All in the same time

I feel it would be ludicrous for me to say or even think that God's abilities are limited, or that something is impossible. Who am I to put God or his ability in a box? So, why then do we think that it could be wrong or impossible or even strange to have joy alongside heartache? Why do we doubt that possibility? In Deuteronomy 7:8 and 4:37 we see that Gods mighty power drove the Israelites out of Egypt. Why...because he loved them - its in black and white. The tower of Babel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego...Gods mighty power protected them. Let's think about the cross for a minute. Lets go back to the core of life. The example we are called to live by. The one story in the bible that many Christians and non-Christians know. The story where life begins..lets go to the cross. Jesus was crucified on a cross in front of family, friends, enemies, all of the town. How do you think those who loved Jesus felt? Do you think they cried? Do you think they hurt? Do you think their hearts ached? If you have ever lost anyone, then you easily know the answer to that question is yes. If you dont and need it in black and white then look to the scriptures. In Luke 2:35 Simeon rejoices with Mary and Joseph over their child but also tells Mary that along with her joy, her heart will also be pierced with a sword - causing anguish - heartache. We also see in Luke 1:46 that Mary sings a song to Elizabeth of great joy in what the Lord has done.  How do we look at the cross, at the crucifixion, and not see the heartache? How do we look at the cross, at the crucifixion, and not see joy? Mary, mother of Jesus experienced great heartache and great joy all at the same time. So why then would we think it so odd of others to experience heartache and joy simultaneously?

Commitment

For whatever reason, I've been reluctant to say these things in fear that I would hurt someone's feelings. All the while struggling with the same conviction that marriages these days are corrupt and nobody is doing anything about it. If we really want to see marriages transformed, it's not all that hard. I honestly believe it all stems from commitment and priorities.

So here goes nothing...my generation is one of the prettiest, most talented generations I know. We are all on time to get our hair cut, colored, and styled. Make it to our pedi appointment before we can wear open toed shoes. We attend home parties to purchase clothes, home accessories, and also use it as an excuse for another great girls night out with no husbands and kids. We are the first in line to sign our kids up for t-ball, karate, or get into the finest of preschools. We spend months planning birthday parties, hours searching pinterest for the cutest ideas that nobody has ever done that will WOW all the other moms. We go to the gym, sometimes to truly get into shape and be healthy, sometimes to socialize, and sometimes in an attempt to transform to the "shape" our society tells us is attractive. We shop designer catalogs and stores because we know people like our "labels" on our purses more than us, because thats what really matters, right? We buy organic food so people will see the organic items in our buggy as we check out and think we are "healthy" because that's the new fad now. We buy solid color t-shirts at gap rather than wal-mart because only poor people buy clothes at wal-mart and you never know who may see us as we're shopping, even though its the same quality as others. We cut out the size tags in our clothes, because you never know who may want to borrow a shirt and goodness they don't need to know what size I really am. We spend hundreds to thousands of dollars at hobby lobby and boutiques but cannot afford to pay for a marriage conference. We will bend over backwards to make it to bunco for another girls night out because its a kid-free and husband-free night. But we cannot make it to a marriage night at the church with our husbands, and free childcare, just cant make it to that. Then we turn around and are turning in prayer requests for our failing marriage. HELLO....are you a martian or a human? It does not take a rocket scientist to see the truth. Can you not see where the problem is? We spend more time spending, buying, designing, decorating, and trying to live up to the Jonses than we do investing in our marriage. Its obvious...our priorities are way out of wack. And I've got news for you...if I, as an outsider, can see all these things, how do you think our husbands feel? I think many of them look at our lives and see themselves on this priority list:

1. Kids

2. Friends

3. Things

4. Decorating

5. Personal Looks

6. Kids Activities

7. Husband

If our husbands continue to see themselves that low on the priority list, I'm telling you right now, the marriage will not work.

