I will not be moved

While on the long journey of adoption, there are so many things that can come up and cause a bump in the road or even opportunities to veer off the path and close the book. Jim and I have been very open with our family and friends about the whole thing. We have encouraged the questions. It does not hurt our feelings for you to ask questions, doubt, wonder, or even talk about us behind our back. Last night while on the phone with a very very precious person in my life I said "I want you to know that you can be completely vulnerable with us. You can ask those questions that you even shudder to think ran through your head. You can ask those questions you are embarrassed to ask or fearful of our response. Ask!" It was 6 years ago that Jim and I had our very first conversation about adoption. And here we are 6 years later beginning the journey. I would be completely insane to expect our family and friends to be 100% on board with us 1 month into hearing about it. I will give you a 6 year minimum to get where we are...thats the least I can do. So dont be afraid to ask, dont be afraid to wonder, dont be afraid to question us. The one thing that hurts so very deeply is not when you question or doubt or even talk about me, its when you doubt God. Often times you hear people say that faith is blind or faith is believing what you cannot see. I believe that faith is believing God while you can see. I believe that faith is delivering and holding your stillborn son and knowing that God is by your side and carrying you through. I believe that looking into the yuck of our world and still believing God has a greater plan and that he will receive glory is faith. So then, how can I not have faith that God will be with us every step of the way. Yes I will stumble, I will make mistakes, and I will surely face heartache. BUT I will not be moved from God's ever-present embrace. I told this very precious person last night that I would never wish upon anyone to lose a child, but I would hope and pray for everyone to come to a place where they cant help but run to God's arms and trust him wholeheartedly. That is what I pray for my family and my friends. That is what I pray for the Congolese Community. That is what I pray for you!

So where are we in this process...let me take a minute to catch you up

1-1-12    Application and Doctrinal Documents Sent and Application payment made

1-3-12    Doctrinal Documents re-sent

1-4-12    Congo chosen

1-5-12    Received the Congo manual and heard from our case worker, Maegan

1-6-12    Policies signed and turned in and 1^st Agency payment made

1-11-12  Orientation conference call

1-11-12  Copies of items for home study

1-13-12  1^st Home Study Visit, fingerprints taken, application, dhr forms and fingerprints sent to SBCN (Security Biometrics Clearing Network)

1-20-12  Fingerprints received by SBCN, First discussion on selling the car

1-21-12  Registered for Hague Intercountry Adoption Online training, registered for International Adoption Clinic seminar, and bought The Connected Child

1-23-12  Individual Home Study Interviews in Huntsville

1-25-12  Fingerprints waiting adjudication

1-27-12  Registered for UAB’s online International Adoption Seminar, Kelly completed Hague Training

1-31-12  Heard from our Lifeline worker that will be working with us through Congo

The next step is our final home study visit which is scheduled for mid-February.  

Right now we are completing our education and training. There are 2 online trainings that we have to complete and a book to read. They are very informational. They share the good, the bad, and the ugly. Lots of facts, statistics, and information. One of my favorite parts is watching videos of actual forever families and hearing them discuss their journey because it's real to them and it will be our reality.

Jim asked me last night if the conversation I had last night was good. My answer is yes! Did this precious person respond with 100% jubilation about our journey, no. But I was about to share my heart, share what God's done in my life, and give God all credit for what he has done...so for that reason...YES it was a great conversation!

On this Journey of Radical Faith

Monday, January 2, 2012

Radical Faith

We have been doing a faith study in our Sunday school class for several months now. Throughout the study, Jim and I have talked about what real faith looks like. We share a mutual desire to live radically on faith alone. But how does that happen? Are we suppose to quit our jobs, sell all our assets and walk the streets telling people about Jesus? I don’t know why we are ever surprised when we pray for God to open our eyes and he actually does. As the topic of adoption came up more and more in our conversation, the questions and doubt started to lure. How much is this going to cost? What if the boys don’t transition well? What if we have to wait 4 years? Are we capable of taking on a special needs child? What if the child we adopt passes away? What if the birth mother wants her child back? We prayed that God would give us an opportunity to live radically by faith alone…and he delivered. We submitted our application, doctrinal statement, and first payment last night at 4:52 pm to Lifeline. As we started researching where to start and what the first steps were, Lifeline was the only agency that continued popping into our minds. Perhaps it was because a friend of ours worked for them some time ago, or perhaps God is asking us to radically trust His plan. Since then, I messaged a dear friend to ask if I could use her as a reference, mentioning nothing about adoption. She inquired if it was about adoption because she had some friends she could reference me to. Long story short…her friends had just switched agencies…to Lifeline. As I’ve spent time looking at pictures on their website I have found that a close friend of Jim’s once dated a girl who works there now, and a lifelong friend of mine’s father is affiliated with their organization.  While Jim and I were in college, we attended the same church and the guy who led the praise band and his wife have been in the process of adopting, but I did not know with who….its Lifeline. Thank you Lord for giving us faith and giving us assurance over and over of your great plan! We don’t know what 2012 holds. We don’t know how the whole process works. But we do know we want to have radical faith and that our hope comes from Christ alone. To God be ALL glory!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

