Deja Vu

I have not blogged in the last couple of days and as I sit here I'm trying to figure out how to put into words my reason why. I am going to throw myself out there and jump to the conclusion that if you are reading this you are someone who cares about our family and out of respect for you, I feel I owe it to you to be honest. As I've written before, when you go through a loss, people from everywhere, books, movies, pamphlets, doctor discharge notes, nurses, EVERYONE tells you to expect to transition through several different phases. You'll feel like you are zoned out, you'll feel sad, you'll feel mad, you'll feel confused, you'll feel guilty, you'll feel regret, you'll feel confused, etc. I hate to label this time in my life as a "process". I have a very hard time believing that I will go through steps 1-8 and then be through the "process". I have told Jim over and over that my hope is that through this time I would grow to become the woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and sister in Christ that God desires for my life. And if that means for my heart to be broken over and over every day, so be it. I want to be where God wants me to be. I am not happy anywhere else. So back to all these feelings people and books have told me I would have...yes I've had some, some more than others. But the one that I never thought I would have and the one I'm having the hardest time with is anger. If you have known me for the first 28 years of my life, I would be surprised if you would label me as an angry person. And if you do, I hope that you'll come talk to me because that is not a personal quality I would ever like to possess and I want to make things right with you. I apologize if I have ever come across that way to you. So, over the last week as I have felt overcome with the uncomfortable feelings of anger, I have yet again, been at a loss for words. I am not angry at God, I am not angry at Jim, I am not angry at Parker and Logan, I am not angry at my family, I am not angry at my friends. The only place I know this anger has come from is Satan and I hate it. We started a new study in Sunday School yesterday, Focused Faith, or Faith Focus, something along those lines. Jim taught the lesson and he started off with the question "Have you ever been robbed of something" and proceeds through the lesson and gets to the question "What has Satan ever robbed you of". I cannot tell you how many things flew through my mind that I wanted to say. Typically I speak up in Sunday School, but as I sat in my chair yesterday and felt a flood of answers run through my head, I got a knot in my throat and knew what would happen if I even tried to open my mouth. So as I sit here with a knot in my throat and tears filling my eyes, I will tell you what Satan wants to rob me of right now. He wants to take my peace, passion, happiness, and interests, but most of all he wants to take away my faith and joy. Once again, I am going to be vulnerably honest with you...Satan is strong. He is very strong. He has been fighting all day, every day for these things in me for 26 days now. Some days I feel like I have nothing in me to fight back, and it is in those days that I am so thankful for a Holy Spirit that fights for me and fills my heart and mind with scripture and songs that I have learned through the years. This right here is an example of why it is important to learn scripture and listen to Christian music. Not just simply read the words on the page, but learn them and impress them on your heart. Because there WILL be times in life when you have no energy or strength to pick the Bible up, and the Holy Spirit will fill your heart and mind in those times with the scriptures and praises that you have on your heart. Satan has fought so hard and continues to fight to rob me of these things. But the fight is not over and he has not won.

I cannot say enough how blessed Jim and I are to be surrounded with such loving and caring family and friends. We know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are loved. And I hate that anyone has been hurt or taken personally me not going out, returning calls, texts, emails, etc. Please know it is not YOU. I know everyone is ready for me to move on. I have longed for answers why I cant just flip a switch and move on. I cannot keep longing for those answers. Our God is full of mystery and wonder. If we could figure him out then he wouldnt be God. So since I have no answer, I have no answer to give you. I can tell you though, that I feel like I am in constant deja vu. I close my eyes to sleep and I feel as if I am laying in the hospital bed at 4 a.m. with contractions. Any pain or twinge I have in my body, my head says "oh no...is the baby ok". Every time I close my eyes, my mind replays over and over August 25...the physical pain, the tears from phyiscal pain, the cries for help, the delivery, the 30 seconds I was alone with Harrison, the panic, the nurse call, holding Harrison, falling into shock, a day of holding the body of our baby that God has already called home, the funeral and burial decisions, our first and last prayer with our precious Harrison, watching the nurse walk out the door with Harrison in her arms, and the sound of the hosptial door shutting . Deja vu over and over.

^"25 I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness— ²⁶ the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the Lord’s people. ²⁷ To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. " Colossians 1:25-27

Thank you Lord for the hope of glory!