From the mouth of babes

I am on the tail end of the flu that hit me last week. And for whatever reason, Tamiflu makes me nauseous. The boys and I were in the car on the way home and I let out a sigh. Parker followed with "Mommy whats wrong?" So I explained to him that the medicine that helps get rid of the flu germs just makes me feel icky sometimes. Then I heard him mumbling, but couldnt quite make out what he was saying...as I glanced in the rearview mirror I saw two tiny precious hands gently folded, head bowed, and eyes squenched tightly closed and his words became clearer "Jesus thank you so much for my mommy. Jesus make her germs go away and make her feel better. Thank you Jesus for my mommy and daddy and please make the medicine fix mommy. I love you Jesus. Amen" Through my tears I thanked Parker and told him how sweet and thoughtful that was. His words "Thats just what you do when people are hurting Mommy, you pray for them". Wow...the words from the mouths of babes!

I am surrounded by people in my community, friends from my past, and friends in my close circle of friends who are sick, ill, injured, and hurting badly. So we pray...when people are hurting, thats just what we do, we pray!

What's one more storm?

I sat down to write this post several times over the last 2 weeks and never could bring myself to actually do it. Maybe it was fear of facing the truth, fear that people would judge me, or fear that I would feel, yet again, heartache. One of the many times I sat down to write, I thought about how I would begin the post. Maybe "If you think you may be tempted to judge me or talk about me behind my back, please stop here and read the next blog you are following " or "this is something I never thought I would have to write about" or "my heart was broken yet again today". But over the last 2 weeks of me not writing the Lord has opened my eyes to see that it is not other peoples words or actions that are mine to be concerned with. If I allow myself to worry about those things then I am allowing myself to be in bondage to Satan's desires. I don't want that! So, I'll begin with this...

I have come to learn that vulnerability, not only with others, but truly with myself as well is necessary if I have any desire to live my life with all glory given to God. There is no possible way that I can share with others the great grace and mercy that God has poured on me unless I am completely vulnerable about my heart. That is hard.

Thursday, February 9, 2012 was Harrison's due date. This was a date that I started dreaming about 8 months ago. A day that I would in-vision in my mind. The dreams and visions I had looked absolutely nothing like my day actually was on February 9th. I dreamed of smiles, happiness, and tears of joy. I did not dream of sadness, hurt, and tears of heartache. As I went to bed on February 8th, I wondered what my next day would hold. I woke up and immediately thanked the Lord for the day he had given me and the breath of life he breathes into me. I so badly wanted that day to be a good day. I found myself very quiet and I felt myself attempting to distance myself from feelings that I started to feel overwhelming me. So I decided to go work out. Cardio workouts have always been very emotional for me. I have no clue how to explain that other than I feel like I'm running and the music is encouraging me to go harder and faster. Through my sweat and tears I had a really good workout. I busied myself with the boys and everyday laundry and cleaning, still feeling removed. At one point in the day, someone very dear to me asked me "whats wrong with you...you seem depressed or something, whats going on?" And my heart got hurt so badly in that moment, was I the only one who remembered what this day was? Did nobody else remember Harrison? And almost immediately God's sweet arms wrapped me in his warm embrace. God allows me to remember our Harrison and even still feel the pain because he is continually using Harrison to grow and stretch me to be who HE wants me to be. Although there is a part of this Mama that never wants anyone to forget Harrison, I realize that this experience was so different for me than how it affected or did not affect others and that is up to God, not me. I am so very thankful that Harrison's first breath taken was in the presence of our Lord and that he never experienced any pain or heartache. I am so thankful that the Lord protected him from those things and that we were able to have the time with him that we did. Thank you sweet Lord for keeping my heart close to yours and continually using the heartache and loss of Harrison to constantly remind me of your love, grace, and mercy. I pray Lord that when I look back on this experience, I will see your footprints. And I pray Lord that you may always receive all Glory!