To my great surprise, we have already heard back from Lifeline. I had an email this morning from a delightful lady. Her words were so kind and encouraging. Unfortuantley, Satan is already schemeing. I’ve got news for him, not gonna work. The documents we submitted yesterday were not all able to be opened so she suggested I either scan and email them in or fax them. When I attempted to open the documents I had saved, some information was missing. Just a minor hiccup, nothing major or intimidating.

After applying, we had to designate whether we chose to pursue Domestic or International adoption. Jim and I have truly felt called to care for the kids who are uncared for…leaving us open to whoever needed the most help. After talking with one of Lifelines workers she explained to me that there are great needs in both areas..but there are parents waiting to adopt in the US where there are children waiting to be adopted in other countries. So, we chose International. The next step was choosing a country. Lifeline works with 13 countries that we had to choose from. How to choose…wow…what a task. You’re basically asking us to look at 13 countries, thousands among thousands of orphans, just a little overwhelmed. All my life I’ve wanted a little black baby, something I’ve told my parents for years. While pursuing my Elementary Education degree at Auburn I had the chance to study abroad in Port Elizabeth, Africa. I wanted to go, to make a long story short and spare feelings, I was unable to go. However, my desire and passion for Africa did not dwindle. I used Africa as one of my senior projects and incorporated African history into my lessons. Graduation was drawing near and everyone was scurrying around applying for jobs. During my Junior year I had the privilege of traveling to Brazil for a mission trip. While there, we worked with a NICS school (Network of International Christian Schools). These schools teach children of the embassy and can be found world-wide. So…my senior year, I applied to teach with NICS in Africa. I waited and waited and never heard back. In the meantime I had other interviews and even job offers. My heart continued to burn for Africa and I prayed that God’s divine will would be done and that he would give me discernment in knowing whether to turn down the job offers on the table and continue to wait or accept them. I waited until the last day of the offer and accepted a position in Auburn City Schools. The VERY NEXT DAY I received a call from NICS with a job offer. I was overwhelmed with greatfulness for the Lords promise and deliverance of timing. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was not time for me to teach in Africa. However, by being given the offer God said “Don’t close your heart to Africa….but its just not time now”. Desiring to be a Woman of my word I continued with the contract I had signed with Auburn, still feeling as if a little part of my heart was in Africa. We narrowed it down to three countries, wrote it on a sheet of paper and put it in front of the boys. We asked them where their brother or sister was and they both pointed to the Congo. So tomorrow we pursue international adoption with Congo.

Sweet Jesus, we thank you for your provision, guidance, and discernment. Thank you Lord for giving us direction and peace. We pray now Lord for our baby’s mother. Lord, keep her safe and protected. Guide her in her daily steps and guard her from harm and destruction. Sweet Jesus, I pray that you hold her in your warm embrace Lord and draw her near to you, Father I pray that through her pregnancy she feels a closeness to you like never before. If she does not know you personally, Father I pray that you tug on her heart and bring her to your kingdom. Bring her to know a freedom greater than any other. Thank you Lord for this gift, for this blessing. May all glory be to you Lord. Amen.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Who is your chosen one?

How do you make choices? How do you come to a conclusion? Decisions to be made. Some flip a coin, some use a “flip a coin” app. Some use a spinner. Some draw out of a hat. Some make a pro/con list. What do you do? How do you decide? Does it just happen? Do you just always know the answer instinctively? Do you consult your best friend? Your mom? How about your spouse? What if we lived in a world where everyone let their best friend make all the decisions for their life? Where would you be today? Where would I be today? Perhaps a better place…perhaps not as well off. Perhaps married to someone else. Who would you say knows the absolute most about you? God. He knows your ins and outs. He knows your talents, skills, and gifts. He knows your secrets, fears, and sins. He knows how many hairs are on your head and wrinkles in your skin. He knit you together in your mother’s womb. He knows you by name. So then, let me ask you…why would we take advice from anyone but Him? Why would we let others change our minds, change our path, or alter our direction?

