I will not be moved

While on the long journey of adoption, there are so many things that can come up and cause a bump in the road or even opportunities to veer off the path and close the book. Jim and I have been very open with our family and friends about the whole thing. We have encouraged the questions. It does not hurt our feelings for you to ask questions, doubt, wonder, or even talk about us behind our back. Last night while on the phone with a very very precious person in my life I said "I want you to know that you can be completely vulnerable with us. You can ask those questions that you even shudder to think ran through your head. You can ask those questions you are embarrassed to ask or fearful of our response. Ask!" It was 6 years ago that Jim and I had our very first conversation about adoption. And here we are 6 years later beginning the journey. I would be completely insane to expect our family and friends to be 100% on board with us 1 month into hearing about it. I will give you a 6 year minimum to get where we are...thats the least I can do. So dont be afraid to ask, dont be afraid to wonder, dont be afraid to question us. The one thing that hurts so very deeply is not when you question or doubt or even talk about me, its when you doubt God. Often times you hear people say that faith is blind or faith is believing what you cannot see. I believe that faith is believing God while you can see. I believe that faith is delivering and holding your stillborn son and knowing that God is by your side and carrying you through. I believe that looking into the yuck of our world and still believing God has a greater plan and that he will receive glory is faith. So then, how can I not have faith that God will be with us every step of the way. Yes I will stumble, I will make mistakes, and I will surely face heartache. BUT I will not be moved from God's ever-present embrace. I told this very precious person last night that I would never wish upon anyone to lose a child, but I would hope and pray for everyone to come to a place where they cant help but run to God's arms and trust him wholeheartedly. That is what I pray for my family and my friends. That is what I pray for the Congolese Community. That is what I pray for you!

So where are we in this process...let me take a minute to catch you up

1-1-12    Application and Doctrinal Documents Sent and Application payment made

1-3-12    Doctrinal Documents re-sent

1-4-12    Congo chosen

1-5-12    Received the Congo manual and heard from our case worker, Maegan

1-6-12    Policies signed and turned in and 1^st Agency payment made

1-11-12  Orientation conference call

1-11-12  Copies of items for home study

1-13-12  1^st Home Study Visit, fingerprints taken, application, dhr forms and fingerprints sent to SBCN (Security Biometrics Clearing Network)

1-20-12  Fingerprints received by SBCN, First discussion on selling the car

1-21-12  Registered for Hague Intercountry Adoption Online training, registered for International Adoption Clinic seminar, and bought The Connected Child

1-23-12  Individual Home Study Interviews in Huntsville

1-25-12  Fingerprints waiting adjudication

1-27-12  Registered for UAB’s online International Adoption Seminar, Kelly completed Hague Training

1-31-12  Heard from our Lifeline worker that will be working with us through Congo

The next step is our final home study visit which is scheduled for mid-February.  

Right now we are completing our education and training. There are 2 online trainings that we have to complete and a book to read. They are very informational. They share the good, the bad, and the ugly. Lots of facts, statistics, and information. One of my favorite parts is watching videos of actual forever families and hearing them discuss their journey because it's real to them and it will be our reality.

Jim asked me last night if the conversation I had last night was good. My answer is yes! Did this precious person respond with 100% jubilation about our journey, no. But I was about to share my heart, share what God's done in my life, and give God all credit for what he has done...so for that reason...YES it was a great conversation!

Pull up a chair

So thankful for a moment I can sit down and write. God is so good! I have not had time to sit so I've kept notes of the many things I wanted to write about, so I hope you'll pull up a chair as I scratch things off my list I want to put into words :)

Two Sundays ago I stayed home with Parker and Logan while Jim went to church. Both boys had been battling a high fever and ear infections so we nestled in at home. As I folded laundry I listened to one of John Piper's sermons "Bloodlines to Bloodline". I hope you will take 30 minutes to listen to the message of God through John Piper. If you cant right now for whatever reason, I hope you will put it on your to-do list for later. I feel as though the very things God has laid on my heart he spoke through the mouth of Piper.