Jim and I just got home from spending a week in Vegas! I had a TRIO conference and Jim had clients to visit out there so we were gone for a week. We were both busy working during the day but enjoyed our nights touring Vegas, eating great food, and seeing some spectacular shows. Although I was excited about the conference and seeing Vegas, I had a really hard time leaving the boys and flying. The last time we flew was, for me, the beginning of losing Harrison. So stepping foot on another plane was the last thing I wanted to do. I was afraid of reliving all my previous feelings. And with us flying only 2 days after Harrison's due date I was beginning to feel overwhelmed and fearful of losing control of my emotions on the plane. I also had a very hard time leaving the boys. What if something happened to me while I was gone, what if our plane crashed, what if something happened to them and I couldn't get home, what if they miss us, what if they cry while we are gone. My heart and mind were quickly flooded with heartache, fear, doubt, and anxiety before we even stepped foot on the plane. Satan was getting pretty happy at this point thinking he was going to win this battle. Satan loves fear, doubt, worry, and anxiety. Which is a funny statement to say that he loves something since Satan does not love "love" and is not "loving". Anyway...you see where I was. One of my love languages, which I learned from reading The Five Love Languages, great book, is gifts. So I decided that if I could not be with the boys every day and physically love on them, I could leave a gift for them every day and love on them through gifts. So...they had a gift to open each day we were gone. Mama said they LOVED it! And even though I wasn't with them, I felt a little closer to them.

So...I was excited about the gifts that the boys had to open, but still not thrilled about flying and being away from them. As our departure time approached, I sense of thankfulness overwhelmed me for our Lord. He gave me the discernment to see that the feelings of doubt, anxiety, and fear that I was having were from Satan, not Him. Our God is a God of love, peace, hope, and joy and for that I am so very very thankful! I decided right then and there that Satan was NOT going to win this battle! I decided that I would spend my time on the flight in prayer and reading Gods words. A dear friend of mine gave me a book to read The Strength of Mercy by Jan Beazely. FANTASTIC BOOK! While reading on the plane, I came to a point where a letter is written to the birthmother of the child who is being adopted. After reading the letter I began to pray for Anna Grace and her birth mother  

Sweet Jesus, I come to your feet in great thanksgiving. Thank you Lord for who you are and the price you have paid so that we may have life on this Earth. Lord we will never be able to fully repay you for the life you gave Lord, but I pray that every action, breath, and step I take may be in your willingness for my life 

Almost immediately after I started praying the plane turbulence started. I continued to pray for Anna grace and her birth mother.

and that you may receive all Glory! Lord you have given Jim and myself a great blessing of journeying to find your child, Anna Grace to bring into our home to love, care for, and raise in your likeness. I pray that you guide our every step. Lord I pray your great protection over Anna Grace and her birthmother. 

The turbulence got worse...and worse. Fear started to creep into my heart and mind as my heart raced when my body would come off the seat as the plane was jolted in every direction, even down at times. The Lord filled my heart with a song "I will praise you in this storm, and I will lift my hands". So in this physical storm, I refused to give in to Satan's attempts to fear me...I continued to pray...

Lord we know not if she is living with her mother, in an orphanage, or even conceived yet, but you know exactly where they are Lord. You know their very location. I pray that you hold them in the very same arms that you hold me. I pray you send your angels to create a hedge of protection and love around them. Guard and keep them from destruction, illness, pain, and sorrow. I pray that you fill Gracie's birthmother with a peace in choosing to give her up for adoption. May that very peace fill hear heart come from you. Fill any emptiness she has in this decision with your love, hope, and joy. As we pray for Anna Grace to be safe and healthy Lord, above all else we pray for your divine will and all for your great glory! Amen.

