Expect It!

Thank you! Thank you for taking a moment out of your day to stumble upon our blog and read about what is going on in our life. Taking the time to see us for who we are, the raw reality of who we are as people, and what God is doing for us. This has been a tough week. I received some news that I cannot yet share, but is weighing heavy on my heart. I find it hard to be the bearer of such news that I know will affect so many yet bound by the circumstances not able to share. I also see it as perhaps one of Satan's tactics to attempt drawing me away from God as it is a direct hit to my heart. I promise to share with you as soon as able. In the meantime, to ease your minds...nobody is sick and we are not pregnant. I am so very thankful that in the midst of heartache, sadness, or even just a little ho hum, Christ can take my earthly perspective and turn it around. He can transform my outlook into his outlook. Thank you sweet Lord for this little blessing that I do not deserve, it stirs my fire. 

Let me take a moment and update you. Our part of the home study has been completed since February. The precious social worker that we worked with for our entire study went on maternity leave unexpectedly early therefore someone else had to finish it by typing it up and finalizing it. I guess it took a while for them since they did not know us and were going based on her notes. Props to them for doing a great job and helping out when needed. So last week while we were at the beach we received an emailed copy of our home study for review. We went back and forth making a few changes, and then it was complete. They have mailed it to our original social worker for her signature then when they get it back....drum roll....it will be sent to Congo! Hopefully within the week. YAY!!! This means that we will then be on the waiting list for a referral. They average the matching process to be 6 months, give or take. So if we are not matched by October, you may hear me singing "All I want for Christmas is my baby girl". Then, once matched we will wait on the court process to be finalized, averaging 8-9 months.

Since our home study is now finished we can begin applying for grants and loans. I am blown away by the number of people who are called to give, support, and sponsor families adopting. I really enjoy hearing stories about how people were called into "prayership" and "sponsorship" (yes I think I just made a word up, but it works) just as much as I do families called to adopt. God's immaculate plan is amazing and the way he intertwines people's lives is intricately phenomenal. God spoke scriptures into the bible for all Christians, not just for the ones who wanted to read it, or the ones who cared about it, but for all Christians. One of the beautiful things about the Holy Spirit is what he speaks to each of us. I can prayerfully meditate over the exact same scripture as another person and the Lord reveals two completely different things to us. As we get our paperwork together for the grants and loans we have also spent time prayerfully considering additional ways to raise money, for lack of a better word, fundraisers. We have started with t-shirts and I have been honestly and truly amazed at the response. I have emails from friends of friends with such encouraging and supportive words. We value your prayers and stories, just as much as we value your support. The back of our shirts say HIS Grace and then have the verse "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27. It is not just our desire to raise money for our adoption, but even more so to spread the word of God. As Christians we are called to be disciples, living and breathing God's message. So why put "HIS Grace" on the shirts? Well....it is by HIS grace that we are saved ("For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith —and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God" Ephesians 2:8) It is by HIS son that we are adopted into HIS family ("God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ." Ephesians 1:5) And it is by HIS grace that we are on the journey to Congo to bring HIS daughter into our family ("Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27). I have gone through one order of shirts, and will be placing another order tomorrow. As I looked at all the names of people ordering shirts, friends of ours as well as people I have never met, I wanted to do something for them. I guess a means of thanking them for loving and supporting us in our journey. The Lord quickly reminded me that the greatest gift we can give each other is to pray for each other. So I chose to roll each t-shirt up and tie it with a wraffia bow. As I fold and roll each t-shirt I pray for the person the shirt is going to, some friends I know and others across the states that I have never met. What a joy and blessing the opportunity has been to pray for so many people! 

