna Grace...let me clarify...we do not yet have one specific child that we have been matched with. But Jim and I have decided that we will name our daughter Anna Grace. For us, she is real and it is a privilege to pray for her by name. Its not just praying for something abstract but praying specifically for Anna Grace, by name, acknowledges that she is a precious child of God. While talking about adoption...we've had a couple of setbacks with our agency, redoing some paperwork, but the great news in this is that the God who was with us the first time we filled out this paperwork is the exact same God that is with us while we fill it out for a second time AND that is the same God who has perfect timing!

I started writing in the midst of heartache after we lost Harrison. For me, writing has been a way I can put my heart, my feelings, my emotions in words. I guess a "healthy outlet" for me. My family became very concerned when I seemed to be internalizing everything and withdrawing from society after we lost our sweet boy. Writing for me was a way I could communicate to them that my heart was strong, my heart was standing on the solid rock, but my flesh was weak and hurting. God really truly has done amazing things in my heart, life, and relationships over the past couple of months. When God reveals something to me, teaches me something, or humbles me at his feet I am overwhelmed with  his holy presence and cannot help but share it. With all that said...I want you to know that my words on this blog are things I share that the Lord has revealed to me, that the Lord is changing in me, and that the Lord needs to change in me. It was very difficult for me to make the choice and take the step to make my words public. My greatest desire for "putting it out there" is that others may see the works of God, the things he has done, the things he has carried me through, his great plan, the way my life could not go on without him, and that he may receive all the glory for that!

We have a new to us, older vehicle, and definitely has a mind of its own. The radio works when it wants to. But today I think it woke up on the right side of the bed because it worked great :) On the way home from the gym I heard a song that I have heard many times before but today my heart cried out. I thought of specific people in my life for every verse. My heart broke for these people. Please take a minute to watch the video and listen to the song. We need to be praying for our friends, neighbors, co-workers, and for our family. I read a quote once that said "What if you woke up today and the only people left on earth with you were the ones you prayed for yesterday." WOW! Who would be with you? Your parents? Your kids? Your spouse? Your friends? Your co-workers? Your pastor? Your enemies? Your future spouse? Your future kids? Or would you be standing alone? Would I be standing alone? Sometimes we know what people are going through...depression, lonliness, anger, regret, doubt, low self esteem, looking for self worth, trying to provide for a family, wondering if they will be single forever, knowing they are on the "wrong path", addiction, pride, etc. But often times we have no clue what people are going through, what we, ourselves, are going through. I believe with all my heart that God gave us brothers and sisters in Christ for many reasons. One of those reasons is to encourage each other and pray for each other. Sometimes, though, I think we get wrapped up thinking "well I need to share this verse with them" or "I need to help convict them" or "I need to call them out" and there are times for all those things, but how often do we just step back and sincerely pray for them, put ourselves aside and let the holy spirit lead?

The song talks about people searching, crying out for a purpose, a reason...wondering if they are "worth it". I am sitting here in my stinky gym clothes telling you that for me, for my life, if it was not for God's grace, I do not know where I would be. If it were not for God's grace I would have no purpose. I held in my arms one of the most beautiful miracles of life, a baby. But that baby never took a single breath in my arms. My husband and I had to plan burial arrangements for our child. How in the world could I move past that? What was my purpose? Evidently I could not save my child. Evidently I could not protect my child from death. Was I fit to be a mother? What had I done wrong? What was my purpose now? God's sweet sweet grace opened my heart and eyes to see that my flesh did not have the strength to get out of bed, to open my eyes, much less to take the next step in life. And he simultaneously showed me that His grace gave me the strength to get out of bed, open my eyes, and take the next step in life. God opened my heart to see that I deserve nothing, I deserve no breath, no life, no spouse, no children, no job, no joy. But it is by his GREAT GREAT GREAT grace that he has chosen to give me a life. It is a gift, a blessing! So...it is in God's grace that I find my purpose...my purpose to give him all the glory, for none of these are things I could have, do, or get through alone. Praise be to God!

A while back I saw a trailer for a movie that I knew I wanted to see, I think I even quoted part of the trailer in a previous post. Anyway, I rented it last week with the boys Dolphin Tale. GREAT movie, rent it if you haven't seen it. The overall premise is about a dolphin with a broken tail. The dolphin's journey had a very interesting parallel to how I have felt over the past few months. He got hurt and everyone thought he was going to die. He had several key people in his life that stayed with him 24/7 to make sure he was ok. They tried feeding him, talking to him, consoling him. The dolphin did not respond much. They tried fixing the problem by giving him a new tail, it hurt him, it made him mad. The dolphin just needed time to figure it out on his own. One of my favorite quotes "Just because I'm hurt doesn't mean I'm broken". I am coming to realize that I will be hurt for a long time, probably indefinitely, but my family, my friends, that doesn't mean I am broken. That doesn't mean that I cannot experience other joys in life.In the movie, there were bigger plans ahead for the Dolphin than they realized. And I believe God has bigger plans ahead in our Powell Pod!