^“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

        

Choosing a Gift

Although I still possess many OCD tendencies, I have found myself forced into MOB Survival Mode many times. If its not leaking, overflowing, bleeding, or at risk of death we will fix, mend, clean, or deal with it later. For those of you who don't know what MOB Survival Mode is...let me take a minute to try and explain. It's Mother of Boys Survival Mode. And the key here is the (s) in Boys...multiple boys. When my mother in law found out Logan was a boy she said "It wont be long before you are amazed how quickly two boys can tear down a deck, make plans, and build a fort out of the wood all in the time you take the laundry out of the dryer". Of course I laughed...and I'm still laughing. We haven't had any forts built yet, but we have had 7 sticks of butter exfoliate our carpet and an extra large custom black sharpie mural. I am very thankful for the OCD moments God still allows me to have, but there are things that just don't get done when your in MOB mode. One thing that did not get done for us this year is Christmas cards. If you know me personally you know how big of a deal Christmas cards are to me. I cherish the ones I receive in the mail. I keep them year to year in a flip book so we can enjoy them over the years. I plan months ahead what we will do for our Christmas card pictures, where they will be, when they will be, what we will wear, what the card will say, etc. But alas, they did not get done this year. However, we did have a joyful Christmas. We thoroughly enjoyed all the time Jim was home with us and all the family we got to see. We have thanked our sweet Lord over and over and will continue to thank him for sparing us from the stomach bug this season. The last 4 Christmases we have had the bug so to be able to love on each other celebrating our Lords birth germ-free was a true delight and blessing for our family.

I read on a blog....and I really wish I could remember where so I could give credit so if you know what I'm referencing please leave a comment so I can give appropriate credit. Anyway, I read on a blog where a family was preparing for their Happy Birthday Jesus party when the child looked at her mother and said "Mommy, since it's Jesus' birthday, what are we giving him?" WOW! Once again....the blessing that children are to adults, to have minds like a child. So long story short, the parents got catalogs for various organizations and foundations such as Compassion International. At Christmas time they put out catalogs full of items you can purchase for missionaries, missions, etc. So, now this family sits together and shops through catalogs to see what they are giving Jesus for his birthday....100 mosquito nets, a pallet of food, eye glasses, clean running water. How wonderful! Reading that blog stirred my heart and I think its a great idea. Jim and I plan to incorporate the same "catalog shopping" into our celebration next year. But what about now? What can I give Jesus every day?

A while back, our Sunday School class studied The Five Love Languages which is a fabulous book by the way! (We plan to study it again in our class soon since we have so many new people since we last studied it) Jim and I learned a lot from this book, but one thing that sticks out the most to me still relates to when you give gifts. Gary Chapman suggests that you give people gifts through their love language, what they would desire rather than what you want to give them or what you think they need. This has always been a funny topic in our marriage. Jim is a very practical individual and me, not so much. Jim gives very practical gifts. I like to give sentimental or fun gifts. So......the year I opened 13 bottles of my favorite lotion and 60 of my razor blades for Christmas, I knew it was time for us to read the book! So...if we give based on Gary's suggestion...what would we give Jesus? Are we currently giving him what we think he needs? What we think he wants us to do? What we think he wants us to say? Or are we giving him what he wants? Are we saying what he wants us to say? Are we acting and responding as he desires us to do? Are we on the journey we desire for ourselves or the journey God has created for us?

Sweet Lord as we enter this new year...may my heart, soul, and all my being live to honor you and give you all glory. May your desires for my life become the desires of my heart. Lord I long to take this journey with you, where you lead me I will follow. Amen.

Wiggle Worm

I've heard stories through the years about how I was the "wiggle worm" of the family. Always squirming and never in one spot for very long. God must have a sense of humor because from what I hear, there is a lot of me in our lively Logan and if you know him, you know he is everything but still. Even as an adult, I tend to be a "wiggle worm" in some sorts. Always jumping from one project to the next, proposing a million ideas at one time, volunteering for this and that, and multi-tasking at its finest. So it's easy to conclude that I'm all but still. Why be still and calm when I can get so much more checked off my list if I'm going and doing? If I'm still then nothing get accomplished, right? Over the last couple of weeks, my desires have changed. My drive to get things checked of my list has gone to the way-side and I have found myself more still and calm than I ever have been in my entire life. It has also been in this still time that God has revealed some of the beauty of his great mystery to me. Not on my checklist of things to do or learn, but of far greater value than anything on my list. So maybe there is something to this being "still" thing after all. 