From Bloodlines to Bloodline

 As a mother of boys I often find myself talking to myself saying "Goodness gracious, what is it going to take for them to 'get it'? What am I going to have to do for them to understand what I'm trying to teach them?" As I was straightening my hair one morning, I found myself having that thought and while looking in the mirror I was overcome with the presence of God as I was looking in the mirror and felt very strongly that HE was saying that very thing to me, "my daughter Kelly, what am I going to have to do for you to understand what I want you to know? What is it going to take for you to get it?" Thank you Jesus for opening my eyes to see and hear this! I believe that often times we, as Christians, wonder why in the world the God that supposedly died for us and loves us would allow such tragedy, heartache, sorrow into our lives. Perhaps such things would not happen if we would "get it" when God was trying to speak to us. As I look back on August 25th, I know for a fact now, that God was trying to talk to Jim and myself, he wanted us to earnestly know, love, and appreciate his grace! What is he trying to tell you? What does he want you to know? What is it going to take for you to "get it"?

God has been so good to us! God has opened our eyes to see the blessings in others lives. Jim and I thoroughly enjoy seeing God's hand work in the hearts of our friends and family. What a joy to be able to rejoice with these people as they give God all the glory. It's a blessing to us to be able to see this! I think its so easy to look at other peoples lives and think "well they sure are blessed, they have this, they have that, this hasnt happened to them, blah blah blah" but what a sour attitude that is! Why would we NOT rejoice with our friends when God is real to them, answering prayers for them, and being real to them. I cannot tell you what a joy it is to be able to hear of such joys! My friends, you know who you are, we rejoice with you in your obedience to the Lord and his blessings on you and your family! I pray that the Lord continue to humble and grow you! We are truly blessed to have you in our life!

My sweet friends in bible study have heard me share this already so just hang in there for a minute if you've already heard this. BUT...to those who havent... something I've struggled with all my life is fear. Fear of this, fear of that...you name it! I honestly started to feel like something was wrong with me. I would have people say "well just face your fear and you'll get over it" or "well that doesnt make sense, it doesnt bother me at all". It wasnt until the beginning of 2011 that I realized that fear was straight from Satan. I began fervently praying that God would free me from this fear. There is a song that I feel perfectly expresses how I felt. Chris Tomlin's Amazing Grace (Chains are Gone). I truly have felt for so long that I was captured in chains of fear. Held captive in fear. Prisoner of fear. Thats the best way to describe it. I am so thankful that God ransomed me from this fear. He has cut my chains and I'm free, I'm no longer held bondage. My friends that's what the blood of Christ is! He sets us free! What are your chains? What is holding you bondage? What has you held captive? Is it fear? Doubt? Worry? Anxiety? I have truly read so many self-help books, worked through 5 step programs, etc to try and escape it. And I will tell you that there is  nothing greater than the blood of Christ. 


As I sit and pray over the requests of dear friends and family my heart is flooded with all the "yuck" of the world we live in. Depression, illness, divorce, tragedy, death, addiction, fears, etc. There are so many reasons to be afraid, fearful, doubtful, and anxious. But the joy in this all is that the Lord tells us not to be afraid. As we walk this journey of adoption there are so many fears and wonders that pop into our minds and our conversations. Many fears that have built walls between family relationships. Fears that have tried so hard to stop us on our journey. Fears that have given us many opportunities to detour and veer away from adoption. Fears that have made us think 3,4, and 5 times before going on. In Deuteronomy, Moses speaks to Israel and tells them to not fear because God has gone before them "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6 So why then, should I fear? What is my fear based on? Do I not trust God is greater than my fears? What is your fear? Do you not believe that God is greater than your fear? There are so many things and people in our lives that try to justify our fears. May be friends, society, or even dear family. We have to be sure that we listen to God's voice, the voice of truth!


Thank you sweet Lord for loving us. Thank you for the grace and oh so sweet mercy that you have on us! We pray Lord that you open our hearts and minds to your will and desire for our life. Thank you Lord for asking us to step out of the boat into the rough waters where you are. Lord fill us with a desire so great to be with you that we will see your face over the rough waters around us and that the waters will not stop us from growing closer to you. I pray now for those reading this blog. Lord fill them with your holy presence. Grow the flame in their hearts to burn so high for you it is an uncontainable joy. Give them opportunities to live your love! Thank you Lord for dying for us and giving us life on this Earth. I pray that we will daily give our lives back to you. Fill our hearts, minds, and souls with your loving strength and endurance to face the woes of every day on this earth. But above all these things I request Lord, I pray that you be glorified in it all! Amen.