There is a particular person in my life, of great importance to me, that we have not yet shared about the adoption. Not because I'm not ready to or because I am fearful, but the timing has not been right. Taking into account conversations with this person in the past about various topics, well, guess I'll be honest....conversations about anything...responses from this person tend to show a pattern on the negative side. Therefore, my family has shown great concern for this upcoming conversation I will have with this person. It is truly out of love and I am beyond blessed to have a family that so badly wants to protect me from any harmful words this person may say. I believe that part of being a Christian is persecution. Not to just experience it, but to expect it. 1 Peter 4:12, "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you." He goes there again in Philippians 1:29. In 2 Timothy 3:12 he cannot say it any clearer "In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted". So I have to wonder...if we as "Christians" are living our life and have not experienced persecution then what is our faith based on? What are we living for? Are we just luke warm? I know my feelings will most likely be hurt by this person as they have been in the past, but I cannot help imagine the persecution and pain that Jesus went through for me. How can I read the Bible and specifically the gospels about Jesus' persecution and crucifixion, acknowledge he suffered that for ME, then turn around to him and say "Sorry Jesus, I'm not feeling up to taking that persecution for you today"? He has given me comfort in my darkest days and I believe He will again as I encounter them. So I guess my perspective going into this conversation is not anticipating how bad it may hurt, but rather how closely God will hold and comfort me.

My list for Tuesday included several bullet points of things I wanted to blog about. It's been a while since I've had time and I wanted to catch up. But I cannot begin to even gather my thoughts much less words about what I would write. My heart is aching for the Crowe family right now. I met Jessica in 2007 when she and I co-hosted a shower for a mutual friend of ours. She and I had just both found out we were pregnant. She was pregnant with Noah, and I with Parker. Long story short, her precious son Noah has battled brain cancer for the last several years. Jessica and her husband are now praying for Noah to find peace and rest. My heart hurts for them, my heart hurts with them. They have constantly asked prayer that God would receive all glory through Noah's life and that he will continue to. Jessica and David are Christians who have faith that many people would say is rare, strong, and constant. But when anyone faces death with their child, they grow weary and tired. Jessica's latest post describes the flood of emotions she is having and feelings of being weak and weary. I believe God has strength to conquer this. I believe God could write the outcome however he so desires. But its not up to me to choose what the outcome is. It is up to me to constantly give God thanks and glory through every step and outcome. So today, tomorrow, and the next day I ask that you please keep the Crowe family, Jessica, David, and sweet Noah in your prayers. I cannot tell you what they need or how to pray, but God knows. www.prayfornoah.com


 

Like a Dolphin

I have a feeling that I am going to jump around a lot today. Its just one of those "ball of yarn" kind of days.

A few blogs ago I mentioned Anna Grace...let me clarify...we do not yet have one specific child that we have been matched with. But Jim and I have decided that we will name our daughter Anna Grace. For us, she is real and it is a privilege to pray for her by name. Its not just praying for something abstract but praying specifically for Anna Grace, by name, acknowledges that she is a precious child of God. While talking about adoption...we've had a couple of setbacks with our agency, redoing some paperwork, but the great news in this is that the God who was with us the first time we filled out this paperwork is the exact same God that is with us while we fill it out for a second time AND that is the same God who has perfect timing!

I started writing in the midst of heartache after we lost Harrison. For me, writing has been a way I can put my heart, my feelings, my emotions in words. I guess a "healthy outlet" for me. My family became very concerned when I seemed to be internalizing everything and withdrawing from society after we lost our sweet boy. Writing for me was a way I could communicate to them that my heart was strong, my heart was standing on the solid rock, but my flesh was weak and hurting. God really truly has done amazing things in my heart, life, and relationships over the past couple of months. When God reveals something to me, teaches me something, or humbles me at his feet I am overwhelmed with  his holy presence and cannot help but share it. With all that said...I want you to know that my words on this blog are things I share that the Lord has revealed to me, that the Lord is changing in me, and that the Lord needs to change in me. It was very difficult for me to make the choice and take the step to make my words public. My greatest desire for "putting it out there" is that others may see the works of God, the things he has done, the things he has carried me through, his great plan, the way my life could not go on without him, and that he may receive all the glory for that!