As I was praying and turbulence hit, I very clearly heard the Lord say "Satan is not happy about this journey of obedience you and Jim are on. He wants you to doubt me, He wants you to believe I am not there. He is not happy. He now wants you to face another of your greatest fears, thats why there is turbulence. Kelly I will protect you, I will keep you safe. Keep your eyes on me." I cannot tell you how afraid and fearful I wanted to be, but when we are face to face with one of our greatest fears whether it be a plane crashing, a broken marriage, losing a child, losing a job, or being on a boat in a storm like the disciples...we have a choice. We can turn to Satan and think that falling into our sin we will be protected from our fears or we can keep our eyes on Jesus.

We are home now, and most definitely back to reality...groceries to be bought, laundry to be done, and a child with pink eye in both eyes. BUT so thankful that God delivered us through our "storm". We had the pest control guy come out today, he wanted to do a free termite inspection. Long story short...he found moisture under our house and needs to do a few things that will total a $ amount with more zeroes than we'd prefer. I almost started laughing at him when he told us. Not because its a funny matter, because it certainly is not, but because I had expected this. We are scheduled to make several payments this week to Lifeline and Congo. I'm so excited our first payment to Congo is this week :) So...I find it humorous because Satan thinks that throwing in a some pricey "moisture" damage will stop this journey. He is wrong. How do you think the pest control guy would have taken it if I looked at him and said "Sorry Satan, you're still not winning this one". Guess its a good thing I just laughed to myself  instead.

 

Courage

Our SS class is currently studying Courageous Living which is a GREAT study. Not just for men, but all Christians. So...evidently we are called to live courageous lives. What does that mean in your life? Does that mean you take a stand against gossip and remove yourself from those conversations? Does that mean you let the truth come out and ask for forgiveness? Does that mean you pray for your husbands salvation day in and day out through the hurt and pain? Does that mean you give up an addiction? Does that mean you confront a Christian brother or sister who is living in sin? Does that mean you stand up for your beliefs regardless or ridicule and persecution? Does that mean you will stand out among our society for the sake of the Lord? What does that mean for you?

Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”

Joshua 1:7-9 “Only be thou strong and very courageous, that thou mayest observe to do according to all the law, which Moses my servant commanded thee: turn not from it to the right hand or to the left, that thou mayest prosper withersoever thou goest. This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success. Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.”

1 Chronicles 28:20 “And David said to Solomon his son, Be strong and of good courage, and do it: fear not, nor be dismayed: for the LORD God, even my God, will be with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee, until thou hast finished all the work for the service of the house of the LORD.”

Psalm 23:4 “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”

Psalm 27:1 “The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?”

Psalm 31:24 “Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.”

Psalm 56:3-4 “What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee. In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me.”

Isaiah 41:10-13 “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.Behold, all they that were incensed against thee shall be ashamed and confounded: they shall be as nothing; and they that strive with thee shall perish. Thou shalt seek them, and shalt not find them, even them that contended with thee: they that war against thee shall be as nothing, and as a thing of nought. For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.”

Isaiah 54:4 “Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.”

Matthew 10:28 “And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.”

John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

Romans 8:15 “For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.”

1 Corinthians 15:58 “Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.”

1 Corinthians 16:13 “Watch ye, stand fast in the faith, quit you like men, be strong.”

Ephesians 6:10 “Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.”

