The Author of my Life

If we know who God is, we believe the Bible is God-breathed, we believe all God's promises to be true, we believe God is who he says he is, we believe what God says he can do, we believe that God's love is eternal and everlasting, and we believe that God has a divine plan and will for our life, why do we stray? Why do we long for something more? Why do we question? Why do we fail? Why do we wonder? Why do we hurt? What is it about God that isn't enough for us? If we truly believe all of these things, would we not always be at His feet overwhelmed with humble tears giving him praise and thanksgiving? We live in a fallen, sinful world, yes. We live in a world where Satan lurks, preys, and brutally attacks, yes. But if we believe all of these things above to be true about our God and we believe that God has selected us to be in his kingdom, then a+b means that we belong to God. Therefore, we do not belong to Satan, so he can lurk, prey, and attack, but little does he know....he can never have us. So.....my question again....why are we not always at His feet overwhelmed with humble tears giving him praise and thanksgiving? Why am I not always at His feet overwhelmed with humble tears giving him praise and thanksgiving? What is it that keeps us from drawing nearer to God? Pride? Time? Kids? Job? Family? Embarrassment? Priorities?

In April, our lives got a little busier than we were accustomed to. Jim started traveling more, April's Fury tornadoes came through and left us without power for a week, meanwhile the stomach bug hit our house for 14 days straight, it was crunch time at work with our seniors as graduation was quickly approaching, amongst other things that I will not go into. It was at a time in my life where I felt I might quite possibly pull all of my hair out. Everything was out of my control. One night, while laying on the bathroom floor covered in towels, waiting for Parker's next "round" to hit, I knew I had hit my limit and I could not handle this life on my own anymore.  I prayed that the Lord would fill my heart with His strength to conquer the coming hours and days as I knew this "bug" was not near over. I knew that I was not, in my life, where God would desire me to be. We were busy going here and there and things had just gotten 'hectic', for lack of a better word. That night, on the cold, germy,  bathroom floor I asked God to transform my life. I prayed, "Lord draw me nearer and nearer to you. Transform my life into whatever you have desired for it to be. Change me, mold me, shape me. Lord, at whatever cost, please Lord, live in me and use me as your light. Change me to be whoever you want me to be." Sure enough, within 36 hours I was laying on the cold, germy, bathroom floor again, all by myself this time. Odds were pretty good that considering the bug scenario I was sure to get it. However, I like to look back and think that I didnt have the bug everyone else had, but rather God was expelling all the nasties in my life so He could begin His good!

Almost exactly to the date 4 months after the tornadoes came through and we were sick, we lost Harrison. If you have read my previous posts, you know this time has been a synonymous mixture of heartache and hope for me. The Lord has been very real in my life, in our lives and we are forever grateful for that! God has answered many prayers and continues to fill us with his promise of hope for a better 'tomorrow'. With all that being said, to answer my previous question: What is it that keeps us from drawing nearer to God? Here goes my vulnerability...my answer is fear. My fear is that God might use another tragedy in my life to draw me nearer to Him. Selfishly, I do not want to encounter tragedy, heartache, and/or loss again. Why can I not just be where God wants me to be and not have to suffer in that way. WOW....how selfish is that thinking? I'm pretty sure that our Lord would much rather have saved his Son than have to crucify him to show us His love...YES SIR....that will put you back in your place. One of the many many good things here, is that I do not have to decide. God has written the perfect life for me even before I was in my mother's womb. He knows every detail, and I need not worry about tomorrow; for the master creator is in control.

Thank you Sweet Jesus for writing my life story. I pray God that I will wake each day with a desire to be fully used for your kingdom however you wish. Thank you Lord for knowing what I need and when I need it, even when I have no words to know what I need.  I pray Father that you will receive all the glory day in and day out. Amen.

Prayer

My prayer today is for some friends from high school who will bury their 2 month old at 11:00 am today. Please keep them in your prayers.

Father God,

You are a mighty God. We praise you and thank you for who you are Lord. For the sacrifice you made giving up your son so that we may have life. Such a sacrifice in our human minds is heart-wrenching and unfathomable, yet you did it so we would know your love. Perhaps the reason you allow some to experience loss is to get a better glimpse of the depth of your love through your sacrifice. I am at your feet today Lord, pleading you be with Katy and Joe today. Father wrap your loving arms around them and give them a peace that passes all understanding. Lord I pray that you cleanse their home of any demons who may try to pry into their lives during this time. God I pray that your blood and scripture will be written on their walls surrounding them at all times. Be their stronghold. Hug them when the times are tough. Give them strength when they have to stand. And give them peace when there are questions. I pray Lord that above all my requests for Katy and Joe, that your loving will be done and that you receive all the glory. May you give Katy and Joe a peace and hope in your kingdom! Thank you Lord for being God of all creation, of the mighty heavens and earth. May we rest tonight knowing you are God and you REIGN! Amen.