We have a new to us, older vehicle, and definitely has a mind of its own. The radio works when it wants to. But today I think it woke up on the right side of the bed because it worked great :) On the way home from the gym I heard a song that I have heard many times before but today my heart cried out. I thought of specific people in my life for every verse. My heart broke for these people. Please take a minute to watch the video and listen to the song. We need to be praying for our friends, neighbors, co-workers, and for our family. I read a quote once that said "What if you woke up today and the only people left on earth with you were the ones you prayed for yesterday." WOW! Who would be with you? Your parents? Your kids? Your spouse? Your friends? Your co-workers? Your pastor? Your enemies? Your future spouse? Your future kids? Or would you be standing alone? Would I be standing alone? Sometimes we know what people are going through...depression, lonliness, anger, regret, doubt, low self esteem, looking for self worth, trying to provide for a family, wondering if they will be single forever, knowing they are on the "wrong path", addiction, pride, etc. But often times we have no clue what people are going through, what we, ourselves, are going through. I believe with all my heart that God gave us brothers and sisters in Christ for many reasons. One of those reasons is to encourage each other and pray for each other. Sometimes, though, I think we get wrapped up thinking "well I need to share this verse with them" or "I need to help convict them" or "I need to call them out" and there are times for all those things, but how often do we just step back and sincerely pray for them, put ourselves aside and let the holy spirit lead?

The song talks about people searching, crying out for a purpose, a reason...wondering if they are "worth it". I am sitting here in my stinky gym clothes telling you that for me, for my life, if it was not for God's grace, I do not know where I would be. If it were not for God's grace I would have no purpose. I held in my arms one of the most beautiful miracles of life, a baby. But that baby never took a single breath in my arms. My husband and I had to plan burial arrangements for our child. How in the world could I move past that? What was my purpose? Evidently I could not save my child. Evidently I could not protect my child from death. Was I fit to be a mother? What had I done wrong? What was my purpose now? God's sweet sweet grace opened my heart and eyes to see that my flesh did not have the strength to get out of bed, to open my eyes, much less to take the next step in life. And he simultaneously showed me that His grace gave me the strength to get out of bed, open my eyes, and take the next step in life. God opened my heart to see that I deserve nothing, I deserve no breath, no life, no spouse, no children, no job, no joy. But it is by his GREAT GREAT GREAT grace that he has chosen to give me a life. It is a gift, a blessing! So...it is in God's grace that I find my purpose...my purpose to give him all the glory, for none of these are things I could have, do, or get through alone. Praise be to God!

A while back I saw a trailer for a movie that I knew I wanted to see, I think I even quoted part of the trailer in a previous post. Anyway, I rented it last week with the boys Dolphin Tale. GREAT movie, rent it if you haven't seen it. The overall premise is about a dolphin with a broken tail. The dolphin's journey had a very interesting parallel to how I have felt over the past few months. He got hurt and everyone thought he was going to die. He had several key people in his life that stayed with him 24/7 to make sure he was ok. They tried feeding him, talking to him, consoling him. The dolphin did not respond much. They tried fixing the problem by giving him a new tail, it hurt him, it made him mad. The dolphin just needed time to figure it out on his own. One of my favorite quotes "Just because I'm hurt doesn't mean I'm broken". I am coming to realize that I will be hurt for a long time, probably indefinitely, but my family, my friends, that doesn't mean I am broken. That doesn't mean that I cannot experience other joys in life.In the movie, there were bigger plans ahead for the Dolphin than they realized. And I believe God has bigger plans ahead in our Powell Pod!