Do Everything

Jim and I had a “discussion” earlier today that ended with me (in a very kind tone I’m sure) saying “well if you want to rest your life away, that’s your choice”. So I went on my merry way checking things off my to-do list. While checking things off I took advantage of the quiet alone time I had and talked with the Lord.  My continual prayer today has been that God would be glorified in every step of our every day, whether that had to do with adoption or not. I do not want the actual adoption to ever come to a point where it consumes our heart, mind, or mouths more than our desire to glorify God. If our motive for this journey ever changes from glorifying God to adoption alone then our motive has turned toxic. So please pray with us that God will protect our hearts and keep them pure along this journey. It was not far into my prayer that the Lord heavily convicted me of my words to Jim “well if you want to rest your life away, that’s your choice”. God asked me “Kelly…do you want to “check off” your life away…that’s your choice.” WOW! YES Wow! Thank you sweet Jesus for speaking straight to me and showing me the black, stinky, sticky, tar on my heart. So friend I ask you:

Do you want to rest your life away?

Do you want to “check off” your life away?

Do you want to gossip your life away?

Do you want to work your life away?

Do you want to covet your life away?

Do you want to eat your life away?

Do you want to clean your life away?

Do you want to shop your life away?

Do you want to in-debt your life away?

Do you want to “one up” your life away?

Do you want to read your life away?

Do you want to depress your life away?

Do you want to lie your life away?

Do you want to regret your life away?

Do you want to steal your life away?

Do you want to sin your life away?

Do you want to “pin” your life away?
Do you want to facebook your life away?

Do you want to hunt your life away?

Do you want to drink your life away?

Do you want to wish your life away?

Do you want to decorate your life away?

Do you want to party your life away?

OR

Do you want to disciple your life away?

I think its safe to say that what consumes our minds and how we spend our spare time is a good indicator of how we want our life to “go away”. It is inevitable, our life on Earth will come to an end at some point. When we get to the end and look back what would you rather be saying:

“Lord I had parties to plan, things to buy, and so many new recipes to try, but I really didn’t get to that discipling thing. BUT I did have a really clean house and read a lot of books on what it meant to be a disciple and went to church every Sunday, Sunday night, and Wednesday.”

OR

“Lord thank you for giving me this life on Earth. I have never been worthy of living up to your name but Father I love you and I told everyone I know of your great love and grace. I was not able to drive the newest car or pay for all the extra activities for my children, but Lord I pray my children continue to grow in your will and love for you”

Am I saying you shouldn’t try new recipes and that you should have a dirty house and drive a clunker? No…what I am saying is that every step you take, every word you speak, every action you make, every purchase you make do it for the Glory of the Lord. If we are married we have a lifelong opportunity to live with and disciple our spouse. If we have children we have a lifelong opportunity to live with and disciple our kids. If we are single we have a lifelong opportunity to reach out and disciple neighbors, friends, and strangers.  It is so hard to be single in our society today. Yes I know that is awkward coming out of the mouth of a married lady with kids, but please bear with me. Living a life of faith is not easy…there will be bumps, obstacles, and hard times…Jim and I are there right now. Single friends consider this time of singleness your mission field. Kick Satan in the booty and show him who is boss. Take those free hours you have and don’t drown in the lonely, but rest in the hope in how God can use that time in your life for his glory. Ask him…he will show you! God is not a God of sadness, loneliness, fear, anxiety, or depression. He IS a God of hope, peace, and love…soak it in friends!

I have been struggling with something this week, that I will share more about later on, but I got a text from my sister this morning that quoted a song from Steven Curtis Chapman…she had no clue what I had been struggling with. Thank you Christine…God IS using you! And now, this afternoon, this song is being passed on to you. Remember this song as you do all the things you do however you choose to live your life away.

So thank you Jim for choosing to rest today and thank you Lord for using our “discussion” for your glory and open my eyes. And I’m so sorry Jim if my “kind tone” did not come across so kind J I’m so blessed that God chose you to live this wonderful, beautiful, crazy thing called life with me!

  

I refuse.....