Deja Vu

I have not blogged in the last couple of days and as I sit here I'm trying to figure out how to put into words my reason why. I am going to throw myself out there and jump to the conclusion that if you are reading this you are someone who cares about our family and out of respect for you, I feel I owe it to you to be honest. As I've written before, when you go through a loss, people from everywhere, books, movies, pamphlets, doctor discharge notes, nurses, EVERYONE tells you to expect to transition through several different phases. You'll feel like you are zoned out, you'll feel sad, you'll feel mad, you'll feel confused, you'll feel guilty, you'll feel regret, you'll feel confused, etc. I hate to label this time in my life as a "process". I have a very hard time believing that I will go through steps 1-8 and then be through the "process". I have told Jim over and over that my hope is that through this time I would grow to become the woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and sister in Christ that God desires for my life. And if that means for my heart to be broken over and over every day, so be it. I want to be where God wants me to be. I am not happy anywhere else. So back to all these feelings people and books have told me I would have...yes I've had some, some more than others. But the one that I never thought I would have and the one I'm having the hardest time with is anger. If you have known me for the first 28 years of my life, I would be surprised if you would label me as an angry person. And if you do, I hope that you'll come talk to me because that is not a personal quality I would ever like to possess and I want to make things right with you. I apologize if I have ever come across that way to you. So, over the last week as I have felt overcome with the uncomfortable feelings of anger, I have yet again, been at a loss for words. I am not angry at God, I am not angry at Jim, I am not angry at Parker and Logan, I am not angry at my family, I am not angry at my friends. The only place I know this anger has come from is Satan and I hate it. We started a new study in Sunday School yesterday, Focused Faith, or Faith Focus, something along those lines. Jim taught the lesson and he started off with the question "Have you ever been robbed of something" and proceeds through the lesson and gets to the question "What has Satan ever robbed you of". I cannot tell you how many things flew through my mind that I wanted to say. Typically I speak up in Sunday School, but as I sat in my chair yesterday and felt a flood of answers run through my head, I got a knot in my throat and knew what would happen if I even tried to open my mouth. So as I sit here with a knot in my throat and tears filling my eyes, I will tell you what Satan wants to rob me of right now. He wants to take my peace, passion, happiness, and interests, but most of all he wants to take away my faith and joy. Once again, I am going to be vulnerably honest with you...Satan is strong. He is very strong. He has been fighting all day, every day for these things in me for 26 days now. Some days I feel like I have nothing in me to fight back, and it is in those days that I am so thankful for a Holy Spirit that fights for me and fills my heart and mind with scripture and songs that I have learned through the years. This right here is an example of why it is important to learn scripture and listen to Christian music. Not just simply read the words on the page, but learn them and impress them on your heart. Because there WILL be times in life when you have no energy or strength to pick the Bible up, and the Holy Spirit will fill your heart and mind in those times with the scriptures and praises that you have on your heart. Satan has fought so hard and continues to fight to rob me of these things. But the fight is not over and he has not won.

I cannot say enough how blessed Jim and I are to be surrounded with such loving and caring family and friends. We know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are loved. And I hate that anyone has been hurt or taken personally me not going out, returning calls, texts, emails, etc. Please know it is not YOU. I know everyone is ready for me to move on. I have longed for answers why I cant just flip a switch and move on. I cannot keep longing for those answers. Our God is full of mystery and wonder. If we could figure him out then he wouldnt be God. So since I have no answer, I have no answer to give you. I can tell you though, that I feel like I am in constant deja vu. I close my eyes to sleep and I feel as if I am laying in the hospital bed at 4 a.m. with contractions. Any pain or twinge I have in my body, my head says "oh no...is the baby ok". Every time I close my eyes, my mind replays over and over August 25...the physical pain, the tears from phyiscal pain, the cries for help, the delivery, the 30 seconds I was alone with Harrison, the panic, the nurse call, holding Harrison, falling into shock, a day of holding the body of our baby that God has already called home, the funeral and burial decisions, our first and last prayer with our precious Harrison, watching the nurse walk out the door with Harrison in her arms, and the sound of the hosptial door shutting . Deja vu over and over.

^"25 I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness— ²⁶ the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the Lord’s people. ²⁷ To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. " Colossians 1:25-27

Thank you Lord for the hope of glory!