Change of plans

Today we had planned to have a Gender Reveal party for our family. We figured by the 3rd child we needed to do something extra fun to get everyone pumped up about having another little one running around, making a mess, and tearing into everything. Everyone marked their calendars and my sweet sister even took some time off work so she could be here in plenty of time since she was traveling from out of town.  I had my food, decoration, and reveal ideas all organized and fine-tuned. The only thing that needed to happen was have the ultrasound. We didn't get to have our Gender Reveal party today, but we did have a mini party the other day.

Over the last two weeks I have submerged myself in recipe hunting. I have cooked new recipes each night with a wide variety of meals, some hearty and some healthy. I guess cooking is the only thing I feel like I can be in control of right now while my heart and emotions are so out of control. Which is also the reason, I think, that Jim has declined so many meals from our loving friends. Cooking each night has been the one thing I've looked forward to each day. One night, I decided to make the Chocolate Coke Cake. While I was preparing the batter, Parker walked up and said "Mommy...what are you making? A cake?" And before I could even respond, Parker lit up with glee and continued, "OH a BIRTHDAY cake!" I paused for a minute and then answered back, "Yes Parker, do you want to help Mommy make a birthday cake for Harrison?" He quickly answered, "YES YES YES!" The conversation continued and Parker assured me that Harrison wanted a Spiderman cake, but that he couldn't have a monster cake because that was Parker's favorite. We all watched the cake bake in the oven and patiently (some more than others) waited for the cake to cool. I let the boys pick out the birthday candles and decide how many candles we needed for the cake. Without hesitation, Parker said, "3, we need 3 candles". I like to think that Parker chose 3 candles, one for each of them, Parker, Logan, and Harrison. Or perhaps it's because Parker is 3 and he didn't understand it wasn't for him. For whatever the reason he chose 3, in that moment, in that very moment I was reminded of the trinity, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. So thank you Lord for my Parker choosing 3 and reminding me of your love, sacrifice, and grace! And then we sang. We sang Happy Birthday to Harrison. 

Plans change. Whether it be a party being cancelled, baking a cake, or loosing a child...plans can change. Dear Lord, I pray today that in all my planning I seek you first and that your will would be my plan for each and every day. Thank you sweet sweet Jesus for your grace and mercy. I pray God that my heart will bleed for you and that this life you have blessed me with will live to glorify you.

At this very moment

At this very moment, Jim and I had planned to be at St. Vincents anxiously awaiting one of the most exciting moments all expecting parents wait for.....the gender ultrasound. Little did we know that Harrison was actually 3 weeks older than we thought, which would have made us 21 weeks today. The blessing in this is that when we had Harrison 2 weeks ago, it was very clear that he was a precious little boy, leaving no wonder for our minds to follow. I see pictures of the boys around the house and it saddens my heart to think they have a brother not with them. I find myself gazing at the boys running around the backyard, playing on the play set, chasing the dog, stomping through mud, and imagining their little brother was with them getting dirty and into lots of mischief. I think it's inevitable that my mind has been flooded with the many things that our sweet Harrison James will not get to experience: mud, building forts, catching frogs, making messes, tball, soccer, trying to sleep on Christmas eve, tearing into his first birthday cake, bringing home his first A, going mudding, getting his first car, graduating, college football, falling in love, picking out the perfect ring, and walking down the aisle, and holding his first child for the very first time. But as my heart and mind are swamped with these things, God overwhelms me with thoughts of one of the most beautiful promises. Our little Harrison may not get to experience any of the things above, but our little Harrison will know nothing but love. He will not experience the pain of colic, the hurt of a skinned knee, the betrayal of a friend, or the heartbreak of lost love. All a Mommy wants to do is love and protect her children. In this time, when I cannot hold and protect Harrison, our sweet sweet Savior is giving him the greatest love and protection of all.

Greatest place to be

On My Knees

There are days
when I feel
The best of me
is ready to begin (the end)
Then there's (the) days
when I feel
I'm letting go
and soaring on the wind
'Cause I've learned in laughter or in pain
How to survive!

I get on my knees! (2x)
There I am before the Love
That changes me
See I don't know how
But there's power
When I'm on my knees

I can be
in a crowd
Or by myself
and almost anywhere
When I feel
there's a need
To talk with God
He is Emmanuel
When I close my eyes,
no darkness there
There's only light!