I refuse to claim ignorance any longer...let me back up for a minute and explain to you where I'm coming from. On August 25th, 2011 we unexpectedly delivered our third son, Harrison...stillborn. If you do not know the whole story and would like to read about that journey in our life, you can click HERE to read from the beginning. It was most definitely the hardest challenge we have faced in our life thus far. It was also most definitely a time in my life that I could never get through without Gods grace and love. And I joyfully tell you that it was most definitely a time in my life when I felt the closest to God and Jim than I ever have. And for those things, I can tell you now that I am thankful! So now back to ignorance. I would truly be ignorant to reflect back on my life and not be in shambles before God's feet offering him everything, my life, my family, my all. God is the one and only way we survived losing our son. So why would we not give him our all? Are we truly that ignorant as a body of believers? As believers are we living ignorantly? I do not want to live that way anymore. I do not want to live anymore not acknowledging all that God has done and given up for us. He gave up his Son so that we may have life. He gave up his Son so that our sins would be forgiven. If you can read those words and it doesnt change your life then I think there are bigger concerns in your life. Where is your faith? What is it based on? What is "your" Christianity made of? Are you a Christian? When you truly get to a point of grasping what it means that God sent his ONE AND ONLY Son to lay down his life for us...you will be changed. You cannot help but be changed, unless that is you are ignorant. God tells us that we are not to be OF this world but IN IT "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2. We are to be IN the world because he sent us here for his purpose and plan. "Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us." 1 Peter 2:12 We are to live our lives so that others can see God through our lives. We play no role in this thing called life. It is not about us, period, end of story. It is all about God. And if we are living lives that are about us then we are living self-righteously, therefore not in the will of God. So...if we drive cars, wear clothes, buy houses, plan parties, gossip continuously, take charge, lead groups, or do anything so people will look at us and think "oh they are so talented", "I wish I was like her/him", "they are lucky", "how fortunate they are", or so that we will fit in, then we are living in sin and we are living for the wrong reasons and we are living OF and this world. That is NOT what God has called Christians to do. I will be the first person to tell you that I am guilty. I am guilty of living like this in the past, I have wanted people to think those things in their heads or even tell me those things. I pray that God will have grace on me and forgive me of those times. I pray that as my weak grows flesh at any point in the future that His grace will still flow over me and forgive me again and again. But I'm tired of that. I dont want to be just like everyone else in this world. I want people to know why I am where I am today. I want people to know that it is truly by Gods loving grace and mercy that I am where I am. As a human I am incapapable of being where I am. As a human I have failed all my friends and family and I will again.
^"15 Then He said to them, “Beware, and be on your guard against every form of greed; for not even when one has an abundance does his life consist of his possessions.” ¹⁶ And He told them a parable, saying, “The land of a rich man was very productive. ¹⁷ And he began reasoning to himself, saying, ‘What shall I do, since I have no place to store my crops?’ ¹⁸ Then he said, ‘This is what I will do: I will tear down my barns and build larger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. ¹⁹ And I will say to my soul, “Soul, you have many goods laid up for many years to come; take your ease, eat, drink and be merry.”’ ²⁰ But God said to him, ‘You fool! This very night ^[a]your soul is required of you; and now who will own what you have prepared?’ ²¹ So is the man who stores up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God.”
 ²² And He said to His disciples, “For this reason I say to you, ^[b]do not worry about your ^[c]life, as to what you will eat; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. ²³ For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. ²⁴ Consider the ravens, for they neither sow nor reap; they have no storeroom nor barn, and yet God feeds them; how much more valuable you are than the birds! ²⁵ And which of you by worrying can add a single ^[d]hour to his ^[e]life’s span? ²⁶ If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters? ²⁷ Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. ²⁸ But if God so clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you? You men of little faith! ²⁹ And do not seek what you will eat and what you will drink, and do not keep worrying. ³⁰ For ^[f]all these things the nations of the world eagerly seek; but your Father knows that you need these things. ³¹ But seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to you. ³² Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom." Luke 12:15-32