All in the same time

I feel it would be ludicrous for me to say or even think that God's abilities are limited, or that something is impossible. Who am I to put God or his ability in a box? So, why then do we think that it could be wrong or impossible or even strange to have joy alongside heartache? Why do we doubt that possibility? In Deuteronomy 7:8 and 4:37 we see that Gods mighty power drove the Israelites out of Egypt. Why...because he loved them - its in black and white. The tower of Babel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego...Gods mighty power protected them. Let's think about the cross for a minute. Lets go back to the core of life. The example we are called to live by. The one story in the bible that many Christians and non-Christians know. The story where life begins..lets go to the cross. Jesus was crucified on a cross in front of family, friends, enemies, all of the town. How do you think those who loved Jesus felt? Do you think they cried? Do you think they hurt? Do you think their hearts ached? If you have ever lost anyone, then you easily know the answer to that question is yes. If you dont and need it in black and white then look to the scriptures. In Luke 2:35 Simeon rejoices with Mary and Joseph over their child but also tells Mary that along with her joy, her heart will also be pierced with a sword - causing anguish - heartache. We also see in Luke 1:46 that Mary sings a song to Elizabeth of great joy in what the Lord has done.  How do we look at the cross, at the crucifixion, and not see the heartache? How do we look at the cross, at the crucifixion, and not see joy? Mary, mother of Jesus experienced great heartache and great joy all at the same time. So why then would we think it so odd of others to experience heartache and joy simultaneously?

Commitment

For whatever reason, I've been reluctant to say these things in fear that I would hurt someone's feelings. All the while struggling with the same conviction that marriages these days are corrupt and nobody is doing anything about it. If we really want to see marriages transformed, it's not all that hard. I honestly believe it all stems from commitment and priorities.

So here goes nothing...my generation is one of the prettiest, most talented generations I know. We are all on time to get our hair cut, colored, and styled. Make it to our pedi appointment before we can wear open toed shoes. We attend home parties to purchase clothes, home accessories, and also use it as an excuse for another great girls night out with no husbands and kids. We are the first in line to sign our kids up for t-ball, karate, or get into the finest of preschools. We spend months planning birthday parties, hours searching pinterest for the cutest ideas that nobody has ever done that will WOW all the other moms. We go to the gym, sometimes to truly get into shape and be healthy, sometimes to socialize, and sometimes in an attempt to transform to the "shape" our society tells us is attractive. We shop designer catalogs and stores because we know people like our "labels" on our purses more than us, because thats what really matters, right? We buy organic food so people will see the organic items in our buggy as we check out and think we are "healthy" because that's the new fad now. We buy solid color t-shirts at gap rather than wal-mart because only poor people buy clothes at wal-mart and you never know who may see us as we're shopping, even though its the same quality as others. We cut out the size tags in our clothes, because you never know who may want to borrow a shirt and goodness they don't need to know what size I really am. We spend hundreds to thousands of dollars at hobby lobby and boutiques but cannot afford to pay for a marriage conference. We will bend over backwards to make it to bunco for another girls night out because its a kid-free and husband-free night. But we cannot make it to a marriage night at the church with our husbands, and free childcare, just cant make it to that. Then we turn around and are turning in prayer requests for our failing marriage. HELLO....are you a martian or a human? It does not take a rocket scientist to see the truth. Can you not see where the problem is? We spend more time spending, buying, designing, decorating, and trying to live up to the Jonses than we do investing in our marriage. Its obvious...our priorities are way out of wack. And I've got news for you...if I, as an outsider, can see all these things, how do you think our husbands feel? I think many of them look at our lives and see themselves on this priority list:

1. Kids

2. Friends

3. Things

4. Decorating

5. Personal Looks

6. Kids Activities

7. Husband

If our husbands continue to see themselves that low on the priority list, I'm telling you right now, the marriage will not work.

From the mouth of babes

I am on the tail end of the flu that hit me last week. And for whatever reason, Tamiflu makes me nauseous. The boys and I were in the car on the way home and I let out a sigh. Parker followed with "Mommy whats wrong?" So I explained to him that the medicine that helps get rid of the flu germs just makes me feel icky sometimes. Then I heard him mumbling, but couldnt quite make out what he was saying...as I glanced in the rearview mirror I saw two tiny precious hands gently folded, head bowed, and eyes squenched tightly closed and his words became clearer "Jesus thank you so much for my mommy. Jesus make her germs go away and make her feel better. Thank you Jesus for my mommy and daddy and please make the medicine fix mommy. I love you Jesus. Amen" Through my tears I thanked Parker and told him how sweet and thoughtful that was. His words "Thats just what you do when people are hurting Mommy, you pray for them". Wow...the words from the mouths of babes!