"Be still, and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10

In a land far, far away

For whatever reason, my mind's energy has been extremely eventful lately while I sleep. My night is either full of nightmares or dreams occurring in places far away. I choose not to rehash my nightmares through this blog as they all refer to the events of the last month and are extremely painful each time I think of them. On the flip-side, some nights I have dreams that I am in places far away completely surrounded with people I do not know. It is as if I am living another life. In my dreams, I know nothing other than the life I have in this far away land. Each dream is one in itself and not related to the others. Some dreams have carried me to the highest point of snow topped mountains and others have taken me to an uninhabited tropical oasis. I think it is nothing shy of genius that we have so many examples of polar opposites in our world, God knew his plan. Night/day, male/female, love/hate, good/evil, nightmare/dream etc. I believe that if we were not exposed to the extreme opposite of what we treasure, the value of that which we treasure would possibly fade or diminish. If we had sunny days all day, every day, then would we possibly become numb to the warmth and beauty of the sun? Now, think about the first day our temperatures hit the 70's after the winter....where do you find everyone? Outside. What is everyone talking about? How beautiful the weather is and how good it feels. After the season of a cold, wet, winter, the sun feels perfectly wonderful and we cannot soak it in enough. Therefore, in this situation, the opposites of weather have reminded us of the joy that sun and warmth brings giving us more of a thankful and appreciative mindset. So is it possible that as life ticks by, we take advantage of the ease in everyday life. Everything seems to be going pretty well. I'm blessed with a great marriage, two precious boys, a wonderful job that I get to do because I want to, not because I have to, an adorable dog, fantastic friends, and a loving family. Life is good. Is it possible that we forget the value in these things? Is it possible we forget the value of the creator of all these things? Is it possible that we forget the value of life? Is it possible that we forget the value of true love? Is it possible that we forget the value of sacrifice? Is it possible that we forget the original plan for life on this earth? So, what if God, in his perfect plan, uses the opposite of the good life to bring back the value? That opposite being heartache. 

Change of plans

Today we had planned to have a Gender Reveal party for our family. We figured by the 3rd child we needed to do something extra fun to get everyone pumped up about having another little one running around, making a mess, and tearing into everything. Everyone marked their calendars and my sweet sister even took some time off work so she could be here in plenty of time since she was traveling from out of town.  I had my food, decoration, and reveal ideas all organized and fine-tuned. The only thing that needed to happen was have the ultrasound. We didn't get to have our Gender Reveal party today, but we did have a mini party the other day.

Over the last two weeks I have submerged myself in recipe hunting. I have cooked new recipes each night with a wide variety of meals, some hearty and some healthy. I guess cooking is the only thing I feel like I can be in control of right now while my heart and emotions are so out of control. Which is also the reason, I think, that Jim has declined so many meals from our loving friends. Cooking each night has been the one thing I've looked forward to each day. One night, I decided to make the Chocolate Coke Cake. While I was preparing the batter, Parker walked up and said "Mommy...what are you making? A cake?" And before I could even respond, Parker lit up with glee and continued, "OH a BIRTHDAY cake!" I paused for a minute and then answered back, "Yes Parker, do you want to help Mommy make a birthday cake for Harrison?" He quickly answered, "YES YES YES!" The conversation continued and Parker assured me that Harrison wanted a Spiderman cake, but that he couldn't have a monster cake because that was Parker's favorite. We all watched the cake bake in the oven and patiently (some more than others) waited for the cake to cool. I let the boys pick out the birthday candles and decide how many candles we needed for the cake. Without hesitation, Parker said, "3, we need 3 candles". I like to think that Parker chose 3 candles, one for each of them, Parker, Logan, and Harrison. Or perhaps it's because Parker is 3 and he didn't understand it wasn't for him. For whatever the reason he chose 3, in that moment, in that very moment I was reminded of the trinity, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. So thank you Lord for my Parker choosing 3 and reminding me of your love, sacrifice, and grace! And then we sang. We sang Happy Birthday to Harrison. 

Plans change. Whether it be a party being cancelled, baking a cake, or loosing a child...plans can change. Dear Lord, I pray today that in all my planning I seek you first and that your will would be my plan for each and every day. Thank you sweet sweet Jesus for your grace and mercy. I pray God that my heart will bleed for you and that this life you have blessed me with will live to glorify you.