So to answer the question...why adopt? I have only one way to answer. When I look at my life and what God has done for us, what God has gotten us through, and how God has blessed us, how can I not choose to give my whole life back to Him? How can I not choose to give him glory in every aspect, every step we take. And if God says...take this journey of adoption, go to Congo then my answer is "Yes. Yes Lord we will follow you and God may you receive the glory every step of the way, here is our life Lord it is yours".  I challenge you friend, wherever you are in life, surrender to our Lord. Your life will look different when you surrender. Your marriage will look different when you surrender. Your friendships will look different.  Your priorities will look different. One of the greatest blessings God has given me is a husband who loves the Lord. While Jim and I were dating in Auburn, Jim worked for Foy Student Union. Sometimes he worked the call desk overnight and would send me long emails at odd hours of the night. In one of these emails he said "my desire is for you to love the Lord more than you ever love me" and at that point I knew I wanted to marry him. Jim has challenged me in my faith and walk with Christ. He challenges me to not only read God's word but LIVE God's word. I am so thankful for a spouse like this. I can only pray that I challenge him in the same way. Maybe you have a spouse like this already, but maybe you dont. If you do, I pray that you continually challenge each other and thank the Lord for blessing you so. If you dont, I pray that you will challenge yourself and pray for your spouse and thank the Lord for giving you a spouse to pray for. And if youre not married, I pray that you will be praying for your future spouse wherever they are and thank the Lord that he is giving you this opportunity to pray for them before you even meet them. Prayer is so powerful friends and I hope you know what a privilege and honor it is that we have to even be able to pray!

On this Journey of Radical Faith

Monday, January 2, 2012

Radical Faith

We have been doing a faith study in our Sunday school class for several months now. Throughout the study, Jim and I have talked about what real faith looks like. We share a mutual desire to live radically on faith alone. But how does that happen? Are we suppose to quit our jobs, sell all our assets and walk the streets telling people about Jesus? I don’t know why we are ever surprised when we pray for God to open our eyes and he actually does. As the topic of adoption came up more and more in our conversation, the questions and doubt started to lure. How much is this going to cost? What if the boys don’t transition well? What if we have to wait 4 years? Are we capable of taking on a special needs child? What if the child we adopt passes away? What if the birth mother wants her child back? We prayed that God would give us an opportunity to live radically by faith alone…and he delivered. We submitted our application, doctrinal statement, and first payment last night at 4:52 pm to Lifeline. As we started researching where to start and what the first steps were, Lifeline was the only agency that continued popping into our minds. Perhaps it was because a friend of ours worked for them some time ago, or perhaps God is asking us to radically trust His plan. Since then, I messaged a dear friend to ask if I could use her as a reference, mentioning nothing about adoption. She inquired if it was about adoption because she had some friends she could reference me to. Long story short…her friends had just switched agencies…to Lifeline. As I’ve spent time looking at pictures on their website I have found that a close friend of Jim’s once dated a girl who works there now, and a lifelong friend of mine’s father is affiliated with their organization.  While Jim and I were in college, we attended the same church and the guy who led the praise band and his wife have been in the process of adopting, but I did not know with who….its Lifeline. Thank you Lord for giving us faith and giving us assurance over and over of your great plan! We don’t know what 2012 holds. We don’t know how the whole process works. But we do know we want to have radical faith and that our hope comes from Christ alone. To God be ALL glory!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

To my great surprise, we have already heard back from Lifeline. I had an email this morning from a delightful lady. Her words were so kind and encouraging. Unfortuantley, Satan is already schemeing. I’ve got news for him, not gonna work. The documents we submitted yesterday were not all able to be opened so she suggested I either scan and email them in or fax them. When I attempted to open the documents I had saved, some information was missing. Just a minor hiccup, nothing major or intimidating.