I am surrounded by people in my community, friends from my past, and friends in my close circle of friends who are sick, ill, injured, and hurting badly. So we pray...when people are hurting, thats just what we do, we pray!

What's one more storm?

I sat down to write this post several times over the last 2 weeks and never could bring myself to actually do it. Maybe it was fear of facing the truth, fear that people would judge me, or fear that I would feel, yet again, heartache. One of the many times I sat down to write, I thought about how I would begin the post. Maybe "If you think you may be tempted to judge me or talk about me behind my back, please stop here and read the next blog you are following " or "this is something I never thought I would have to write about" or "my heart was broken yet again today". But over the last 2 weeks of me not writing the Lord has opened my eyes to see that it is not other peoples words or actions that are mine to be concerned with. If I allow myself to worry about those things then I am allowing myself to be in bondage to Satan's desires. I don't want that! So, I'll begin with this...

I have come to learn that vulnerability, not only with others, but truly with myself as well is necessary if I have any desire to live my life with all glory given to God. There is no possible way that I can share with others the great grace and mercy that God has poured on me unless I am completely vulnerable about my heart. That is hard.

Thursday, February 9, 2012 was Harrison's due date. This was a date that I started dreaming about 8 months ago. A day that I would in-vision in my mind. The dreams and visions I had looked absolutely nothing like my day actually was on February 9th. I dreamed of smiles, happiness, and tears of joy. I did not dream of sadness, hurt, and tears of heartache. As I went to bed on February 8th, I wondered what my next day would hold. I woke up and immediately thanked the Lord for the day he had given me and the breath of life he breathes into me. I so badly wanted that day to be a good day. I found myself very quiet and I felt myself attempting to distance myself from feelings that I started to feel overwhelming me. So I decided to go work out. Cardio workouts have always been very emotional for me. I have no clue how to explain that other than I feel like I'm running and the music is encouraging me to go harder and faster. Through my sweat and tears I had a really good workout. I busied myself with the boys and everyday laundry and cleaning, still feeling removed. At one point in the day, someone very dear to me asked me "whats wrong with you...you seem depressed or something, whats going on?" And my heart got hurt so badly in that moment, was I the only one who remembered what this day was? Did nobody else remember Harrison? And almost immediately God's sweet arms wrapped me in his warm embrace. God allows me to remember our Harrison and even still feel the pain because he is continually using Harrison to grow and stretch me to be who HE wants me to be. Although there is a part of this Mama that never wants anyone to forget Harrison, I realize that this experience was so different for me than how it affected or did not affect others and that is up to God, not me. I am so very thankful that Harrison's first breath taken was in the presence of our Lord and that he never experienced any pain or heartache. I am so thankful that the Lord protected him from those things and that we were able to have the time with him that we did. Thank you sweet Lord for keeping my heart close to yours and continually using the heartache and loss of Harrison to constantly remind me of your love, grace, and mercy. I pray Lord that when I look back on this experience, I will see your footprints. And I pray Lord that you may always receive all Glory!

Jim and I just got home from spending a week in Vegas! I had a TRIO conference and Jim had clients to visit out there so we were gone for a week. We were both busy working during the day but enjoyed our nights touring Vegas, eating great food, and seeing some spectacular shows. Although I was excited about the conference and seeing Vegas, I had a really hard time leaving the boys and flying. The last time we flew was, for me, the beginning of losing Harrison. So stepping foot on another plane was the last thing I wanted to do. I was afraid of reliving all my previous feelings. And with us flying only 2 days after Harrison's due date I was beginning to feel overwhelmed and fearful of losing control of my emotions on the plane. I also had a very hard time leaving the boys. What if something happened to me while I was gone, what if our plane crashed, what if something happened to them and I couldn't get home, what if they miss us, what if they cry while we are gone. My heart and mind were quickly flooded with heartache, fear, doubt, and anxiety before we even stepped foot on the plane. Satan was getting pretty happy at this point thinking he was going to win this battle. Satan loves fear, doubt, worry, and anxiety. Which is a funny statement to say that he loves something since Satan does not love "love" and is not "loving". Anyway...you see where I was. One of my love languages, which I learned from reading The Five Love Languages, great book, is gifts. So I decided that if I could not be with the boys every day and physically love on them, I could leave a gift for them every day and love on them through gifts. So...they had a gift to open each day we were gone. Mama said they LOVED it! And even though I wasn't with them, I felt a little closer to them.