Holy Spirit

My mind has been flooded today with a discussion Jim and I had the other day. It involved something we wanted to do to as a memento for Harrison. I decided I could work on it once the boys went to bed, but the closer bed time got, the more upset I got, trying to talk myself out of it. Before long, Parker was out, arms and legs sprawled all over the place, snoring, and drooling. Evidently it was time to move him to bed. I got him up and somehow managed to help him shuffle to the bed, while still asleep. His eyes never opened and he was dead weight. As soon as he hit the bed, he was still immediately, as if he had never moved. I long for rest like this! I tucked him in, leaned over and kissed him, and said "I love you Parker". His eyes opened, he looked at me and said "Mommy, Harrison is in heaven with Jesus", closed his eyes again and was down for the night. It would make sense for me to explain that comment to you by telling you we had talked about Harrison yesterday or that we talked about him every night before bed, but that's not true. We had not talked about him at all yesterday. The best way I can explain it is that the presence of the Lord was in this place. The Holy Spirit spoke so sweetly to me through my Parker.

Deja Vu

I have not blogged in the last couple of days and as I sit here I'm trying to figure out how to put into words my reason why. I am going to throw myself out there and jump to the conclusion that if you are reading this you are someone who cares about our family and out of respect for you, I feel I owe it to you to be honest. As I've written before, when you go through a loss, people from everywhere, books, movies, pamphlets, doctor discharge notes, nurses, EVERYONE tells you to expect to transition through several different phases. You'll feel like you are zoned out, you'll feel sad, you'll feel mad, you'll feel confused, you'll feel guilty, you'll feel regret, you'll feel confused, etc. I hate to label this time in my life as a "process". I have a very hard time believing that I will go through steps 1-8 and then be through the "process". I have told Jim over and over that my hope is that through this time I would grow to become the woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and sister in Christ that God desires for my life. And if that means for my heart to be broken over and over every day, so be it. I want to be where God wants me to be. I am not happy anywhere else. So back to all these feelings people and books have told me I would have...yes I've had some, some more than others. But the one that I never thought I would have and the one I'm having the hardest time with is anger. If you have known me for the first 28 years of my life, I would be surprised if you would label me as an angry person. And if you do, I hope that you'll come talk to me because that is not a personal quality I would ever like to possess and I want to make things right with you. I apologize if I have ever come across that way to you. So, over the last week as I have felt overcome with the uncomfortable feelings of anger, I have yet again, been at a loss for words. I am not angry at God, I am not angry at Jim, I am not angry at Parker and Logan, I am not angry at my family, I am not angry at my friends. The only place I know this anger has come from is Satan and I hate it. We started a new study in Sunday School yesterday, Focused Faith, or Faith Focus, something along those lines. Jim taught the lesson and he started off with the question "Have you ever been robbed of something" and proceeds through the lesson and gets to the question "What has Satan ever robbed you of". I cannot tell you how many things flew through my mind that I wanted to say. Typically I speak up in Sunday School, but as I sat in my chair yesterday and felt a flood of answers run through my head, I got a knot in my throat and knew what would happen if I even tried to open my mouth. So as I sit here with a knot in my throat and tears filling my eyes, I will tell you what Satan wants to rob me of right now. He wants to take my peace, passion, happiness, and interests, but most of all he wants to take away my faith and joy. Once again, I am going to be vulnerably honest with you...Satan is strong. He is very strong. He has been fighting all day, every day for these things in me for 26 days now. Some days I feel like I have nothing in me to fight back, and it is in those days that I am so thankful for a Holy Spirit that fights for me and fills my heart and mind with scripture and songs that I have learned through the years. This right here is an example of why it is important to learn scripture and listen to Christian music. Not just simply read the words on the page, but learn them and impress them on your heart. Because there WILL be times in life when you have no energy or strength to pick the Bible up, and the Holy Spirit will fill your heart and mind in those times with the scriptures and praises that you have on your heart. Satan has fought so hard and continues to fight to rob me of these things. But the fight is not over and he has not won.

I cannot say enough how blessed Jim and I are to be surrounded with such loving and caring family and friends. We know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are loved. And I hate that anyone has been hurt or taken personally me not going out, returning calls, texts, emails, etc. Please know it is not YOU. I know everyone is ready for me to move on. I have longed for answers why I cant just flip a switch and move on. I cannot keep longing for those answers. Our God is full of mystery and wonder. If we could figure him out then he wouldnt be God. So since I have no answer, I have no answer to give you. I can tell you though, that I feel like I am in constant deja vu. I close my eyes to sleep and I feel as if I am laying in the hospital bed at 4 a.m. with contractions. Any pain or twinge I have in my body, my head says "oh no...is the baby ok". Every time I close my eyes, my mind replays over and over August 25...the physical pain, the tears from phyiscal pain, the cries for help, the delivery, the 30 seconds I was alone with Harrison, the panic, the nurse call, holding Harrison, falling into shock, a day of holding the body of our baby that God has already called home, the funeral and burial decisions, our first and last prayer with our precious Harrison, watching the nurse walk out the door with Harrison in her arms, and the sound of the hosptial door shutting . Deja vu over and over.

^"25 I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness— ²⁶ the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the Lord’s people. ²⁷ To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. " Colossians 1:25-27

Thank you Lord for the hope of glory!

