Recipe for Healing

I find myself quite content in my home, with my boys, in my safe place. I don't have to answer the door, I don't have to answer the phone, I don't have to answer texts, I don't have to answer emails. And I don't have to look anyone in the face and tell them our story. What am I doing? Somewhere in the depths of my mind, I think I'm trying to convince myself that if I don't answer the door, phone, texts, emails, or see my friends and family face to face that somehow, someway, Harrison will come back and be home with us in my arms, in my empty arms, or even possibly still growing in my belly with not a single thing wrong. It's quite possible that I've led myself to believe such is true because right now I have no desire to step out of my safe place, it terrifies me to think I might have to face reality again.

If you know Jim and myself very well, it doesn't take long to realize that we both possess quite strong personality traits that are none the less opposite each other. We like to think that God has blessed us through these differences and grown us together through these differences. If Jim didn't possess some of the qualities he has, then by now we would have 8 dogs, a pool, 3 vehicles, a party at our house every weekend which would be in the county, visited Jamaica and several other tropical islands several times, adopted a few children, be open for foster care, make gift baskets for every person that we know has had a bad day, and the list goes on. So needless to say, I am thankful for our differences. As we sat in our hospital room trying to grasp what had just happened, God revealed and continues to reveal to me daily an empathetic and all passionate side of my husband that I never knew existed. This is once again one of those times that I hold sacred between Jim and myself and choose to keep private. But it so deeply humbles me thinking of God's great omnipotent planning. There are many times in our relationship that I would sulk wishing Jim would be more understanding, at the moment it was imperative that he understand and feel with me why my friend so badly hurt me or that we couldn't leave the house yet because I had not found the right thing to wear. But to think that our God didn't have the perfect time to reveal his true love, empathy, and care through my husband was preposterous on my behalf. I am, yet again, astonished at God's impeccable timing in knowing what I needed and when I needed it.

Part of my fear in facing reality in the real world is what people might perhaps say. I understand that people do not know what to say, much less how to say what they do not know they want to say. So people fumble, ramble, and often times end up in an awkward position. It is nobody's fault, and I understand that. But I'm not going to lie, I would like to prevent or avoid it. My sweet husband has been so insightful over the last couple of years in helping me realize that people have no way of knowing what I want, don't want, need, and don't need. That type of telepathic technology has just not been developed. No worries, I'm writing up my proposal for Jim to start working on it. But in the meantime, Jim assures me I can have no expectations, but trust that God will carry me through those times, conversations, and responses.

When we have people in our lives that are hurting, we inevitably want to fix it. We want to make it all better. I love living in the South and would never trade it for life in the North (based on my one visit to NY). I love being a Southern Belle and all traditions that come with being a SB just feel right. As Southerners we are born and raised with the recipe for healing others in our hearts:

Recipe for Healing

1 - Card sent in the mail (flowers may be substituted)

1 - Email or text sent weekly

1 - Home-cooked meal provided and delivered

 -Mix all ingredients together with a smile

-Sprinkled with lots of "I love you's"

-Top with "You'll understand one day why it happened"

(In no way do I hope to upset or offend anyone. We have truly been humbled by the outstretched arms of love that our friends and family have sent our way. We know your heart, we know your intentions, and we know you love us and for that we are thankful and oh so blessed)

As good as the recipe may sound, until you have walked in the shoes of heartache, you will never realize that the recipe above is not what you hunger for. I think as Southerners we have honestly done each other an injustice. I have searched and searched for the best recipe and the truth be told, there is no recipe for healing, there is one great Healer, and his name is Jesus. I may never know why He allowed what He did, I may never see a reason, I may never understand why He chose to involve the ones He did, but I do know that He promises me Hope and right now that is all I have.

  "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

I heard a quote on t.v. yesterday from a new movie coming out "Just because I'm hurt, doesn't mean I'm broken" - Dolphin Tale. Don't kid yourself, I am hurting. I'm hurting very bad. BUT my God is the same God as he was yesterday and the day before. My God is the God who sacrificed His son. As I grieve, he grieves, He understands better than anyone. He also promises me Hope, and that is where I rest.