I get on my knees (x2)
There I am before the Love that changes me
See I don't know how, but there's power
In the blue skies, in the midnight
When I'm on my knees
I get on my knees (x2)
There I am before the Love
That changes me
See I don't know how, but there's power
When I'm on my, oh, when I'm on my
When I'm on my knees

More than Conquerors

Sitting in worship this morning, there was no denying that the Holy Spirit was present. One of the opening songs was Healing in Your Hands. A beautiful song that brought new meaning to my heart. The chorus: 

How high, how wide

No matter where I am, healing is in Your hands
How deep, How strong

And now by Your grace I stand, healing is in Your hands

Sitting in room 612, holding sweet Harrison in my hands, tears fell from my eyes onto his tiny, little, perfect body as my heart broke over and over because I could not do anything to help him, to save him, to bring him back. It took hours to sink in that we could do nothing (and I still have daily thoughts and wonders race through my mind if something could have been done). All we could do was raise our hands up and through our quiet prayers offer our Harrison to the Lord, to place him in the Lord's healing hands. It's in the same healing hands that I find myself each day as I wake, pleading with the Lord to hold me, to carry me, to stay by my side one day more.

Verse:

In all things, we know that.
We are more than conquerors.
You keep us by your love.
You keep us by your love. 

More than conquerors......a conqueror? Conqueror is not one of the words I would use to describe myself right now. This song is based on pretty much all of Romans 8, but particularly verses 37-39 where Paul paints a beautiful picture of his belief that absolutely NOTHING can separate us from God's love. WOW! When you back up and start reading in verse 18, Paul very blatantly talks about the relationship between our current sufferings and future glory, and says there is no comparison at all. Creation, from the beginning was "subject to frustration" from the creator's will. But in the future, He will free us from the frustration and bring us into freedom...and that is where, as Christians, our HOPE is born. So when we read down to verses 31-39 Paul speaks from his heart in sharing with us all that if God loves us so much that He would sacrifice His son, then there is no way He would let anything come between His love and ourselves. Sweet love! A sweet love that holds us close, that creates in us conquerors so ... "... in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us." Romans 8:37. No, I am not a conqueror. But, yes, the Lord can create in me a conqueror through His sweet, sweet love!

Ready...Set.........

 

As we sat in the den and watched our first Auburn game of the season, fans yelling, shakers shaking, vibrant colors covering the stadium, and a sense of great happiness and anxiousness jump from the stadium through the screen. In that very moment, reality hit me that the world hasn't stopped and life is still going. The hustle and bustle has not stopped a bit. And in that same very moment, I found myself feeling abandoned and alone because I feel as though my world has stopped. I would never wish the feelings in my heart on any other. The thought of the many Mommies and Daddies who have already been in our shoes or who so innocently have no clue that they too will one day walk in the same shoes truly breaks my heart. If I could do something to prevent it from happening to them...if only. I find myself getting overwhelmed with feelings some days that since I'm a Christian I need to be progressing through this grief quicker and finding myself with more laughs and smiles. I know that God allows things to happen for reasons, reasons I may never know (Proverbs 3:5-6). I know that God works all things for the glory of his Kingdom (Romans 8:28). I know that God knows the plans of my life (Jeremiah 29:11) I know that God is greater than any trial he allows in my life. I know that God uses trials to grow me stronger and more mature (James 1:2-4). I know that we already have two precious blessings and that it is possible for me to have  more babies. I know that God can use this for his glory and to touch the lives of others. I know all of these things. But these things do not fill my empty arms and my aching heart. They don't bring Harrison back. And I wish there was some way these others lives could be touched, some way than through this loss. I wonder if God felt this way as he sacrificed His son? What a sacrifice, what a price. Oh how very thankful and humbled it brings me to His feet. Thank you sweet Lord! I thank the Lord that He chose me and holds me tight each day. I am overwhelmed with His love and strength right now. If He didn't hold me tight, I would have withered away with my sorrow and pain. Sweet Jesus, rock my baby and hold him very tight. Everyone may continue with life, not a thing changed or sorrowed, but I'm coming to the realization that my life will never be the same, but my life will continue. So...dear Lord, my Father, sweet Jesus, ready...set...lets walk this journey together.

Seasons

As Jim and I drove home from the hospital last week, we noticed the first leaves changing and falling. Time for the change of seasons. The end of Summer and beginning of Fall...at the very exact time God was allowing a season change in our life. The end of one season and the beginning of another. Coincidence or divine plan? As I think of Summer coming to an end, there are sad thoughts and sighs with thoughts of pool days, beach trips, shorts, yard work, popsicles, sunglasses, ponytails, and flip flops all coming to an end for a while. And so a new season begins...no pool days and shorts, but with every season comes new joys. The aroma of pumpkin and harvest spice filling every corner, nook, and cranny as you enter the warmth of a home adorned with pumpkins, mums, gourds, and corn. A season for football, tailgates, games, friends, and food. How romantic a walk in the brisk fall chill, as we snuggle close, hoping the moment never to end. And a season full of thanks, giving, and blessings. I find it absolutely no coincidence at all that as God allows us to end a season in our life, a season of heartache and sorrow, He follows up with a season for Thanksgiving. I pray, dear Lord, that as our seasons change you fill our hearts and minds with thanksgiving and praise, day in, day out, and all day long. May this new season in our life be a season of great Harvest Lord, a season that we have fruit to bear and share. Amen.