After applying, we had to designate whether we chose to pursue Domestic or International adoption. Jim and I have truly felt called to care for the kids who are uncared for…leaving us open to whoever needed the most help. After talking with one of Lifelines workers she explained to me that there are great needs in both areas..but there are parents waiting to adopt in the US where there are children waiting to be adopted in other countries. So, we chose International. The next step was choosing a country. Lifeline works with 13 countries that we had to choose from. How to choose…wow…what a task. You’re basically asking us to look at 13 countries, thousands among thousands of orphans, just a little overwhelmed. All my life I’ve wanted a little black baby, something I’ve told my parents for years. While pursuing my Elementary Education degree at Auburn I had the chance to study abroad in Port Elizabeth, Africa. I wanted to go, to make a long story short and spare feelings, I was unable to go. However, my desire and passion for Africa did not dwindle. I used Africa as one of my senior projects and incorporated African history into my lessons. Graduation was drawing near and everyone was scurrying around applying for jobs. During my Junior year I had the privilege of traveling to Brazil for a mission trip. While there, we worked with a NICS school (Network of International Christian Schools). These schools teach children of the embassy and can be found world-wide. So…my senior year, I applied to teach with NICS in Africa. I waited and waited and never heard back. In the meantime I had other interviews and even job offers. My heart continued to burn for Africa and I prayed that God’s divine will would be done and that he would give me discernment in knowing whether to turn down the job offers on the table and continue to wait or accept them. I waited until the last day of the offer and accepted a position in Auburn City Schools. The VERY NEXT DAY I received a call from NICS with a job offer. I was overwhelmed with greatfulness for the Lords promise and deliverance of timing. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was not time for me to teach in Africa. However, by being given the offer God said “Don’t close your heart to Africa….but its just not time now”. Desiring to be a Woman of my word I continued with the contract I had signed with Auburn, still feeling as if a little part of my heart was in Africa. We narrowed it down to three countries, wrote it on a sheet of paper and put it in front of the boys. We asked them where their brother or sister was and they both pointed to the Congo. So tomorrow we pursue international adoption with Congo.

Sweet Jesus, we thank you for your provision, guidance, and discernment. Thank you Lord for giving us direction and peace. We pray now Lord for our baby’s mother. Lord, keep her safe and protected. Guide her in her daily steps and guard her from harm and destruction. Sweet Jesus, I pray that you hold her in your warm embrace Lord and draw her near to you, Father I pray that through her pregnancy she feels a closeness to you like never before. If she does not know you personally, Father I pray that you tug on her heart and bring her to your kingdom. Bring her to know a freedom greater than any other. Thank you Lord for this gift, for this blessing. May all glory be to you Lord. Amen.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Who is your chosen one?

How do you make choices? How do you come to a conclusion? Decisions to be made. Some flip a coin, some use a “flip a coin” app. Some use a spinner. Some draw out of a hat. Some make a pro/con list. What do you do? How do you decide? Does it just happen? Do you just always know the answer instinctively? Do you consult your best friend? Your mom? How about your spouse? What if we lived in a world where everyone let their best friend make all the decisions for their life? Where would you be today? Where would I be today? Perhaps a better place…perhaps not as well off. Perhaps married to someone else. Who would you say knows the absolute most about you? God. He knows your ins and outs. He knows your talents, skills, and gifts. He knows your secrets, fears, and sins. He knows how many hairs are on your head and wrinkles in your skin. He knit you together in your mother’s womb. He knows you by name. So then, let me ask you…why would we take advice from anyone but Him? Why would we let others change our minds, change our path, or alter our direction?

^“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

        

Choosing a Gift

Although I still possess many OCD tendencies, I have found myself forced into MOB Survival Mode many times. If its not leaking, overflowing, bleeding, or at risk of death we will fix, mend, clean, or deal with it later. For those of you who don't know what MOB Survival Mode is...let me take a minute to try and explain. It's Mother of Boys Survival Mode. And the key here is the (s) in Boys...multiple boys. When my mother in law found out Logan was a boy she said "It wont be long before you are amazed how quickly two boys can tear down a deck, make plans, and build a fort out of the wood all in the time you take the laundry out of the dryer". Of course I laughed...and I'm still laughing. We haven't had any forts built yet, but we have had 7 sticks of butter exfoliate our carpet and an extra large custom black sharpie mural. I am very thankful for the OCD moments God still allows me to have, but there are things that just don't get done when your in MOB mode. One thing that did not get done for us this year is Christmas cards. If you know me personally you know how big of a deal Christmas cards are to me. I cherish the ones I receive in the mail. I keep them year to year in a flip book so we can enjoy them over the years. I plan months ahead what we will do for our Christmas card pictures, where they will be, when they will be, what we will wear, what the card will say, etc. But alas, they did not get done this year. However, we did have a joyful Christmas. We thoroughly enjoyed all the time Jim was home with us and all the family we got to see. We have thanked our sweet Lord over and over and will continue to thank him for sparing us from the stomach bug this season. The last 4 Christmases we have had the bug so to be able to love on each other celebrating our Lords birth germ-free was a true delight and blessing for our family.