So...I was excited about the gifts that the boys had to open, but still not thrilled about flying and being away from them. As our departure time approached, I sense of thankfulness overwhelmed me for our Lord. He gave me the discernment to see that the feelings of doubt, anxiety, and fear that I was having were from Satan, not Him. Our God is a God of love, peace, hope, and joy and for that I am so very very thankful! I decided right then and there that Satan was NOT going to win this battle! I decided that I would spend my time on the flight in prayer and reading Gods words. A dear friend of mine gave me a book to read The Strength of Mercy by Jan Beazely. FANTASTIC BOOK! While reading on the plane, I came to a point where a letter is written to the birthmother of the child who is being adopted. After reading the letter I began to pray for Anna Grace and her birth mother  

Sweet Jesus, I come to your feet in great thanksgiving. Thank you Lord for who you are and the price you have paid so that we may have life on this Earth. Lord we will never be able to fully repay you for the life you gave Lord, but I pray that every action, breath, and step I take may be in your willingness for my life 

Almost immediately after I started praying the plane turbulence started. I continued to pray for Anna grace and her birth mother.

and that you may receive all Glory! Lord you have given Jim and myself a great blessing of journeying to find your child, Anna Grace to bring into our home to love, care for, and raise in your likeness. I pray that you guide our every step. Lord I pray your great protection over Anna Grace and her birthmother. 

The turbulence got worse...and worse. Fear started to creep into my heart and mind as my heart raced when my body would come off the seat as the plane was jolted in every direction, even down at times. The Lord filled my heart with a song "I will praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands". So in this physical storm, I refused to give in to Satan's attempts to fear me...I continued to pray...

Lord we know not if she is living with her mother, in an orphanage, or even conceived yet, but you know exactly where they are Lord. You know their very location. I pray that you hold them in the very same arms that you hold me. I pray you send your angels to create a hedge of protection and love around them. Guard and keep them from destruction, illness, pain, and sorrow. I pray that you fill Gracie's birthmother with a peace in choosing to give her up for adoption. May that very peace fill hear heart come from you. Fill any emptiness she has in this decision with your love, hope, and joy. As we pray for Anna Grace to be safe and healthy Lord, above all else we pray for your divine will and all for your great glory! Amen.

As I was praying and turbulence hit, I very clearly heard the Lord say "Satan is not happy about this journey of obedience you and Jim are on. He wants you to doubt me, He wants you to believe I am not there. He is not happy. He now wants you to face another of your greatest fears, thats why there is turbulence. Kelly I will protect you, I will keep you safe. Keep your eyes on me." I cannot tell you how afraid and fearful I wanted to be, but when we are face to face with one of our greatest fears whether it be a plane crashing, a broken marriage, losing a child, losing a job, or being on a boat in a storm like the disciples...we have a choice. We can turn to Satan and think that falling into our sin we will be protected from our fears or we can keep our eyes on Jesus.

We are home now, and most definitely back to reality...groceries to be bought, laundry to be done, and a child with pink eye in both eyes. BUT so thankful that God delivered us through our "storm". We had the pest control guy come out today, he wanted to do a free termite inspection. Long story short...he found moisture under our house and needs to do a few things that will total a $ amount with more zeroes than we'd prefer. I almost started laughing at him when he told us. Not because its a funny matter, because it certainly is not, but because I had expected this. We are scheduled to make several payments this week to Lifeline and Congo. I'm so excited our first payment to Congo is this week :) So...I find it humorous because Satan thinks that throwing in a some pricey "moisture" damage will stop this journey. He is wrong. How do you think the pest control guy would have taken it if I looked at him and said "Sorry Satan, you're still not winning this one". Guess its a good thing I just laughed to myself  instead.