Recipe for Healing

I find myself quite content in my home, with my boys, in my safe place. I don't have to answer the door, I don't have to answer the phone, I don't have to answer texts, I don't have to answer emails. And I don't have to look anyone in the face and tell them our story. What am I doing? Somewhere in the depths of my mind, I think I'm trying to convince myself that if I don't answer the door, phone, texts, emails, or see my friends and family face to face that somehow, someway, Harrison will come back and be home with us in my arms, in my empty arms, or even possibly still growing in my belly with not a single thing wrong. It's quite possible that I've led myself to believe such is true because right now I have no desire to step out of my safe place, it terrifies me to think I might have to face reality again.

If you know Jim and myself very well, it doesn't take long to realize that we both possess quite strong personality traits that are none the less opposite each other. We like to think that God has blessed us through these differences and grown us together through these differences. If Jim didn't possess some of the qualities he has, then by now we would have 8 dogs, a pool, 3 vehicles, a party at our house every weekend which would be in the county, visited Jamaica and several other tropical islands several times, adopted a few children, be open for foster care, make gift baskets for every person that we know has had a bad day, and the list goes on. So needless to say, I am thankful for our differences. As we sat in our hospital room trying to grasp what had just happened, God revealed and continues to reveal to me daily an empathetic and all passionate side of my husband that I never knew existed. This is once again one of those times that I hold sacred between Jim and myself and choose to keep private. But it so deeply humbles me thinking of God's great omnipotent planning. There are many times in our relationship that I would sulk wishing Jim would be more understanding, at the moment it was imperative that he understand and feel with me why my friend so badly hurt me or that we couldn't leave the house yet because I had not found the right thing to wear. But to think that our God didn't have the perfect time to reveal his true love, empathy, and care through my husband was preposterous on my behalf. I am, yet again, astonished at God's impeccable timing in knowing what I needed and when I needed it.

Part of my fear in facing reality in the real world is what people might perhaps say. I understand that people do not know what to say, much less how to say what they do not know they want to say. So people fumble, ramble, and often times end up in an awkward position. It is nobody's fault, and I understand that. But I'm not going to lie, I would like to prevent or avoid it. My sweet husband has been so insightful over the last couple of years in helping me realize that people have no way of knowing what I want, don't want, need, and don't need. That type of telepathic technology has just not been developed. No worries, I'm writing up my proposal for Jim to start working on it. But in the meantime, Jim assures me I can have no expectations, but trust that God will carry me through those times, conversations, and responses.

When we have people in our lives that are hurting, we inevitably want to fix it. We want to make it all better. I love living in the South and would never trade it for life in the North (based on my one visit to NY). I love being a Southern Belle and all traditions that come with being a SB just feel right. As Southerners we are born and raised with the recipe for healing others in our hearts:

Recipe for Healing

1 - Card sent in the mail (flowers may be substituted)

1 - Email or text sent weekly

1 - Home-cooked meal provided and delivered

 -Mix all ingredients together with a smile

-Sprinkled with lots of "I love you's"

-Top with "You'll understand one day why it happened"

(In no way do I hope to upset or offend anyone. We have truly been humbled by the outstretched arms of love that our friends and family have sent our way. We know your heart, we know your intentions, and we know you love us and for that we are thankful and oh so blessed)

As good as the recipe may sound, until you have walked in the shoes of heartache, you will never realize that the recipe above is not what you hunger for. I think as Southerners we have honestly done each other an injustice. I have searched and searched for the best recipe and the truth be told, there is no recipe for healing, there is one great Healer, and his name is Jesus. I may never know why He allowed what He did, I may never see a reason, I may never understand why He chose to involve the ones He did, but I do know that He promises me Hope and right now that is all I have.

  "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

I heard a quote on t.v. yesterday from a new movie coming out "Just because I'm hurt, doesn't mean I'm broken" - Dolphin Tale. Don't kid yourself, I am hurting. I'm hurting very bad. BUT my God is the same God as he was yesterday and the day before. My God is the God who sacrificed His son. As I grieve, he grieves, He understands better than anyone. He also promises me Hope, and that is where I rest.