Behind every joke there's some TRUTH

Jim and I have joked about the fact that since Jim started teaching our ss class, we inevitably had something happen in our lives that would be applicable to the lesson he was teaching the coming Sunday and of course would be the perfect example to use in class. Through this teaching season, we have grown to be very transparent with our class. It has been a blessing and we would not trade our class for the world. We have all grown very close and consider our ss class to not just be a class, but our group of close friends. It's not your typical "howdy-doo, bring a dish to potluck, we are praying for you" kind of ss group. We value our friendships, we enjoy being with them, and we look forward to growing and learning from them and with them. So why should I be surprised that a while back, it was decided that our class would study Faith next? May be a little more truth in that joke than we'd like to admit.

I have found myself seeking, searching, and reading all I can about hope. Hope that God will carry me through this darkness. Hope that God will heal my heart. Hope that God will use this all to His glory and the Kingdom. Hope that I will wake up each day with joy in my heart. Hope that I will continue to choose God's light to walk through this darkness. The more I search, the more I see that hope is never without faith.

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1

^"Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." Romans 4:18-21 

When hope was dead in Abraham, he kept on hoping in faith, believing that he would become "the father of many nations". He relied on the word of God which definitely referred to "thy seed". With his faith, he considered the circumstances, his own impotence and Sarah's barrenness. However, he REFUSED to allow anything waver him from God. He drew his strength from his faith and continued giving God glory, hoping through his faith that Gods promise was true.

"This means tremendous joy to you, even though at present you may be temporarily harassed by all kinds of trials. This is no accident--it happens to prove your faith, which is infinitely more valuable than gold" 1 Peter 1:6-7

So Lord, I beg you once again, please Lord use our loss for your glory and for the greater good of your Kingdom. You are a constant sovereign God and to be able to love you and live for you is a blessing in and of itself that I do not deserve. My heart aches for the Mommies and Daddies in our world who have lost a child. Father please wrap them in your mighty, loving arms and reveal to them the hope through faith they can find in you. Love them the way you love Jim and myself, warmly, wholly, and eternally. Amen.

  

Wiggle Worm

I've heard stories through the years about how I was the "wiggle worm" of the family. Always squirming and never in one spot for very long. God must have a sense of humor because from what I hear, there is a lot of me in our lively Logan and if you know him, you know he is everything but still. Even as an adult, I tend to be a "wiggle worm" in some sorts. Always jumping from one project to the next, proposing a million ideas at one time, volunteering for this and that, and multi-tasking at its finest. So it's easy to conclude that I'm all but still. Why be still and calm when I can get so much more checked off my list if I'm going and doing? If I'm still then nothing get accomplished, right? Over the last couple of weeks, my desires have changed. My drive to get things checked of my list has gone to the way-side and I have found myself more still and calm than I ever have been in my entire life. It has also been in this still time that God has revealed some of the beauty of his great mystery to me. Not on my checklist of things to do or learn, but of far greater value than anything on my list. So maybe there is something to this being "still" thing after all. 

"Be still, and know that I am God..." Psalm 46:10

In a land far, far away

For whatever reason, my mind's energy has been extremely eventful lately while I sleep. My night is either full of nightmares or dreams occurring in places far away. I choose not to rehash my nightmares through this blog as they all refer to the events of the last month and are extremely painful each time I think of them. On the flip-side, some nights I have dreams that I am in places far away completely surrounded with people I do not know. It is as if I am living another life. In my dreams, I know nothing other than the life I have in this far away land. Each dream is one in itself and not related to the others. Some dreams have carried me to the highest point of snow topped mountains and others have taken me to an uninhabited tropical oasis. I think it is nothing shy of genius that we have so many examples of polar opposites in our world, God knew his plan. Night/day, male/female, love/hate, good/evil, nightmare/dream etc. I believe that if we were not exposed to the extreme opposite of what we treasure, the value of that which we treasure would possibly fade or diminish. If we had sunny days all day, every day, then would we possibly become numb to the warmth and beauty of the sun? Now, think about the first day our temperatures hit the 70's after the winter....where do you find everyone? Outside. What is everyone talking about? How beautiful the weather is and how good it feels. After the season of a cold, wet, winter, the sun feels perfectly wonderful and we cannot soak it in enough. Therefore, in this situation, the opposites of weather have reminded us of the joy that sun and warmth brings giving us more of a thankful and appreciative mindset. So is it possible that as life ticks by, we take advantage of the ease in everyday life. Everything seems to be going pretty well. I'm blessed with a great marriage, two precious boys, a wonderful job that I get to do because I want to, not because I have to, an adorable dog, fantastic friends, and a loving family. Life is good. Is it possible that we forget the value in these things? Is it possible we forget the value of the creator of all these things? Is it possible that we forget the value of life? Is it possible that we forget the value of true love? Is it possible that we forget the value of sacrifice? Is it possible that we forget the original plan for life on this earth? So, what if God, in his perfect plan, uses the opposite of the good life to bring back the value? That opposite being heartache.