I will not be moved

While on the long journey of adoption, there are so many things that can come up and cause a bump in the road or even opportunities to veer off the path and close the book. Jim and I have been very open with our family and friends about the whole thing. We have encouraged the questions. It does not hurt our feelings for you to ask questions, doubt, wonder, or even talk about us behind our back. Last night while on the phone with a very very precious person in my life I said "I want you to know that you can be completely vulnerable with us. You can ask those questions that you even shudder to think ran through your head. You can ask those questions you are embarrassed to ask or fearful of our response. Ask!" It was 6 years ago that Jim and I had our very first conversation about adoption. And here we are 6 years later beginning the journey. I would be completely insane to expect our family and friends to be 100% on board with us 1 month into hearing about it. I will give you a 6 year minimum to get where we are...thats the least I can do. So dont be afraid to ask, dont be afraid to wonder, dont be afraid to question us. The one thing that hurts so very deeply is not when you question or doubt or even talk about me, its when you doubt God. Often times you hear people say that faith is blind or faith is believing what you cannot see. I believe that faith is believing God while you can see. I believe that faith is delivering and holding your stillborn son and knowing that God is by your side and carrying you through. I believe that looking into the yuck of our world and still believing God has a greater plan and that he will receive glory is faith. So then, how can I not have faith that God will be with us every step of the way. Yes I will stumble, I will make mistakes, and I will surely face heartache. BUT I will not be moved from God's ever-present embrace. I told this very precious person last night that I would never wish upon anyone to lose a child, but I would hope and pray for everyone to come to a place where they cant help but run to God's arms and trust him wholeheartedly. That is what I pray for my family and my friends. That is what I pray for the Congolese Community. That is what I pray for you!

So where are we in this process...let me take a minute to catch you up

1-1-12    Application and Doctrinal Documents Sent and Application payment made

1-3-12    Doctrinal Documents re-sent

1-4-12    Congo chosen

1-5-12    Received the Congo manual and heard from our case worker, Maegan

1-6-12    Policies signed and turned in and 1^st Agency payment made

1-11-12  Orientation conference call

1-11-12  Copies of items for home study

1-13-12  1^st Home Study Visit, fingerprints taken, application, dhr forms and fingerprints sent to SBCN (Security Biometrics Clearing Network)

1-20-12  Fingerprints received by SBCN, First discussion on selling the car

1-21-12  Registered for Hague Intercountry Adoption Online training, registered for International Adoption Clinic seminar, and bought The Connected Child

1-23-12  Individual Home Study Interviews in Huntsville

1-25-12  Fingerprints waiting adjudication

1-27-12  Registered for UAB’s online International Adoption Seminar, Kelly completed Hague Training

1-31-12  Heard from our Lifeline worker that will be working with us through Congo

The next step is our final home study visit which is scheduled for mid-February.  

Right now we are completing our education and training. There are 2 online trainings that we have to complete and a book to read. They are very informational. They share the good, the bad, and the ugly. Lots of facts, statistics, and information. One of my favorite parts is watching videos of actual forever families and hearing them discuss their journey because it's real to them and it will be our reality.

Jim asked me last night if the conversation I had last night was good. My answer is yes! Did this precious person respond with 100% jubilation about our journey, no. But I was about to share my heart, share what God's done in my life, and give God all credit for what he has done...so for that reason...YES it was a great conversation!

Pull up a chair

So thankful for a moment I can sit down and write. God is so good! I have not had time to sit so I've kept notes of the many things I wanted to write about, so I hope you'll pull up a chair as I scratch things off my list I want to put into words :)

Two Sundays ago I stayed home with Parker and Logan while Jim went to church. Both boys had been battling a high fever and ear infections so we nestled in at home. As I folded laundry I listened to one of John Piper's sermons "Bloodlines to Bloodline". I hope you will take 30 minutes to listen to the message of God through John Piper. If you cant right now for whatever reason, I hope you will put it on your to-do list for later. I feel as though the very things God has laid on my heart he spoke through the mouth of Piper.

From Bloodlines to Bloodline

 As a mother of boys I often find myself talking to myself saying "Goodness gracious, what is it going to take for them to 'get it'? What am I going to have to do for them to understand what I'm trying to teach them?" As I was straightening my hair one morning, I found myself having that thought and while looking in the mirror I was overcome with the presence of God as I was looking in the mirror and felt very strongly that HE was saying that very thing to me, "my daughter Kelly, what am I going to have to do for you to understand what I want you to know? What is it going to take for you to get it?" Thank you Jesus for opening my eyes to see and hear this! I believe that often times we, as Christians, wonder why in the world the God that supposedly died for us and loves us would allow such tragedy, heartache, sorrow into our lives. Perhaps such things would not happen if we would "get it" when God was trying to speak to us. As I look back on August 25th, I know for a fact now, that God was trying to talk to Jim and myself, he wanted us to earnestly know, love, and appreciate his grace! What is he trying to tell you? What does he want you to know? What is it going to take for you to "get it"?