I read on a blog....and I really wish I could remember where so I could give credit so if you know what I'm referencing please leave a comment so I can give appropriate credit. Anyway, I read on a blog where a family was preparing for their Happy Birthday Jesus party when the child looked at her mother and said "Mommy, since it's Jesus' birthday, what are we giving him?" WOW! Once again....the blessing that children are to adults, to have minds like a child. So long story short, the parents got catalogs for various organizations and foundations such as Compassion International. At Christmas time they put out catalogs full of items you can purchase for missionaries, missions, etc. So, now this family sits together and shops through catalogs to see what they are giving Jesus for his birthday....100 mosquito nets, a pallet of food, eye glasses, clean running water. How wonderful! Reading that blog stirred my heart and I think its a great idea. Jim and I plan to incorporate the same "catalog shopping" into our celebration next year. But what about now? What can I give Jesus every day?

A while back, our Sunday School class studied The Five Love Languages which is a fabulous book by the way! (We plan to study it again in our class soon since we have so many new people since we last studied it) Jim and I learned a lot from this book, but one thing that sticks out the most to me still relates to when you give gifts. Gary Chapman suggests that you give people gifts through their love language, what they would desire rather than what you want to give them or what you think they need. This has always been a funny topic in our marriage. Jim is a very practical individual and me, not so much. Jim gives very practical gifts. I like to give sentimental or fun gifts. So......the year I opened 13 bottles of my favorite lotion and 60 of my razor blades for Christmas, I knew it was time for us to read the book! So...if we give based on Gary's suggestion...what would we give Jesus? Are we currently giving him what we think he needs? What we think he wants us to do? What we think he wants us to say? Or are we giving him what he wants? Are we saying what he wants us to say? Are we acting and responding as he desires us to do? Are we on the journey we desire for ourselves or the journey God has created for us?

Sweet Lord as we enter this new year...may my heart, soul, and all my being live to honor you and give you all glory. May your desires for my life become the desires of my heart. Lord I long to take this journey with you, where you lead me I will follow. Amen.

No Mistakes

It's interesting to look back over the past 2+ months and reflect on the various ways that I can now see I was trying to "get through the day". I so badly didn't want to hurt or cry anymore, but at the same time I did not want to forget. I immersed myself in new recipes, projects, playing with the boys more, changing my work schedule etc. etc. And at some point I even quit blogging. For whatever reason, I felt these changes might change other circumstances. I thought that if I could change things from how they were to something new it would be different. Somehow I thought they may change what happened. I think I subconsciously had that thought in the back of my mind because it doesn't take a genius to figure out that it doesn't work that way. 

Everybody has moved on. Friends and family aren't tip-toeing around me anymore. The doctor isn't calling me every week to check in. I don't have any more doctor appointments coming up. So it's at this point that I wonder, "Why Lord not me? Why can't I go a single day without thinking about my angel? Why is it still vivid? Why does my heart still break at times? Have I not learned what you wanted to show me? Is the lesson not over?" But that's where I am wrong. Our God is not a past tense God, he is a present tense God. Continually and consistently living, loving, and teaching. So perhaps loosing Harrison is something God will continually and consistently use to teach me and grow me, in that I hope.

I have searched and searched for a specific reason why God allowed this to happen in our lives. I was convinced that I would check the mail and have a handwritten letter from God, postmarked Heaven where He laid out the details for me. I had even decided I would settle for a verse or a song, maybe a burning bush, or squirrel that talked to me. I've searched scripture, I've listened to songs, I've been on my knees, time and time again. I have yet to find the answer I was seeking, but I have learned time and time again that God deserves all glory all the time. It has been so real to me realizing that each of us who were sent into this world have a life story written by our Savior. There is no room for editing. It is what it is....and it is God's great plan, it needs no editing. I have one choice, and that choice is to man-up and live this life, custom written for me, giving God glory in all aspects, stages, situations, and moments. It is by God's great grace and mercy that He even gave me the privilege of being of being one of his disciples in this world...what an honor. How can I not give him the glory?

This Mama still wishes God could have worked his plan a different way, but I know my God makes no mistakes. To God be ALL glory!