God has been so good to us! God has opened our eyes to see the blessings in others lives. Jim and I thoroughly enjoy seeing God's hand work in the hearts of our friends and family. What a joy to be able to rejoice with these people as they give God all the glory. It's a blessing to us to be able to see this! I think its so easy to look at other peoples lives and think "well they sure are blessed, they have this, they have that, this hasnt happened to them, blah blah blah" but what a sour attitude that is! Why would we NOT rejoice with our friends when God is real to them, answering prayers for them, and being real to them. I cannot tell you what a joy it is to be able to hear of such joys! My friends, you know who you are, we rejoice with you in your obedience to the Lord and his blessings on you and your family! I pray that the Lord continue to humble and grow you! We are truly blessed to have you in our life!

My sweet friends in bible study have heard me share this already so just hang in there for a minute if you've already heard this. BUT...to those who havent... something I've struggled with all my life is fear. Fear of this, fear of that...you name it! I honestly started to feel like something was wrong with me. I would have people say "well just face your fear and you'll get over it" or "well that doesnt make sense, it doesnt bother me at all". It wasnt until the beginning of 2011 that I realized that fear was straight from Satan. I began fervently praying that God would free me from this fear. There is a song that I feel perfectly expresses how I felt. Chris Tomlin's Amazing Grace (Chains are Gone). I truly have felt for so long that I was captured in chains of fear. Held captive in fear. Prisoner of fear. Thats the best way to describe it. I am so thankful that God ransomed me from this fear. He has cut my chains and I'm free, I'm no longer held bondage. My friends that's what the blood of Christ is! He sets us free! What are your chains? What is holding you bondage? What has you held captive? Is it fear? Doubt? Worry? Anxiety? I have truly read so many self-help books, worked through 5 step programs, etc to try and escape it. And I will tell you that there is  nothing greater than the blood of Christ. 


As I sit and pray over the requests of dear friends and family my heart is flooded with all the "yuck" of the world we live in. Depression, illness, divorce, tragedy, death, addiction, fears, etc. There are so many reasons to be afraid, fearful, doubtful, and anxious. But the joy in this all is that the Lord tells us not to be afraid. As we walk this journey of adoption there are so many fears and wonders that pop into our minds and our conversations. Many fears that have built walls between family relationships. Fears that have tried so hard to stop us on our journey. Fears that have given us many opportunities to detour and veer away from adoption. Fears that have made us think 3,4, and 5 times before going on. In Deuteronomy, Moses speaks to Israel and tells them to not fear because God has gone before them "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6 So why then, should I fear? What is my fear based on? Do I not trust God is greater than my fears? What is your fear? Do you not believe that God is greater than your fear? There are so many things and people in our lives that try to justify our fears. May be friends, society, or even dear family. We have to be sure that we listen to God's voice, the voice of truth!


Thank you sweet Lord for loving us. Thank you for the grace and oh so sweet mercy that you have on us! We pray Lord that you open our hearts and minds to your will and desire for our life. Thank you Lord for asking us to step out of the boat into the rough waters where you are. Lord fill us with a desire so great to be with you that we will see your face over the rough waters around us and that the waters will not stop us from growing closer to you. I pray now for those reading this blog. Lord fill them with your holy presence. Grow the flame in their hearts to burn so high for you it is an uncontainable joy. Give them opportunities to live your love! Thank you Lord for dying for us and giving us life on this Earth. I pray that we will daily give our lives back to you. Fill our hearts, minds, and souls with your loving strength and endurance to face the woes of every day on this earth. But above all these things I request Lord, I pray that you be glorified in it all! Amen.